Jealousy in a relationship can really over-take you. I've seen jealously become over-consuming and even the demise of relationships. Do you think that jealousy is love or insecurities?
"Answering whether jealousy is a sign of love or insecurity is like asking if one cup of sugar in your coffee is good or bad. My experience is there's a fine line on whether jealously has a place in a relationship or not. I can say that being in a relationship with no jealousy is doomed to fail just as being in one with intense jealousy. Before you protest too much, let me explain why this is so. Everyone would agree that romance is a key to a long lasting loving relationship between two people. A little jealousy is what keeps a couple from taking each other for granted. Think about it, if you truly loved another and didn't have an ounce of jealousy, what would that mean?
You wouldn't care where they went or who they went with, you wouldn't care who they talked to or what was said, and you wouldn't care who they stayed with or what they were doing. The only thing you'd do was to sit there with a twinkle in your eye and a warm glow in your heart that you loved and were loved by the other person. This is by no means a realistic depiction of any relationship in my book....."
Jealousy, in my understanding and in my life observation means we do not want to be hurt or to be taken for fool, therefore people react very strongly to protect their own feelings. People who sincerely love each other, they will never provoke a situation that sparks jealousy, therefore being sincere, considered, loving and respectful.
Exactly!
When you truly love someone… When you are truly loved, you KNOW the person wants you above all else! They will KNOW, in their heart, you feel the same way.
***I had that with my husband of 25 years…I know.
Love exists like that!!!
I think that it's natural to have a twinge of jealousy here and there, but it really should remain tame. I try to always keep it at bay and under wraps because I've seen couples allow it to get out of control.
How do you stop the jealousy? Even if you know deep down inside that you are wrong and overreacting, how do you stop the horrible, negative thoughts from forming? How do you stop worrying everytime your loved one is out of your sight?
I am dealing with this issue in two ways...my boyfriend doesn't trust me because his wife cheated on him for 17 years and then I have many insecurities that tie into trust issues for myself. I think trust and jealousy are very much related. Anyone else struggling with this?
Hi, I have been dealing with this issue for years now. I’ve been hurt real bad in my past relationships and I mean all of them. I try to go into a relationship with an open mind, but as soon as I feel that person is not paying attention to me like he was in the beggining I do a 360 and I start thinking all kind of things and the relationship goes down from there. I really want to be able to get over this jealousy problem that I have i just don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions?
I absolutely believe that trust and jealousy are interrelated. Without trust in a relationship, you have nothing. There are life circumstances that challenge our trust, such as past experiences, but we always have to remember that your current relationship is not the one of your past. You are with a new person and that person does not deserve to be tormented by your past. Although, it's totally understandable to come into a relationship with eyes wide open following one where your trust was broken, but you can't put your past relationship on your current one. I don't think that it's fair. I went through this and it's not easy when someone is looking at you and thinking that you'll make all of the same mistakes as their ex. It's not a way to progress forward in a healthy manner.
The way that I can put jealously completely at bay is by knowing how my significant other feels about me and being confident in those feelings. If I question their feelings for me, then the jealously ensues. Having a twinge of jealously here and there is ok, but it's all about controlling those thoughts and putting a stop to them before they spiral out of control. Know that your significant other is with you for a reason; it's because they chose you and love you, otherwise they'd be elsewhere. This should give you comfort and confidence in your relationship and hopefully put your jealousy at bay.
As well, I may have a poor attitude about it, but if my significant other wants to be elsewhere then the door is wide open, there's no reason to force someone to stay with me.
i too have a problem with my current boyfriend. When we started he was seeing someone else, well he was engaged. anyway, they weren’t living together, i had just separated from my husband and he was still with his current fiancé. however, that didn’t last for long they separated after 6month of him being with me and we took it from there, so i thought! about 6 months later i called his x and found out he was still seeing her, he claims it only happened like twice but i was already deeply in love with this guy. he is so attentive and i have a great time with him so i forgave him. we moved in together about 3 months later and i never trust him!!! with good reason few months later we were at a bar and we bumped into his x's cousin she showed up at the end of the night and said that there were things I didn’t know about them, i started fighting with him and she refused to tell me anything she wanted me to ask him instead. Anyway so he said she was talking sh#% and of course i sort of believed him cuz i'm dumb like that! So a few months down the line i hacked into his phone bill and guess what? i saw it all, all the text messages back and forth-mainly from him! i mean like 40 text messages a day. So of course i excused it with "we started that way" i walked into their relationship. so let me just add that hes great with me and my kids and i count on him for a lot. he gives me 90% of what i want but i dnt trust him!!!!
Omg Omg Omg! ! I can tell you that your situation is almost just like mine! Really I would love to have a conversation about it because I’m dealing with trust issues too. I met my bf through MySpace, I was still married and he was seeing someone when we finally met in person I had left my husband of the time and I was living away on my own with my son, he (bf) was still in a relationship while we where together. He had said he broke it off but later found texts to her that he had saved under a man’s name so I wouldn’t notice. After that was addressed, he left his laptop and I found a ton of pictures from a different girl in Mexico, even videos of her asking him when he’d go to Mexico so he could meet his (future in laws) I couldn’t address it I just don’t know why. We moved in together and he still had one picture of her hidden in his comp files. On top of this all he still hasn’t told his ex and son in Mexico about us, his family here. Every time I ask anything or get insecure which is only natural, he gives me some stupid rant on how this is all my fault, my own insecurity and that I alone have to fix it myself. There are no more pictures of girls he says he’s now fully devoted to me and our family because when all that happened he says ( that he didn’t know we would stay together ) there hasn’t been any problems since then and he has full trust in me because well duh I never gave him any reason not to, but I on the other hand can’t trust him! I just can’t seem to fully let go of what I found in the beginning and the big issue now is that he hasn’t told his ex about me and his new baby girl. We’ve been living together now for 2 years
oh and the text messages were in 2009 that i found them, he changed the password or took online billing off like a few months later, i dnt know but he guards his phone alot and i think hes still in love with that girl, but he wont leave my house!! WHT TO DO????!!!!
Oh wow, that is quite the story, thank you so much for sharing it with us. Are you done with the relationship at this stage? Have you confronted him about all of this recently? Though, it seems that he has an excuse for everything. In my opinion, I would end the relationship if there's no trust and hasn't been trust for some time.
I found my boyfriend on Match.com and many other sites. Its not JEALOUSY as much as insecurity....
Either he loves and appreciates me or he doesn't.
If he's looking elsewhere, than he hasn't found happiness/potential for future in me.
This is a trust issue. Had I just known he was looking I wouldn't have given him so much of my heart.
Why do I stay in this relationship if he doesn't love and respect me? Is it that I'm afraid of being alone? Is it that I can't understand why he can't see the beautiful parts of me?
He is emotionally unavailable (classic) and I'm just feeling like I'm setting myself up to be constantly disappointed. (I am...constantly disappointed)
Both my therapist and my psychic (I only called the psychic once) said I should learn to live in the moment with this man...but I can't seem to do that! It feels so temporary, so unfulfilling...so "dangerous" and ultimately so demeaning.....I feel like I'm convenient and being used!
*I love him and his whole family....so each time I try to pull away, I come right back. I feel like such an idiot!
I appreciate all of your posts on this subject. It is helpful and supportive just to read that others are going through the same thing just wishing there was an answer to why people go beyond jealously to hurting us.
Hi Hoopsmaster, thank you for being here. Please let us know if there's anything at all that we can help you with. Feel free to share whatever you feel comfortable sharing. We are here to support you in any way that we can.