I've tried my best not to post about my troubles, worried that people would confirm my fear, but the time has come. It seems as though i need reassurance.
I'll try to make this as short as possible, but a lot of detail is necessary for a situation like this.
I believe I may have OCD-- HOCD at the moment, and I also believe I have something called Maladaptive Daydreaming. I have not been professionally diagnosed with any of these yet. Actually, for the longest time, I don't think I ever realized I may have OCD. Now that I look back, I've obsessed over whether my boyfriend were meant to be, and it gave me the same dreadful feeling I will soon tell you about. I obsessed over my boyfriends ex girlfriend, wanting to be just like her, and I always thought it was because I wanted him to love me as much as he loved her, but now this is against me. I'm now obsessing over my sexual orientation, something I've never experienced before. My maladaptive daydreaming will be explained later, another reason why I always thought I liked boys.
Let me say: I've never had a problem with anyone who is gay/lesbian. I always thought, I'll be me, you'll be you. It's just not for me.
For the past several months, I have been worrying endlessly about whether or not I'm lesbian. This fear is mainly about BEING a lesbian-- I don't want to be! It's really not about about what people will think, although that thought has crossed my mind I will admit. I've thought about this once before, but I always felt as though I was straight and that was the one thing I was sure of. Now I'm not so sure. I'm only fifteen, but I always thought I was into guys.
From the moment I wake up, till the end of the day, I feel constant anxiety about my sexual orientation. Sometimes, I don't even have a thought, but I know this thought pertains to my sexuality. This feeling (what I believe to be anxiety) is like a dreadful feeling in my belly. Like butterflies, but not the good kind. The feeling is terrible, unwanted, and I am unable to rid myself of these doubts. I find myself wishing I could go back to how I was before, completely firm and confident in my sexuality, sure that I was straight.
I also find myself testing myself with images in my mind or in person to see if I like a girl, and there it is, anxiety.
I normally (when I do watch porn) watch straight porn, but I find myself looking at the girl.. I always thought it was because girls are beautiful creatures and I wanted to be in her place. I will admit I've watched lesbian porn, and had a lesbian fantasy, but this is rare. It's usually about a mans body part pounding info me. Sorry, TMI.
Some days, and some moments, I'm like, "Wow. I'm totally straight." The next thing I know, I'm filled with anxiety, confused, and so unsure.
I believe there could be several reasons why this obsession of mine has started.
1. Slight lesbian experience as a young child.
2. Admiring other women's beauty.
3. Watching a TV show in which one women was straight her whole life, or so the show made her out to be, and suddenly she was lesbian.
4. 2 of my cousins are gay/lesbian, one bisexual, but possibly leaning towards lesbian.
5. An obsession I had over my boyfriends ex girlfriend. I thought I always wanted to be her, but now my mind is telling me this horrible thought that maybe I didn't want to be her, but wanted to do her!
Things that cause my anxiety:
- Looking at another girl.
-Natural thoughts that come to me about a guy. I think I like a guy and my head says, "But do you really?"
-Rainbows. Silly, but true.
- Anything about same sex! It's everywhere! I feel like everyone is turning gay/lesbian. Any mention of those words gives me serious anxiety.
- Anything relating to people switching genders. I suddenly fear that maybe I'm not lesbian, but meant to be a guy!
- The thoughts just come!
Aside from periods, I've always been content with being a women. I thought women were beautiful creatures, and I was blessed to be one. I felt that looking at other girls and thinking they were pretty was normal, and that I was simply admiring their beauty(even their more sensual areas), not wanting to hop into bed with them. I felt like I wanted to be them. Up until recently, I was okay with this.
I actually hate some females. I hate them for being so pretty. I get very jealous/ competitive over any girl that talks to my boyfriend.
I feel as though I always liked guys because when I maladaptive daydream (excessively) I always picture being the most lovely of a girl, hot, sexy, all the right parts, and I'm flaunting it to everyone! Girls envy me, as well as a gay boy (if he's apart of the story I'm using) and the whole point is that there's a guy, sitting back there, watching this, and he is completely all for me, in love with me.
Sometimes I'll be me, sometimes I'll be a fictional character. I've always enjoyed day dreaming even though I shouldn't.
Point is, during these day dreams, I always loved it because this sexy man was admiring me from afar! That was practically the whole point of the daydream! And that I crave attention and want others to envy me; I'm very insecure.
I've just always dreamt of finding that man like the girls in the books/movies do. I had TONS of guy crushes, even to this day. I have a boyfriend of two years who I believe I love. I even find a guy in my class rather attractive. It's like I'm drawn to him, trying to be in the room he is. I wouldn't do anything with him though-- I'm committed to my boyfriend. I like to do sexual things with my boyfriend, although now, this HOCD (I believe it is anyway) is making me less attracted to him. I was always excited for the most part, happy to be with him, except for an occasion where I obsessed about whether we'd be together. Now I feel as though this issue is ruining everything. It makes me want to cry.
Another thing is, I always dream about guys, always want their attention. I've never dreamed about a girl in a loving/romantic/sexual way. I've dreamed of romance with men, or men doing things to be I didn't want them to! Scary dreams sometimes, others great, but no women!
Now onto reasons my mind tells me that I'm gay, and I don't want to be, and say I'm not!
I admire women's beauty.
When I was younger, I kissed my sister and girl cousin passionately, and we sort of masturbated together. I was like 7-8. I've always felt like this was wrong, and had no desire to do it since, at least to my knowledge.
The thought of liking/being with a girl gives me a bad feeling-- the bad butterfly feeling.
One time, my boyfriends ex girlfriend confronted me on social media and my heart started beating fast and I said to myself, "Am I lesbian?" I thought it was just fear/nervousness because we had a bad history of arguing. I always tried to make her envy me.
I don't want to be a lesbian. It seems unnatural to me, and something I'd never worry about.
I try to tell myself rationally that if anything, I'd be BI. I most definitely liked men. But I feel like my mind is forcing me to be full on lesbian, and I don't want to be.
Girls make me uncomfortable now, and if I even talk to a girl about school, anything, the thoughts start along with the anxiety.
Even as I write this, I feel it's true, but my mind is saying, "Do you really feel that way? Do you?"
I'm scared I'm lesbian in denial. Although I believe if I was in denial, I would sort of know. Not really worry I am. Denial is a way for people to feel better about themselves, isn't it? I certainly don't feel okay with this.
Please, someone tell me honestly, am I lesbian in denial, or is this HOCD? I feel like it's HOCD. I fear someone will say I'm lesbian/bi, and I don't want to be. I just want to go back to feeling content, and in love with my boyfriend.