I've been suffering from HOCD for the past 5 months. I have always been attracted to guys; I can think back to preschool and name guys that I liked, and I feel like I know that inherently I'm straight. But ever since HOCD took a hold of me, I have struggled to find guys I normally would think are attractive, attractive. It feels like I'm forcing myself to be attracted to a guy, but I know that a year ago, I would have found them cute and wanted to hang out with them without a second thought. Now every time I see a girl, I have an anxiety attack and question every one of my thoughts after. Did I stare at her for too long? Why did you look at her boobs? etc. It is SO frustrating because before this happened to me, I never had an issue saying a girl was pretty without any repercussion of questioning whether or not I was attracted to her. Recently a thought that has really gripped me is the thought of why I find guys attractive over girls. Girls are the ones with the long eyelashes and nice eyes, etc. But as soon as this thought enters my mind I feel like crying. I was seeing a therapist but recently stopped because they were too expensive. I recently just got on medication about a week and a half ago, but I'm worried it won't work, or what if it rewires my brain to actually believe I'm gay? I'm about to go to college, and I'm scared out of my mind because I'm worried that if I go to college and I'm not around my family, who has been my biggest source of comfort through this whole thing, I will somehow succumb to the gay thoughts and actually act on them. I hate this thought and hate that this is even happening to me. I used to have absolutely NO issues making friends, and have had such a solid group of girl friends throughout my life, but now I feel like I'm going to be questioning my motive behind every friendship I make with a girl going forward and ask myself if I'm attracted to them etc. Also, there was a period of time that I felt like I beat HOCD, for about a month and a half, but my brain has convinced me that can't happen again. I miss the old me, the one that dreamed of having a boyfriend, and then a husband, the one who was boy crazy throughout middle school and never had any issue being attracted to a guy. I just miss myself and don't know what to do anymore.
Hi, what you describe is what we all have been struggling with. You say you're on medication since last week. When i got medication, it took a month or so to see the effects, but at the end they do help, a lot. You should watch the videos of Eddy Defoe and Mark Freeman on youtube.