I've started to realize how the abuse orphanized me, separating me from my family and mostly my mother, having not being able to tell her. But even my siblings. I lost trust in everything. I kept waiting for it to stop and then my life would begin. But, of course, we all know here, that hasn't been the case.'
Hauntings continue, the hurt and pain, just a brush up against me could bring a startle and remind me once again, I am different, so very different. I don't have a history, because that would mean explaining. I run and I try to forget. I never relax, I hardly know what that is, remaining vigilent even when it is not necessary. The toll on my body is becoming more apparent to me as I get older. Blow after blow, I go on but I feel like I have never expended my true self. Other people go on to develop lives and friendship and relationships and those are stumbling blocks for me. I can't trust, I must watch and protect myself and I can't talk because there is so much shame. The orphan. I wasn't trained properly to protect myself or trust myself or know I had value. I see other people have these qualities and I am amazed-why not me?
Have you ever spent time with other survivors? I know personally one of the things that helped me the most was being in the hospital and then in a support group with people who understood. They didn't judge me for being on guard, always sitting with my back to the wall, panic attacks when people came up behind me, etc. They had their pain and fear too and it helped me to not feel so different. I saw how so many others suffered as much and even more. It really helped me see myself and my past differently. It might be something to look into if you feel it could help you. And if you do decide to try it, remember to take it slow and use it to help you not to traumatize yourself more. Love yourself!
Tammy
@tammygirl816 Oh and you are no longer an orphan! You get to choose the family YOU want and need.