I’m past the point of caring what people think of me or how I make my living. It’s just that I’m feeling tired, burned out and empty inside. A few guys wanted to make a little video with me, so I came up to Texas, they got a motel room, did the vid, I got paid, they left, I stayed and worked the area. Next day, I’m back in Mexico and dropped off at a brothel / motel. Stayed yesterday and today, tonight is just dead. Going back down to more familiar places. When I’m working, I like it, I feel alive, sometimes even having fun. Immediately after the guys leaves, I feel dirty, used, worthless, until the next guys shows up. In 2 years, my little sister will finish high school, and I’ve saved up enough for her to hopefully pay for college, or at least most of it. Then, it won’t matter what happens to me, I can keep doing this or try something else. Yet not many job opportunities for a 9th grade drop out. I just feel like I’m spiraling, not out of control, but just spinning, going deeper into sadness and there is no way out.
If you feel like you’re used without your will, you should probably stop for once. I don’t think you need to sacrifice for saving finance’s for somebody.
i think you need to live your life as you see fit. Not worry about what others think. I also believe the you need to be happy in your life. I think you working and trying to save money for your sister is great.
But I have to. If I don’t, I’m just so scared she will end up like me. She has so much going for her that I can’t stand to see anything bad happen to her.
It saddens me that you feel like that, i think your sister is very lucky that you are doing that for her but what are you doing for you? Will you stop after your sister goes to college? You need to take care of yourself and well girl, please be careful.
Agree with the rest. Although it is nice that you are doing this for your sister. You need to also think about yourself. I do not think you enjoy your line of work. You would not feel that way afterwards.
I don’t know how old are you, but any time is a good time to start making a change. At some point you should start doing something for you. The sooner the better.
Why do you say that she’ll end up like you? Were you born in a dysfunctional background? You don’t need to say anything - I’m just wondering.
You have to do what you have to do in this world honey, and I know from experience its not always wholesome or pretty. In the end what you choose to do to make money is just another choice you make in this life, but if you are going to choose that kind of life you have to try and be more mindful of how it will affect you in the end.
There are two kinds of people in this world, there are the kind that do these things and let the shame destroy them from the inside, they let the self pity and feelings of worthlessness consume them; or there are the kind of people who use that shame and those negative feelings to lift them up and make themselves better and stronger because they don’t like how those feelings make them feel.
You have no doubt seen some sh*t, but who you are now is not who you will always be. What you do now is not always what you will do–unless that is the choice you make. Just keep that in mind as you move forward, because its the only direction you can go.
Sex can be very empowering if you view it the right way. If its consensual then you have all the power. Its your choice. There is no shame in doing what you have to do to survive your life.
I hope someday, that you can find another profession to get you through this life. Don’t let your educational limitations hinder you from growth. Where there is a will there is a way. Just, don’t give up on yourself okay. There is always hope that tomorrow, no matter what kind of questionable things you do today.
You have a good heart for making that sacrifice for your sister. I am sure she appreciates it.