My husband recently confessed to having an affair with a coworker/friend.He did not say how long it lasted but that it was over and that he is committed to our marriage and that he still wants to remain friends with his ex mistress.He quit his job but still communicates with her daily. He said that they were best of friends before becoming lovers and that he wants to keep their friendship. Just a few months ago he was telling me how they were in love and were willing to walk away from everything (a 20 year marriage & 15 year relationship)to be together. So I find it hard to believe that she is ok with just being friends. I feel as long as they remain friends this will give her hope of becoming lovers again. I told him that I loved him unconditionally and that I would be forgiving, supportive and trusting (about their friendship). But the reality is, this is destroying me. To express how I feel, I used the analogy of a rape victim living in fear because she finds out her attacker is free and moved right into the neighborhood. I fear that if they remain friends, I will or maybe I've already lost him to her.I want to fight for our marriage and do what ever I can to make him happy, so I put on a happy face when he leaves me to go spend time with her. At least he is being honest and telling me he is going out to see her. But I feel like I'm drowning and I can't swim. And no matter how hard I fight to stay a float, I'm losing strength and I have to accept the fact that I'm going to drown. It hurts that my husband can't see how painful this frienship is for me.
Welcome to SupportGroups.com, you are absolutely correct that they should not remain "friends", thats a BIG NO NO. From what you describe hes being indecisive even if you look at it as hes "being honest", I hope I'm wrong, 9 times outta 10 they want their cake & eat it too & usually women will do anything to FIX the problem/issues that created the circumstances that more likely than not had nothing to do with the WOMAN their married to. Am sure you've discussed marriage counseling/therapy if hes truly willing to work on the relationship & should not be discussing ANY personal aspects of your life together w/this other woman as thats like an emotional affair, I wont even begin w/trust issues that have been created.
This is killing YOU inside by him not acknowledging what its doing to you & in time you will be resentful towards him if not already. I'm so sorry for what this man has created & what your enduring, my heart goes out to you & we're all here to talk/listen when you feel like it.
Take care of you.
April
Hi, bunny, welcome here. What April told you is the truth of your situation. I woud like to add that you have to listen to your feelings -if you feel like drowning this is a sign of severe emotional pain. Your husband is kind of emotionaly beating and torturing you. Don't permit this anymore if you have the strenght to stand up for yourself. He has to choose between you and his ""friend???"" and quickly before destroying your mental health. Wish you to find peace of mind.M.K.
Hi Bunny,
I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. I have gone through it too. The first rule to recovering from infidelity (read any book, talk to any therapist) is that the unfaithful spouse must sever all contact with the other person. There us a book that helped me. "After The Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. It took my husband about a month to sever ties. It has been five months now and we are much better than the beginning, but it is still very difficult. I have my own therapist, he has one, and we go to couples counseling. It is possible to heal from this, but difficult. My heart goes out to you.
Babs