I know I will end up dead. I can't handle anything anymore. My everyday is filled with "hanging on just a little while longer" and I'm tired. I am in the process of getting all my affairs in order so my family won't be burdened too much. And that my wishes for who gets what will be done. I even know where I'm going to do this and in about 2 weeks I should be completely ready.
Trish dont go there. I did and am so relieved I survived. Tried to cut my wrists but as blood pressure dropped it caused bleeding to stop. There is no painless way to go. Forget it. I also realised how much I upset and devastated the people around me. My kids, my mom, my brother. My wife didnt care. She was busy with someone else.You have no idea how painful that is for me 2 years down the line. I still regret. And Trish, your family WILL be burdened. We are selfish people. Its not our fault. Its the disease/sickness we have. Just put a stop sign in your mind right now about going out. Think this thru. I will help if I can. And you know a funny thing, helping other depressed people actually has helped me cope a bit. Its not over, but I am glad I am still here. Life is not much fun, but it HAS improved and continues to do so. It WILL happen for you if you give it a chance.
Why don't you tell me what's going on. I also play with the idea from time to time and realize it's crap, but can't seem to help it. I have extreme sorrow sometimes and NOTHING is wrong. I'm fighting it. How bout you. Tell me what's going on. I may not be able to physically help you, but who knows? Sometimes it's good just to talk.
I was thinking a lot about suicide (and sometimes still am), but there are two things that I think of that always stop me:
1. Its very selfish of me and very unfair to my close people (parents, people, family). I will be gone, but their lives will be ruined by this. And they will pay for my pain, while I will just lay in the ground, not present.
2. If I finish this now, I will never find out how it may turn out in year or two or three. As long as I am alive, there is hope (even if i dont see it now), but once Im dead, its over Forever. My grandma was sick with depression (it came out after accident she had) for 15 years! And now she is healthy, and happy, and appreciates time she has left, because its better than nothing.
Please think about this well as you take your decision.
Every time you get suicidal thoughts, come here instead and write it out.
Big hug.
I am 52 years old and I have chronic long-term pain and am being seen by an attending physician. It's now been 10 years, I can't stand living with the pain and I pasted the point of no return for having a "good" day every now and then. I was told the day would come... Approx. 4 months before moving to my current location, I was involved in a bad car accident in my home city of Las Vegas. The damage done added more physical problems, progressed my current problems and left me with more long term pain. Untreatable except for pain medication (which gives me little help). Also, I divorced my husband of 21 years, 4 years ago and moved to this other state to be close to my daughter; she was then 21, had 2 children by age 17 and I had always helped her and my grandgirls. She was not doing well by herself; so young and with small children. She had moved here to finish her education 8 months earlier and I wanted her to succeed. I moved to be close to her and help, as I had always done. She did finish her education and now owns her own home and has a good job. I had no choice about the divorce, nor did my son (we were abandoned). My son was starting his jr yr. of H.S.. This was a horrible time for him, left his friends, father, school and our wonderful lifestyle. (ex had a great paying job). Also, my mother lives in the same town as my daughter. I thought I as coming here for some emotional support from my mother. Soon after moving I found out that my mother was diagnosed with severe bipolar and she is not taking medication. It is now so bad she needs to be institutionalized, I can't go around her, she is dangerous. Two and a half years ago my son moved to N.Y., finished his H.S. and is now attending Penn State Univ. He will not come back here ever. He has only bad memories of living here mostly because my daughter 2 1/2 years ago got involved with this guy that beats her. She called us that horrible night 2 1/2 years ago and asked if we would come get my little ones, she was scared for their lives and hers. When we arrived this "guy" had people waiting in cars for her and it made them mad when they saw us, we got out of the car to go into her home and they attacked us. Severly beating me, my son and daughter with metal flash lights and brass nuckles. Once I was down onto the pavement they started kicking and stomping me. Again, adding more damage to my already horrible disablity. When the police arrived they arrested me, my son, my daughter and only 2 of the offenders because the others heard the look-out yell the "warning" the police were arriving and they got back into their cars and drove away. The police stated it was a street fight and soon released all of us. My son and I now have a record, which is so, so upsetting to me and my son. My grandgirls stood in the garage and witnessed this attack. (I know this has scared them for life). After dealing with this for 2 1/2 years more; I find out this past Sat. that they have secretly married and he has moved into my daughters home with 2 of his other children as well. I can't take anymore of her drama and I know what kind of life she has made for herself and my innocent little grandgirls. He makes my grandgirls scared of him and constantly fights and hurts my daughter. I don't know what to do, it's her life. Approx. 3 years ago I met this man and currently living with him. He came under my radar, I should have seen it coming. He is the most emotionally abusive person I have known except for my "now" son-in-law. This man, over time groomed me, as these type of people do. He makes my life just as bad as my daughter's is. I can't find a job (I have looked and looked)I live with this piece of ****! I can't do it anymore. I'm done. I don't need pity, I just wanted to add my history to my comment I made earlier. No justifying my reason for ending just wanted to put this out there.
Please dont do it who will protect your beautiful grandgirls if you should go.I know the idea of it is tempting sometimes only being a God fearing woman has stopped me a couple of times but we have to look at the big picture .we are still here for a reason .I dont know if your a Christian or not and i dont judge regardless.But when you feel like all hope is lost ...pray and keep praying tell the Lord all your troubles and he will be there when no one else is.Just wanted to post you big hugs and love and there is always hope
Sorry havnt responded for a few days. My work takes me out into the bush a lot. (I work in Botswana Africa doing problem animal wildlife capture and translocation)So I only get onto the net from time to time. Trish I am so very very sorry. No wonder you feel the way you do. Not only have you had incredible trauma but also very likely inherited your mothers deppressive/emotional genes.
But you know what? You are crying out for help. Thats why people like us get onto these forums. And as you know, nobody understands depression/trauma/stress and other serious emotional problems unless you have experienced them yourself.Right now you are taking little steps in a positive direction. Talking to us. Opening up. We may never be "happy" again like we used to be, but hey, you know what, very few people are truly happy.It sounds like you have a wonderful son and grand kids. You know how important grandparents are.I have the most fantastic memories of a dear kind granddad and mom. I could almost say they were more important to me than my parents.Going out of this world will devastate them. Yet I DO know what you are going thru. The pain both physical and mental is so extreme at time you just want to beat your head against a wall.
Can I offer a little tip. And I know people may consider this is controversial, but it works. It worked for me. Next time Jehovahs Witnesses come knocking invite them in. You can tell them you dont want religion you just need to talk. They are skilled and trained in offering REAL genuine comfort. The days of them bible bashing and trying to convert you are way gone. These are nice caring people and will DEFINITELY help you to cope thru this difficult patch.Please do this. You have nothing to lose. I also strongly reccomend you print out these comments and your previous ones and give it to them. They will carefully go through it and help you.Anytime you want them to stop coming you just tell them and they will. I promise you they are not the bogeymen so many people have made out.I am thinking of you and have done so whilst I been away for the last few days. Please let me know you still there!!
just checking. Trish7. How you doing? Please let me know. There are people out here who care. Me I am up a bit today. Got a bit of room to share with others. Also have an emotionally abusive spouse but learning to not let it affect me personally. Difficult. We are such insecure people.