I've forgotten how to live. Maybe I knew once, as a child, w

Mental Health Personality Disorders
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I've forgotten how to live. Maybe I knew once, as a child, when wonder floated in the air and happiness came so easily, so innately. Now, for even the smallest drop of a good feeling, I have to fight. And fight hard. This illness, this intense desire for love without feeling like I deserve it, is stripping me of my ability to live.

I doubt everything, analyze each thought down to its core, down to the one thing that plagues me: fear of death, and not just that, but fear of DYING ALONE. I am so lonely, even when I'm with "my friends," my mind is alone and floundering and confused. I have forgotten what it feels like to be happy, and when those few precious, almost orgasmic waves of happiness do hit me, I'm shocked and I DOUBT IT, I analyze it, and then... it's gone.

How can a person live this way? Why does BPD characterize every action I take? I am afraid of losing people, so I withdraw my fiery passions and sorrows, then I need people all the more, so I explode on them, then feel guilty for burdening them, then withdraw... And so the cycle continues, one where my pain is exquisite and no amount of "love" received from another is enough. And yet, I NEED IT.

And the dark thought--the one, irreparable answer, that fantasy... where instead of letting the world kill me, slowly and agonizingly, I can do it, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, strip away the fear of the "other," stop poisoning the people around me with my emotions. Shouldn't I be able to control them? And yet they erupt out and hurt those that I love... my own mind, the strongest weapon of them all. The dark thought--it sneers at my weakness. "You've loved me for so long, thought about me for years, and yet you are too **** weak to try me..."

I'm afraid that I might. I'm afraid that this illness will make me. I'm afraid of hurting even further those that claim to care. I'm afraid of myself.

I'm begging, pleading, for help, from anyone.

1 Heart
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I know that BPD is something very difficult to struggle with, I know how you feel, but there is hope. You should not give up on yourself and being able to have loving and caring relationships. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Have you discussed these fears with him or her? There are a lot of things you can do, if you are in therapy, but feel like it isn't working maybe it's time to try something else. There are always multiple options, we just have to keep fighting and trying to find the right solutions for us. Don't give up, we're here for you. Keep us updated on how you are doing.

Hugs,
K.G.

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@KGShiva Thanks for your kind words of care. I am currently in a couple different therapy programs, but I am starting with a new therapist in a week so hopefully that will help. I had dinner with a friend the other night and it honestly has saved me–she’s going through similar things and she had some great insight. I’m feeling slightly better, but every day is still a battle. I’m going through a “break up” with my best friend because my BPD made me too much to handle and he got burnt out. It just makes me feel very lonely and ashamed and confused.
But thanks so much K. G.
It means the world that someone cared enough to take time to write a lovely paragraph.