Iv struggled with what I hope is HOCD for the last 7 years s

Iv struggled with what I hope is HOCD for the last 7 years since I was 15 I'm now 22. It has bothered me on and off for them few years and I have suffered from anxiety and depression and lack of confidence as a result of it. Before it started I never questioned myself I was alway massively attracted to girls and I didn't doubt it and never even contemplated I could be gay until one day it popped into my head and since then it has messed with me since. It started off with intrusive thoughts that caused me anxiety and dread and I would get so depressed that I would just stay in my room and cry and look up stuff on the internet to test myself and check just to reassure myself. After that I started to develop groinal responses from these intrusive thoughts which just made things worse for my anxiety I felt so uncomfortable there's been times maybe 3 or 4 times over those 7 years the groinal responses from the thoughts gave me arousal which freaked me out and scared me so much because the thoughts were repulsive and scared me so much and I couldn't understand it and I got it into my head maybe the groinal responses are just me suppressing being aroused and I was so anxious and depressed...The HOCD would come and go but it was always sort of at the back of my mind but i wouldn't let it get to me. I also get what's like urges to do stuff from the thoughts that I hate so much and scares me it's like if you stand on the edge of a cliff and your head keeps telling you to jump even though you don't want to and have no intention of doing it it's like your mind is pushing you to do something you don't want. I even look at other men to test myself I feel more anxiety and confusion around good looking men and it frightens me iv even got it at times looking in the mirror at myself? Iv always been attracted to girls as I said earlier and have been with a lot of women through my teens and up until now and been called a womaniser and player everything tells me I am straight but all this stuff in my head and what it does to me makes me doubt it I could never accept being gay or bi iv nothing against people who are that's there business and who they are but I couldn't accept it for myself it's not me the thoughts repulse me and I could never accept those thoughts the scare me and give me anxiety. Last year I got my worst bout of HOCD since it first started it started off with just intrusive thoughts and groinal responses which caused me anxiety and depression then one day I was watching porn and I don't know why but I tried to test myself while I masturbated and thought of something gay and I immediately felt like ejaculating this scared me so much I freaked out and my anxiety was the worse I had in years I was crying and shaking uncontrollably and slipped into terrible depression I kept testing myself even while having sex with my girlfriend to see would it make me ejaculate and as soon as I thought it I'd feel like ejaculating and it would frighten me terribly and make me so anxious and depressed I hoped and prayed this was HOCD that I had and that I wasn't gay or something. From about May till November of this year I was HOCD free it was in the back of my head but mostly it didn't bother me and I was happy and enjoying my life and being with my girlfriend during that time I tested myself a few times while having sex or masturbating to see would a gay thought make me ejaculate and It didn't nothing happened and I was so happy and relieved it's like it only happens to me when I'm having problems with my intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Also during the times I was HOCD free I feel happy I feel like me and I feel more confident in myself. Lately though it's started to come back intrusive thoughts and groinal responses I even done same test while having sex with my gf and I felt like ejaculating and it just makes all this a whole lot worse. Over the 7 years all this started its got progressively worse and I fear it can get worse for me and since I was 15 iv talked to my parents about it and told them EVERYTHING that's happened and all my thoughts they tell me it's only my fear and it just messes with my head and I'm 100% straight and stop doubting it my mother dismissed it could be ocd when I was younger but in the last two years reckons it's highly possible it is ocd I have. I even started talking to my girlfriend about it all and she even tell me I'm straight and it's only ocd and to stop testing myself because it makes it worse even after people telling me this I doubt it and worry are they telling me the truth. I just want to sort it out now before it gets worse and that's what I fear I feel alone at time because I don't know anyone who suffers from this only me but I felt it might be time for me to try and talk to people who have also suffered from HOCD and be able to tell me is that what I have and maybe someone can help me with all this because I really need it I had to work up so much courage to write this because it's not something I normally do but please if there's anyone who can relate and help me please do because I can't deal with these thoughts and the thoughts scare me and I'm tired of living in fear I just want them to go and move on with my life. Sorry for the length of this

I apologize, but i always stop reading, when i see an "origin story". Just to be honest.

Don't know if you wrote it or not, but what did you try to overcome OCD?

It was me who wrote it...I didn't copy or paste from anywhere...Tbh iv tried everything like keeping busy and keeping my mind occupied it goes for awhile as I said but something triggers it and sets it off. Iv never gone to a psychiatrist or anything or been diagnosed with OCD

@Benson1234 I know it was you who wrote it, what you probably don’t know is, that all these stories are so much a like, you wouldn’t believe; that is why i don’t read them anymore.

In the end it is really not important how you got here, important is where we go from here. My first response to that questions is usually: Watch the youtube videos of Mark Freeman. He has great insight into OCD and how to overcome it. Same goes for Eddy Defoe. He is more focused on HOCD, that doesn’t mean, that you should only watch his though. Perhaps best you watch them all. Will take some time.

Once you’ve done that, we can talk some more.

You are not alone!

Thanks man I'll go have a look at them now hopefully it will help with my problem

@Benson1234 You can private massage me then. I am not online as much as i used to, so that is perhaps a better way to ensure i respond.

From Anxiety & Panic Disorders to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)