It's been just over a decade since I first was raped. Watched a show recently that dealt with a situation so similar to mine that I started crying uncontrollably. It's been so long since it happened that the crying startled me. Of course, that happened just as my soon to be ex entered the room. He had the nerve to think I was crying over him. When I explained the real reason, he looked at me in semi-disgust and said, "Is there anything about you that isn't broken?" I left the room sobbing, and it took at almost an hour for me to calm down. That was the first time I'd ever had the guts to tell someone about what had happened to me, and he made it out as if it were a failure of mine.
Rape is never your failure. It is a violation of you, so it hurts not just your body but your mind. Lots of times if we don't deal with the emotional pain as well, it can come back when we least expect it. I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'm very glad you took this step to get some support.
Thank you very much. Rationally, I get this now.
It happened while I was staying with a guys I considered a close friend. I had to much to drink and was invited to sleep on the floor. I trusted him. Passed out, woke up to him on top of me. For a long time I blamed myself for "putting myself in that situation", but then as an adult, I gained enough perspective and understanding to realize what I'd gone through was rape. I tried talking about it to a few close friends right after it (though I was embarrassed to tell them all the details), but they laughed it off as me just getting stupid drunk and regretting it. Since my closest friends didn't believe me, I didn't have the guts to bring it to the police. Didn't think it would be taken seriously. A few months later, he did it to someone else, and I felt like that was my fault in a way.
I guess the ex figures I was "broken" because I had buried it inside and tried to forget about it. I didn't seek help. If I'd said something, people would have beaten the other guy up at the very least. There was a lot of chest-thumping, but at the end of the day, it was "my failure" in not reporting it and trying to move on. Most of the time, I'm "okay" with it and have moved on. Then something triggers something in me and it's like it was just yesterday again.
I'm glad I found it in me to continue trying to talk about it instead of pushing it back down again. After what my ex said, it took a lot for me to be able to do just this.
@WhiteQueen83 I replied below. I still have some trouble figuring out this site and how to work it.
I am so glad to hear that you call him "ex." He doesn't seem very sensitive to your emotions and needs. I can understand your pain and triggers. I still have a queasy feeling if I see a big blue pickup. It has begun to be every pickup truck any more. Take care of yourself and know it wasn't your fault. No matter what choices you made that led up to it happening, it was his choice to rape.