Just joined here today 11th August and I am disgusted

Addiction & Recovery Substance Abuse
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My name is Jim. I am 49 years old. I come from Scotland.

I moved to England in 2001. ( yes...a "geographical" ) I'd lost my house and my job in Scotland all through my drinking. Joined AA in England and was sober for a year. That was London.

I moved to a small market town in the countryside of the home counties. The pubs were quaint. One drink? Where's the harm? I am now an active drunk again and I am disgusted.

Last week I went to a country pub. I walk home through the woods. I was already drunk when I got there. I don't remember leaving.

When I woke up, I'd no idea how I got home. My feet were a bit sore. I headed straight through the woods to the pub at 11am when it opened. I met a man who worked there as a groundsman. ( the pub is in really a remote place )

"You're stuff's over there" he said.

I went and looked and, lying at the path to the woods were my shoes, trousers, and a bag containing some personal belongings.

He also told me I'd fallen off of my bench twice the night before.( I sit outside as I am a smoker ) He went on to say that I was going to fight two men who offered to help me. I've no recollection of this. He said that I was often very aggressive towards others when drunk but a lovely person sober.

He told me that, on leaving, I'd kicked off my shoes and taken off my trousers at the bottom of the woodland path when I'd left the previous night and then headed off into the darkness.

I've no recollection of this whatsoever. I did vaguely have memories of being in a wheat field with sore feet but I thought that had been a dream.

I saw my wife later that afternoon. I'd woken her up hammering at the door at 0230 with no shoes or trousers on. ( my house keys had been in my trouser pocket )

This reads like a joke. It isn't. It's not funny to me in the slightest. My wife has gone away for a week. I don't know if we'll still be together when she gets back.

I feel like a demented man. I am ashamed.

I am trying to slowly detox. My doctor says if I stop drinking immediately I will have a fit or a stroke. My whole body system is so wired on alcohol that the sweats and shake I get when I didn't drink today are awful. ( In the end, I've had two beers. I'll have two to help me sleep later. I'll do this. I've been here before...

Waiting on a call back from a friend in AA.

I am tearful, shaky, and lonely.

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Update - It's 2324 now. Just talked to a friend in AA. Optimistic.

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Hi Scottish Jim, Welcome to SupportGroups.com . Glad to hear you have talked to someone in AA. It can be rough in the beginning getting off the booze but the good news is that it does get better. Keep talking with your friend and also try to make a meeting. Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

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Many thanks for the welcome and hugs bluidkiti. For update on my situation, see my reply to Aziemus77.

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Hey Scottish Jim, Just wanted you to know that theres a lot of us who've been were you've been. I too have done some very embarassing things while under the influence, especially in my blackout states. I also felt thoroughly disgusted with myself because of this and even felt like I wanted to die. Making sobriety number #1 has improved my life tremendously. Sending out positve thoughts toward you.You'll be in my prayers.

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Thanks Aziemus77. Been sober now for three days. Read “We Agnosic” & “How it works” in AA The Big Book. Got myself a sponsor too. ( The smae friend I talked with on the phone )

Alone in house with my collie dog who’s badly cut his leg on a fence wire. He’s not allowed out apart to the garden for toilet, so I am housebound looking after him. ( Not that I grudge that, he’s a lovely dog )

To complicate matters still further, prior to my blackout binge posed above, I was to go on holiday with my wife. After that she ended up going alone with my stepdaughter.

Received a text via mobile phone yesterday from her saying that she wants me to leave as she’s had enough.

On the positive side, still not drinking.

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Hi Aziemus77, Welcome to SupportGroups.com . You are so right about alot of us having been there. Like you, I also did some embarrassing things while under the influence. Once sober, you don't have to do that anymore. You are right on about making sobriety number 1. That is what we must do. I hope you will continue to come and share with us. We need you here. ((((hugs))))