Once upon a time my ED ruled my world. We were one. It meant everything to me. For years we had an intimate relationship and ruined my adolescent years. I have learned to live with that. Over recovery periods, I learned I never let it go. I always figured I would go back. And its true, I relapsed this summer....
Though on some level I wanted it, I will always want it, I didn't because I remembered the harsh reality of it all. I remember. There is not a day I forget- yet I still want it.
I am a big girl now. I have grown older, wiser even to an extent. I know more of myself, though not why my thoughts brought me to months upon months of starving myself- one day I will find out I know. I am ready to start my life, I am ready to finally grow up. Except this body I have grown into. Deal with my feelings- both good and bad. It is time to let go...
I never thought it would be so hard to let go of something I despised, yet it will take much time, much therapy. It will happen. But it is time to let it go. I can't tell myself I will be able to go back. I cannot tell myself that I will one day relapse again or that I will not recover this round- I am doing well. But I will not go back. I have walked away- as I have done many a time before, but I will not walk back into its welcoming embrace.
I won't let myself. I won't let it kill me. Its time to let go....
Britta- I am so happy we are in a similar place together in recovery! We can beat this, you are right.
Maureen- I don't plan on looking back. :) I can't, and I won't. Now, I have to put my trust in therapy to why this all started, what triggers me because I won't do this anymore. I want to start living without peaking around the corner scared my eating disorder is going to jump me.
WOW. This really hits home for me! I struggle a lot with ambivalence and never wanting to let go entirely--always wanting to hang on just a little bit more, just a little bit longer. To let it be tamed, but not extinguished. And I'm coming to a place of realization that I need to reach a place where I can simply let it go. Such a daunting task!
At any rate, thanks so much for writing this. I just might have to print it out and post it on my wall!
I feel the same as you many times. wanting ED back almost mourning the comfort but knowing that if I do it will be dangerous and dreadful.
I also think we can do this together. I do not ever want to g back into this behavior, never want to get back into the sneaking and hiding and shame. I am convinced too that we have to do this!
good luck to all of us
one of the problems why i'm still hanging in this big nasty web because i am convinced that something will always be left. i cannot imagine just enjoying food and life or even myself day after day without questioning, without trying to control and without the fear of gaining weight.
i want to let go, but who or what am i without it all? i want to let go of my ED but i can't let go of me, yet that's what i want most.
i admire your strength and persistence, Allee, i wish i had only one percent of it! you're great!
I can relate to not necessarily knowing how to "let go" of my ED. Ive been sick since age 12, and Im about to turn 26...the past 14 years have been nothing but me and my ED. Now Im trying to grow up and let it go...but how do I do that when I don't know anything different. Im so scared. I feel lost without my eating disorder. It makes me miserable, but that has grown to be comfortable. If that makes any scence at all. If anyone can relate please respond...so I know Im not alone :)
XOXO pyxye
You are 100% not alone! Many people on here, and many not even on this site, cannot let go. Its the hardest thing we will ever have to do. I am still working on it, and I know it will take a long time for me to accomplish it. You never have to feel alone here. We are all fighting together
You are not alone. I've had this ed for 25 years and I want this eating disorder gone for good. Yet im terrified with out it because I dont know what life is like than. The unknown is always SCARY. I will keep fighting taking one day at a time. Many people enjoy life and have no ed, so there must be more out there than we know
talking last night at the therapy session I noticed that it s me who just cant let go of ED !
The little girl inside of me who has always been the fattest in the classroom , in the friends groups .. in the family ... I always felt fat !
I cant let go because I still feel this way ! And I am afraid to let go because I feel like I will accept the way I am now and I wont do anything to change this ugly truth which is my body !