I've been thinking a lot about where I am with this whole thing currently. I have almost lost all of my anxiety but still have the thoughts ALL the time. I literally mean constantly. It's at a point where sometimes it feels like I want these things because it's all I think about. I want to start cbt or ert but I am just worried that i'll start liking what I see. In fact I fear that I already do sometimes. The only thing that helps me get through it is knowing that i came to this conclusion through this illness. I know that had this not happened these thoughts wouldn't exist. It's just that sometimes I find it hard accept that you can't just change all of a sudden because it really does feel like I have. Also, I remember when all of a sudden I only started noticing men and couldn't work out why. Was this due to my need to check if I like them? Thoughts and feels would be much appreciated,
Yes, it was due to the checking compulsion. You unconsciously try to "prove" to yourself whether you are gay or not, and since you don't have doubts about women, the brain puts special attention to the males. And it's normal to loose the anxiety after a while, due to the habituation.
@NicoGZ Fair, I guess I am just in this really weird place where the thoughts are more ‘real’ now if you will. Like their intention to check has gone and now I just have them. Thats as clearly as I can explain. Also where do i go from here, I can’t remember what it is like to be me and don’t really know what to do… =(
I think that indicates a certain recovery. Worrying because the thoughts don't give you anxiety anymore is called "backdoor spike" by the HOCD community. But the fact remains like you don't WANT to be with guys, you just think you do. There's a difference between the two.
Yes, this is true. I guess it just scares me a lot because now sometimes it feels like I do. I know in reality I don't and that I never could be but i think that because i've been stressing over this for so long it seems less out of the question.
@skiier12 im feeling like should told to everyone that i am g but i dont want and my problem its not my gf is i can t feel the buzz around girls is like 100 times harder to get excited and this is making me crazy :(((( is hard for me to my mind tell me that i like that girl and then if i see a guy i react like if i feel something ;((( i dont want this :((( but its really making me believe that i am g