hi. i'm kari and i just joined today. i have struggled on and off with SOME form of an ED since i was 13. i'm now 40, so needless to say, it's been years and years of excess energy expended on this disorder and not something i'm going to kick easily. i know that. i recently visited my family in california (i live in NJ with my 2 children) for christmas and i'd purposely lost about 5-6 lbs before i went out (all thru starving, bingeing/purgeing, etc) and my sister and dad sat me down for a mini-intervention telling me that i was spiraling out of control and needed help.
now that i'm back home in NJ, i have no idea where to start or what to do to go about getting better. i have crappy insurance and not sure what they will cover. i recognize that each time i take this disorder to a different level, it just brings more problems into my life.
i own a company where i'm "on display" (singles/matchmaking organization) and constantly reminded about my looks, by thin body, etc. which just reinforces the disorder. i'm so tired of the incessant thoughts in my head and of constantly berating and judging myself. no one understands what i feel and why, which makes me feel even that much more alone.
i have no energy and i feel as though i'm living half a life and jipping my kids of a healthy, good mother. it sucks and i feel like a disgusting, selfish person. i just don't know how to stop this awful disease that rules my life.
*HUGS* I hear ya! I'm 31 and been dealing with this since I was 14 and it's hard to find anyone that understand. Have you looked for support groups in your area? Maybe finding that support group might help you out. I feel alone sometimes because I feel like no one understands what I'm going through. If you want, email me at [email protected] and we can just talk. :) I hope you feel better soon :) I have 2 kids of my own and it's hard. By the way, welcome! This is my first time in this support group, too :)
welcome also…You will find many women and men who understand here we are here to give and receive support to one another. Have you been diagnosed or seeing any professionals for your Ed?
This site has been a huge help for me…I have made many connections here. I joined almost 2 yrs (in the spring).
I hope you will share more with us.How old are your kids …I also have 2 children.
Ive struggled with an Ed for some time but the reality hit me just a couple of yrs ago. I did receive outpatient treatment I am 42.
I also wanted to be a healthy role model to my kids. It was hard to be away from them but well worth it.
i know you will make great connections here it feels so good to feel understood and not feel so alone struggling with something like this.
welcome to support groups..i feel your frustration and fear!! I too struggled with eating disorder issues since I was 14.Now many yrs later and after an abusive Marriage I have come to reality and wanted help. I am now 42 and my ex told me I was selfish and attention seeking. It took me some time to realize that I needed to make a change and take steps to fight this. I finally managed some outpatient treatment..it was a hard thing to go through but I managed to make it through. I also have 2 children. Now I sit and eat meals with them I am a much healthier mom than previously.
I did this for me and for my kids. This site has helped me get to where I am today.
Jan moderates this site and can hep you find groups or even treatment in your area or close to you.
Have you ever been in counseling or had any professional help with this.Im guessing no to that.
We are here to support you ..you will find many caring women that understand because they have been or feel the same way as you.Coming here shows you are at a point in your life to start to deal with your disorder. Thats a step in the right direction. I have used this site a s a tool in journaling and it has been very helpful to me.
hope you will continue to share more..we are here for you.
hi there, kari. first, congratulations on your bravery in taking this step forward and making the "i need help" admission aloud. it takes a certain courage to permit that vulnerability, so i'm giving you a standing ovation o'er here in my little corner of the world. :) secondly, my-oh-my can i empathize! you and i are in a similar age cohort with aspects to our lives are very closely related. throughout my life i have been bombarded mercilessly by ridiculous cultural and social messages that have twisted my poor little thoughts into a smorgasbord of self-berating messages that have left me feeling caged and most certainly like i'm not ______ enough, (insert "skinny", "pretty", "tall", "busty", etc etc etc). and sadly somehow, over the years i have come to believe some of that mess. so now, here i sit, untangling YEARS of the complicatedness that is me; trying to be gentle and patient, trying to develop a belief in health over thinness, doing my best to focus on progress, not perfection. i have faith in you, kari. we are all capable of countless reincarnations of ourselves, and you, my dear, are no exception. be good to yourself today.
AG thank you! wow, i feel so fortunate to have found such a supportive, caring place. i've been in therapy for years, but not with someone who specifically specializes in ED issues. i have MANY others as well, believe me, that also need addressing. assuming that's not uncommon since ED's typically aren't the ROOT of the problem,right?
i would LOVE to eat normally and sit with my kids and have meals like a healthy person. i feel so selfish when my daughter makes comments to me like, "MOM!!! would you PLEASE just eat like a normal person????" or "You never eat during the day Mom!" god, i'm sure she's destined for her own ED as she grows older. that SUCKS!!!
i know how ridiculous this sounds, but i'm ashamed to go to a meeting right now b/c i feel HUGE and as if other members would look at me like, "WHAT THE HELL is she doing here right now???" and like i'm a total failure b/c i can't even do "anorexia" right!!!!
The first time I started an Ed group I waited 15 min outside the door petrified…having all the same thoughts you are having. I wasn’t thin enough ,I didn’t look like I had an ED,what she doing here. But I found out that Eds come in ALL sizes. Some people even continue with the group after treatment for support. no one will judge and will be just as caring and understanding as everyone here on support groups.
I know that fear but believe me you will be glad you did go and you will connect with others that are struggling with the same issues. Non of us want to continue to live this way but its up to us to take the steps to get help. It feels so good to find people that understand. we just have to push ourselves out of our comfort zone.
Our kids do see what we do …that was my main motivation was to get help was being a better role model.
evolution, yep, sounds like we're cut from the same mold and were given similar messages while growing up. oh, to be kind and gentle to myself, what a wonderful concept. i do have to say, i've introduced yoga into my life and it HAS been a HUGE godsend and something i know i need to keep doing.
now...how to get out of my head...where oh' where do i start with THAT one???
Hi Kari, welcome to the site. Let me first start off by saying I can relate to your job/careee fueling your ED. I work in the beauty/fashion industry which is solely based on how one looks and the vanities that come with it. I've actually had to take a sick leave as if I'm serious about trying to rid ed from my life I couldn't continue to go to work everyday and subject myself to the toxic fire fueling me.
Have you ever considered professional treatment? I know your insurance is crappy but its worth checking into as I don't believe you can beat an ed without pro help.
gina, thank you! yes, i have some friends right now helping me look into professional help. they keep reinforcing to me that i can't do this alone. i know that. somedays i can actually envision my life w/o an ED, which i know is a good step, and others' i'm just ruminating about it ALL day long b/c of what the scale said.
yeah, i own/run a singles organization (as well as matchmake) and host singles events where i'm constantly surrounded by men who tell me that LOOKS matter and they only date "fit" women, etc, etc. doesn't help that i'm single, and yes, "fit", which just reinforces it all. when my weight fluctuates, i FREAK out and feel as tho i'll be alone forever. ironic b/c its the ED that keeps me isolated and alone!! go figure????
I totally get how you're feeling. When I get compliments from clients or co-workers it just feeds my ed and encourages me to continue in my destructive behaviours.
I'm glad you are looking into professional help, that's a very positive step that tells me you're truly ready for change :)
Hey Kari,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You sound like you have such a wonderful family, who absolutely adore you, and you sound ready to say "**** you ED you won't take a minute more off me"...you know what you want.
Sweetie the first thing i would definitely recommend is you seek therapy. EDs aren't surface simple, as you know...it runs deep.
And sweetie those guys who say stuff like that, what the hell do they do know. Imagine if you said "ya I know what you mean I'd only look at a guy who i knew had a big penis"...that would soon shut their gobs fast.
We are all here supporting you.
Love to you
Moongal x
I am soooooo glad you made the choice to voice yourself on this site!!!:)
I too have been suffering some form of ED since I was 12-13 and I am now 38. I was hospitalized twice for it. I have recently relapsed quite badly again and am going through the sruggle to divorce myself from ED once again. I joined this group not really knowing what to expect but it is a life saver. Everyone here is very supportive and I consider myself lucky to have them all as a kind voice when in need.
Please do all you can to get rid of ED. Your life is worth so much more than he let you believe. It is not easy but it will be worth it in the end.