i haven't been well. i'm getting into another spell of depression and confusion and i can't tell you enough how disappointed i am in myself. i keep trying to tell me to snap out of it and find some strength so that i can figure out this outpatient program mayhem, but the more and more i work on it, the more and more i feel hopeless and scared, and the more and more i want to just numb myself to it.
for the first time in a while i restricted yesterday... and i plan to again today. i just... i just...
i am lost in my head and my thoughts don't make sense and i'm sad and don't know what to do about it.
there's been so much going on that i've been trying to deal with alone, that now i've got too much anxiety about any of it and want to go back.... back to ED.
well, i do and i don't at least...
i don't want to because i've put in a lot of work to become healthy (but it sucks when it doesn't come, and that's why i revert)
i also don't want to because i've found the love of my life, and really, really, really, whole heartedly don't want to be EDtijana with him... i fear mostly of losing him. and i deserve him! i fucking deserve the love and care and happiness he has provided me and i'm so scared i'm lowering that love into a pit of needles (like in goonies).
my whole life all i've wanted is to feel love, and it's my boyfriend who has showed me what that dream is... and when i think of all my challenges and downs in the future, i feel like i could handle them if i have him right there supporting me. and i want to support him and return that love and gift... and i can't if i'm wrapped in depression, anxiety, and (dare i say) a relapse.
what i want right now: about 10k so i can be admitted into valenta. clothes that fit. to quit my job so i can find myself again.
after those, i truly feel like i can have a foundation to be the person i've never been... there's this person inside i've never met and i know i'm close but i just cant seem to get there.
i want to be that woman - the creative, confident, and honest woman inside who has never felt comfortable to show... i think there are glimpses of this woman here and there but i want to be her 100%
my next couple of days are going to be rough - i have to tell my family about what is going on with me and hope that they can help me. i'm scared. so scared.