I know why they call a certain feeling "heartbreak." Inside my chest, I get the sensation of something taking my physical heart and rending it to tatters. I keep getting these physical symptoms that I know aren't physical at all, but they are still very real.
Nonetheless, these pains (or whatever they are) are the least of my worries. I am stuggling mightily with any effort to do ordinary things. I fear I may become increasingly homebound, or close to it. I worry that the more I go out, the more likely I am to become upset with someone, to blow up, or to break down.
i am struggling with my therapist. our last two sessions have ended with me feeling worse at the end of the session than I had at the beginning. Since then, he and I have been e-mailing back and forth, trying to fugure out where we are going wrong. I think he is misinterpreting a lot of what I say. And I think he expects me to do wotk that I am not able (yet) to do. We seem at a standstill.
Everyone says I need this therapy, and I know I have needs that are greater than anything I can do for myself. The problem is that therapy seems to leave all the work to be done back on me -- no one's intervention in my life will really make a difference. Only I can "fix" me in the end.
And I just don't believe it's in me to work this "fix." I have tried and tried all my life to grow and change and be a better person. I have understood my problems. But understanding them has never led me to any successful means to change so much of what is so basic in my being. I am "just as I am."
Yes, I would love more than anything to be more lovable, more popular, to fit in. It is my greatest wish in this life. My entire lifetime experience tells me that no effort that I can make to do this will make it happen.
As I told my therapist, I have been looking for a hero -- someone to step in and "rescue" me. I also told him that I am aware that in the end, only I can be this hero. Somehow, although I have been all shot up, wounded, and exhausted by life, I will have to answer the call to battle once more, and I am simply too tired and too weak and too beaten up to be much good in the fight.
Your therapist can only suggest or advise. The change will have to come from you and change is hard. It takes a lot to look at yourself in with pure realism. You can accept a lot of things about you and not accept. A therapist is a train professional who deals with psychology, they can be a great advantage. I totally know about what I call the iron man syndrome. I am strong not matter what and showing any signs of weakness is not acceptable. Even iron can rust and be weaken and will eventually break. It is true that you can only save yourself but sometimes the strongest ones need help. Just saying.
That's just it. I desperately want help and I know I need it. But every time I ask for help, I am told all the work is up to me. And it is always work I don't seem able to do.
Me and my therapist talked about this. It seems like looking a tall mountain, looking at the massive structure and saying, “There is no way I can climb this mountain, there is no freaking way.” You will have this intense fear of falling off the mountain. I don’t have will or the strength. It is you who will climb the mountain, you will fall but that is okay. You got to give your best and keep in mine that Rome wasn’t built in one day. It takes a lot patience with yourself, pace yourself and don’t set your goals to high but do set goals. I feel the same on some days, that is not worth the effort. Sometimes you are changing but don’t notice it until you look back.
I know everyone is trying to help, but I just can't do what I can't do. I've been trying for years and always meet failure.