My soon to be ex husband just called and asked if we could 'get together' after he takes our daughter out for Father's Day. Some of you who read my posts may recall that I had sexual intimacy with him last weekend and have beat myself up all freaking week over that poor choice. I had not seen him since May 12, I had filed for divorce May 23 and when I saw him last Sunday for the first time, I melted. After the encounter, I literally had to start the grieving process all over. So.... he asked and I said flat out: no conversations in person without a couples therapist present. I told him that our 'encounter' last Sunday gave me gratification for only minutes and that I was regretful afterward and that I want only healthy things that make me move forward. I told him that I had had to start the grieving process all over just for a moment of gratification. I also told him that I could sense his disconnect the minute our encounter was over last week. I told him I love him but I will never get back into a dead end relationship with someone who doesn't want to acknowledge, address, and unload problems because we would be right back into a third meltdown, guaranteed.
I feel like I stood up to him in a kind and gentle way but I got my point across without faltering. Now, will he take it out on me and our daughter by not coming on Sunday? That remains to be seen, but I sure hope not.
Maybe my wellbutrin is kicking in and my decision making skills are returning.
I am so very proud of you even if he pushes the subject you have set your boundaries now it's up to him to accept them and you to keep them. But telling him what they are is always the first step to achieving your goals
Hi Soft, I'm glad you feel good about your conversation with him. The one thing that needs to change, and it will take time, is that you keep thinking you will be able to control his relationship with your daughter. That's just one more way that you are letting him control you. Believe me when I say that he is absolutely aware of how important it is to YOU that he have this great relationship with her, but the truth is, is that he is definately old enough to take responsibility for his own relationships and it's got nothing to do with you.
I can honestly see him using that relationship to "threaten" you or cause emotionial pain. We need to understand that our spouses, although they appear to not know a thing about us, know exactly what hurts us or makes us smile. And they definately know that we want the very best for our children.
If he doesn't show up on Sunday, that's 100% HIS problem. You need to remove you and he from the relationship between him and her. I hope that makes some sense. I'm not finding the words I'm looking for... brain fog!!
I fully agree Suzee they do know what hurts us they've used it through out the entire relationship to control us once we let them go we need to understand that external relationships they have including with the children of the relationship has to be between them and the child. When my son was with his father I did not call or in any way involve myself in their time because it's not my place to tell him what to do with my son he has separate rules for his time as I have for mine what they do together is between them and if I want him to do that for me I must be able to do that for him
Yes, I believe he is very capapble of using the child to control me, or at least trying to. I know that on Sundays I will have an alternative set of plans for my child if he doesn't do his job. I am also monitoring because child support is based on him seeing her, not blowing her off. If he doesn't want to see her regularly, she will need counseling and I will need a sitter so I can get a break once a week. I will ask the court to assign that cost to him, if necessary.
I think that is a great plan see you are able to think beyond the pain and thinking of your own needs as well as your daughter. That is great because if you do not stay healthy then she will have two dysfunctional parents and be left to handle this all alone and that is never good