I've always felt disgusting and ugly I hate to see myself and I have this sense of being dirty and ashamed of myself because of what happened, I've never managed to get over it it all started from the moment I was born and was abused by two different women, I've never managed to have a relationship or get close to anyone yet because it's two upsetting and I feel disgusting and ugly why would anyone like me
3 Hearts
I can relate. It so difficult to shake off those feelings.
My abuse started when I was a baby too. I dont know what ur abuse was, but mine was: I was raped more than once when I was a year old. Just from the trauma of that alone froze my body til I was 39 yrs old and 7 nervous breakdowns later. This doesnt include severe excessive trauma on a daily daily daily basis from both parents for the 1st 21 years. It was severe. I didnt have a mind left by time I was a toddler. Then stalking and rape after rape, in my teens thru my 40's. One was almost daily long term, trapped in my apartment by a rapist, for close to a year. I'm 51, have lived alone since my early 20's with no one protecting me. There still isnt anyone protecting me. And I desperately need it where I'm stuck livin. I have never ever been able to have a real relationship, ever. I still cant. I trust no one. and I've had a counselor for 25 years now on an almost weekly basis. I'm suicidal everyday, but I dont do it because I'm not sure if I would still go to Heaven. My mind set isnt, "Why would anyone like me". It's, "Why should I like anyone".
2 Hearts
@Henrietta606 it’s turned me into a angry person who just wants revenge I don’t care what happens to me I just want to get pay back to what they did to me
I still can't let anyone close. It just brings up physical and mental flashbacks. As far as revenge goes, one of my abusers was seriously violent and I was very small. Hard to get over feelings of fear. As far as anger and vengeance went, I took up the guitar as an early teen. I think it really helped me vent and avoid thinking about suicide.
Someone once wrote that we are closest to God when we forgive.
You describe much pain and anguish in your life. In your pain, in your agony; in your feeling ashamed- in all of that, there is One who desires a relationship with you. You don’t have to get yourself cleaned up; you don’t have be concerned about any feelings of worthlessness; about being disgusted with yourself or anything like that...Because God desires you to come to Him, just as you are.
I don’t know if you have a faith system, but I recently read a very powerful Bible verse that says, ‘Call to Me [God] and I will show great and mighty things which you do not know.’ In my own hurt, and my own pain, I have found that when focus on those hurts, they only intensified - they become exacerbated. The hurt drives me deeper into depression. If you let Him, God can remove any feelings of anger, hurt and fear you have. They can be replaced with a peace and joy that surpasses all understanding.
God not only likes you, He loves you and He desires to you to come to Him...He loves you so much that He sent His Son to die a very painful death on a cross.
1 Heart
@thunderofsilence I agree and feel exactly the same way
Forgiveness does not benefit the abuser, but the abused.
1 Heart
@ramboc I agree Ramboc, I needed to forgive my Mother for my sake to not carry my anger and waste my energy on it any longer because it was only prolonging my pain…abusers don’t give a crap about their victims! They I hope will pay for their sins once they die!!! I used to ( fantasize ) about killing my abusers in the most painful way possible. I was angry at myself when I cried after finding out one of my Grandfathers (abuser) died, I was so pissed at myself for shedding even one tear!
But I searched my soul and came to the conclusion it was that I never got the chance to do anything about the abuse and that’s what my tears were for and not for him… I am happy he died a slow painful death from cancer.
It's way too early in anyone's healing here in this thread to start talking about forgiveness, I agree on that! I know it's for the 'forgiver', but too, too early. Please don't do it anymore; when people do it, I tend to think they are an abuser, because who else would even think about anything but how very terribly these posters in here have been hurt since tiny babyhood in some cases? I hope that is not the case with the person who posted about it, but if it gets pushed again, I will flag it as inappropriate.
I am so sorry these terrible crimes were committed against you, each of you, and thank goodness you survived and are here today. If you were a soldier, you'd have earned a Purple Heart and maybe more. You are heroes. Not throwaways, not useless: YOU ARE HEROES, you saved the child that you were back then: you got that child through alive. Soon hopefully, you will be able to enlist the help of a professional therapist to pull the roots up on all of that pain and confusion, and get rid of it all.
Thank you for sharing, I salute you and will talk more with you here. It's super late and I have to shut my eyes, but I am listening to you. I hear you. I know these things are true, and you are good, beautiful, lovable people.
Love, Mosaic
1 Heart
I feel the same and I was sexually abused. I know I'll never be able to connect to another human being, except their out there doing whatever and having fun. The thoughts make me sick sometime. Honestly I wish he was dead, I know you should not wish that but he destroyed something previous I cannot get back or restore again.
1 Heart
I am so sorry about your pain and suffering I can't imagine being molested by a family member. I'm 62 and was date raped, I always blamed myself for having too much to drink, but I gave in because the guy was so much bigger and stronger. My only daughter was murdered 18 years ago, there have been times, I have felt so alone, ugly etc. Before we love anyone else, we must love ourselves, and that's my goal, to accept me for me, and everybody else can kiss my grits. :)
1 Heart
@gway I’m so sorry for your loss I can’t imagine what that would do to you