I've been married 40 years. I had an affair 20 years ago which I deeply regret. My spouse said they forgave me and we had many good times after he forgave me. Now he says he can't live with the memory anymore and wants a divorce to call an end to that marriage. He moved out yesterday. He says we will meet in 3 months to touch base and see how were doing. If he doesn't feel the same memories come flowing back and if he hasn't met anyone else perhaps we'll date. It's been one day and I keep having panic attacks and I've never felt such pain in my life. He is the love of my life. I don't want anyone else. How long does this pain last? I have a therapist and supportive friends but they can't relate.
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Twenty years is a long time to hold anger. What else is your spouse troubled about?
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@Broadsided he was a part of every decision we ever made but blames me for the ones that didn’t turn out right.
Tough one...yes 20 years is a long time. There might be more to it and he is using the affair as a reason, but the pain is deep from being cheated on and maybe a mid life crisis type of thing has brought it back to the surface. Keep talking to your counsellor and writing to see you through until things become a little clearer.
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@mountainclimber
Same here! No affair but I went to a bachelorette party 15 years ago and made out with the bouncer at the bar. Came home told him. He thought I did more than I said I did. He never told me that. Now he wants a divorce. Says he has trust issues. Never discussed it after it happened. And over past 3 years he has been pulling away. Asked him many times if we were ok. He would say yes just work stuff. 29 years together 23 years married.
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@Healing59 I’m so sorry for you. I feel your pain. Please stay in touch and tell me how you’re doing. Are you living separately?
My ex husband had a 3yr affair and we tried to save it by going to marriage counseling but he wasn't putting in the work so I called it quits but then he wanted to try and work things out again...I did try but there were days I would be fine and days I would get hit with the affair maybe your husband seriously did think like me that he could get passed it and you two could find a way back to each other but then the whole affair no matter how long ago it was just weighed him down
@TakenBackim so sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing and doing it in such a kind way
@Dontwantdivorce. Yes, he moved out a year ago. 19 year old lives with me. I wish he would want to try counseling but he says he hasn't been happy for awhile. Has all new friends. Trying to forgive myself and improve me.
@Healing59 oh no. Even after a year? It’s been 2 days and I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.
How did you get through the first few months?
Love of family, friends and my wonderful son!
@Healing59 how long before you could stop crying and function normally? How long before the intense pain eased up?
Will let you know when that happens. I find myself crying in stopn shop listening to the love songs on the store music. I try to remain positive around my son and supportive of my ex. He deserves to be happy and so do I. I will find my happiness within myself!
Better than I was a year ago. MUCH BETTER but have my days when I am sad. I have many more better days now.
@Healing59 that sounds better
This is a hard situation because you can making anyone stop thinking about something that has hurt them or really understand what else may be going on to add to the situation. Since he is so set on this, try to get yourself together emotional, take care of your feeling so that you can think more clearly once the feelings are so hurt. Then when you talk to him, and if he is ready to try again, you will be a better person for him and for your marriage. It is frustrating that he doesn't want to do counseling until 3 months is up, but that will give some time for you to make seek some therapy on your own to help you.
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I don't want to disagree w anyone before but...it sounds as if the affair wasn't really and truly dealt with before. Not to be silly but...now is the time to grovel. You do what you need to to make your marriage work and SHOW him through actions (therapy, etc) that you are not the same person. Fight. Fight and fight for your marriage. imo, give him a bit of space then contact him, I'd say a month in. Worst case, it's over. But, even if that happens, you will know that you have done everything in your power to prevent that and make ammends for the affair. Let me know, you're in my thoughts.
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@Claire4059 Claire thank you for the encouragement to fight for my marriage. We were only supposed to contact each other for business for 3 months starting Saturday and I was following that then on Sunday he texted me and said he was visiting his father who has dementia. He gave his father some cookies that I always bake for him and his father thanked him and it made my husband cry. I will see him in a month when we meet with the mediator.