Just found out my husband of 15 years could possibly still b

Just found out my husband of 15 years could possibly still be having an affair that he swore was over 3 months ago. Im so lost and need to just talk with someone.

4 Hearts

That is one of my biggest fears I definitly feel for you. Did he tell you or you found evidence?

@solost31 well 3 months ago just 3 days after we got home from the hospital from having our second child, i am looking at the phone bill for something and see this number over and over. So i call it. No answer. I ask him and he says its so and so’s # but i look in my phone and this friend of his hes saying this number is is not the number i have on him. So i end up paying for one of those reverse phone number look ups online and get a name and address. Of course hes deny deny deny. And i want to believe him because he has never in 15 years given me a reason not to trust him and good lord we just had a baby. So i tell him i know this number is not who u say it is and lets just get in the car and drive to the address associated with this cell number i got online. Still he doesnt tell me. He says ok, we get the 4 day old baby out and everything. Well he wont let me get out at the house and when we get back home after some more drilling him and calling his alibi and catching him in that lie he finally tells me who she is, that they havent been talking but 2 weeks and nothing sexual has happened between them. Of couse i dont believe that last part. I end up finally getting her to text me back after threatening to come to her house and she said she didnt know he was married but he said she knew very well he was married and that he even sent her a picture of our newborn son. That almost hurt worse than finding out about her. But he said he loved me. Didnt want her and blah blah. So i said ok. 15 years, 2 kids…im willing to try to work this out. Not 3 months later, my heart still not healed and no where near trusting him i find out last week he took 8 hours vacation time. First he said it was wrong that he didnt, then he finally said he went golfing with a buddy from work.I said ok, call him up. Well i dont know his number he says. So who goes golfing with someone ive never heard u mention and dont have their phone number. He says he can get me proof but hes just buying time. I know hes lying. He swears he was not with another woman. I want to believe him so bad cause this man is all i know. I actually tthought about taking my life the other day and that is so not me. I just dont know what to do. I wish he would just tell me. He says he loves me, loves his family, doesnt want to miss his kids grow up and will be such a better father and husband from this day foward if i will just forgive him. Why would he be telling me this. If there is still someone else why not just let me go. Im so confused.

This is obviously a very distressing time. I'm happy to talk through what happened.

@unsure1208
You need to go into. Outselling with a clear head and heart. Decide what you want now. If you wish to salvage the marriage then the third party in loved must be removed, entirely , completely, and forever.

So here is what you do.
You lie.
Beat him at his own game.
The truth is all cheaters are liars and even when confronted with bold faced evidence they will lie!
I once heard a wife literally found him in bed with the nanny nude and they said they were just " napping together ". And since she was European this was just the norm.

Do you understand what I’m saying.
Even with undeniable truths in front of them most will continue to lie.
So to get a chance at saving your marriage you don’t go into specifics .

You instead strongly state over and over and over and over THE SAME THING. Without faltering, without breaking, without showing a single sign of weakness.
You go into therapy with nerves of steel and a firm resolve. And you say this… nod only this…

I would like to save our relationship
But unless you can be straight with me I don’t see that as possible
I’m not going to go into all the specifics but I know
I KNOW

Don’t ask me why I know
don’t ask me why I won’t talk about it
don’t insult me by continuing to lie
Either you MAN UP now or I want you to leave

I’m willing to try and work on things with the following conditions

That the other women is blocked from all of your devices
emails
all of your accounts
That we block her together so that I have the reassurance it is actually being done
That I will then also have transparency to all your accounts and can view your phone texts
emails and anything else at any time

These are simply small reassurances after being cheated on
these are requests
Not demands

But I won’t be lied to anymore and I don’t want to stay in a relationship with someone who has no respect for me or for himself

If he wants to have a dialogue around how you know or what you
know shut it down

Just tell him it’s go time
Either he can man up
confess
and do the right things to help repair your relationship or he can leave

And that is all you say

I know everything
You need to make a decision
Here’s what I need to move forward
Stop lying to me

I know everything
here is what I need to move forward and stop lying

I’m not a fool and I’m not having another discussion with you

I know everything
either you get rid of her or we are over
we block her on all your accounts and we do it together and then I have access to everything

It’s your choice

If not there’s the door

Please know that this will be very difficult for you to do
You will have to’s practicing the above over and over and over again
He will probably rage at you
get upset
try and break you break your spirit
break your confidence
Break your resolve
Make you feel stupid Or crazy

These are all diversionary or stalling tactics to get you to back down

If you backdown he gets what he wants which is to still live and do whatever he wants to do with you and her

If you don’t allow him to break you
you will have a chance at getting what you want
Which is to have the third-party out of the picture to see if your relationship is worth salvaging
Good luck

I know it sounds harsh but I believe in you

For this to work you have to believe in yourself

I'm sorry to hear, you must be feeling so trapped right now.

cosababy - Welcome to SupportGroups. Follow your gut instincts & please consider researching options to empower yourself, doesn't hurt to know options. Stay w/us & continue talking, it can help. I'm so sorry he created this mess & needs to clean it up.

That is the worst part...the game playing and the trickle down truth....wish they would just save us the agony and come right out with it...because their games and lies just retraumatize us over again...but I guess it shows how messed up and selfish they are and don't know what they really want. I had to finally draw the line for my own good after putting up with her games for 4 months. Once I drew the line she woke up, but a year later I am still paying the heavy price from the trauma as we try to recover. The book Love Must Be Tough might help you deal with his behaviour...love yourself first.

1 Heart

@mountainclimber ill check that out. Thanks. I just want my family. Just to be happy with my family. I dont see where thats asking alot.

Thanks everyone. This is so hard. I actually told myself that ok i will just deal with him doing this as long as i get to be there with him. I know thats so crazy. I use to be so independent. But over the years i have just gotten so dependant on him for everything. I practically gave up all my friends. He didnt want me to work (which i am thankful for being able to stay home with my precious son) but now even if i had the courage to leave, ya i could move in with my parents, ugh, but i would have no home, no job, no money and my family would be gone. He swears he is not doing anything. Says he loves me so much and loves his family so much and wouldnt know what to do without me. But there are so many things that he just has never done. And he has admitted to doing certain things to try to make me jealous so i would love on him more or show him more attention. But goodness, i have 3 month old baby who wont let me put him down, and i had some medical issues after giving birth that im just now getting over. Im exhausted 90% of the time. But he just dont understand. He wants me to be super woman. And i cant.

Hope everyones doing well. I guess i am. Still really sad. At home with my 3 month old and my thoughts all day is troubling at times. He keeps me busy and my mind off of everything for the most part but not all the time. I feel so much better when im around people. Even if its my husband and we are arguing. It just reminds me im not alone. I do not do well with being alone. Well hope all is well.

I hold so much resentment with him for doing this. I dont know how to stop the thoughts and to just let it go. He says things would be so much different if i would just stop looking for something he has done wrong everyday. But i dont know how to do that. I am driving myslef crazy wanting to catch him doing something wrong just to prove myself right. But with him working an hour away and if the woman is meeting him there or works with him then i dont know what to do. I have 2 kids, one a newborn that i cant just throw in the car and go stalk him. And i dont have anyone to watch them. I feel completely helpless in the situation

@cosababy13 - one can always forgive but never forgets, thats all you can ask of yourself right now. Hubby should be very understanding for this turmoil HE created, not good male role modeling either. In the future, learn all you can about finances that will carry you farther in life & take some of the focus off of wasting time trying to catch him. Its already been established that he failed everyone so is up to you to march forward, if at all possible stash cash, start saving $20 at a time, learn costs associated should you every decide to take a different path, at least you’ll be bettering/securing yourself for a “Plan”.

@Hope730 - well said

From Romantic Relationships to Cheating & Infidelity

From Romantic Relationships to Cheating & Infidelity