Just need someone to listen

I am currently in a detention center and I will be released in 4 weeks. It's been a long journey for the past 2 years...it's been hard...I made a bad choice and I have been paying for it. But I have also grown alot as a person, I have had alot of time to reflect on my life. I am married and have 2 beautiful kids. I have been with my husband for 25 years...we have had alot of ups and downs. But the entire time that I have been down, we have talked about how we are going to have a fresh new start when I come home. But for the last 5 months, he has turned to the internet becuase he is lonely at nights, can't sleep all night..so he wakes up and gets on the computer. He has turned to a "chat" room, and has met someone that he has connected with. He tells me that it's just something for him to do and that its not what I think. That he loves me. But I have read emails and I know that its more to it than what he says..but I have his mom saying the same thing, that's it is just talking...and nothing can come of it..because she is half way around the world. I love my husband and we have talked about starting over...that we both have changed...that we love each other, but we are not in love with each other. Because of the time that we have been apart..but we have a chance to reconnect and fall back in love with each other. But lately when I talk to him, he is just so "down in the dumps" and so distant. He has not worked in over a year, he is on unemployment..and really hasn't tried to hard to find a job..his excuse was that I am coming home soon and he wants to be home with me for the couple of weeks that I am taking off from work. All we have done for the past few months is argue and it's all because of his little internet addiction. I just want these next few weeks to fly by and get home and start over. He has told me that he is going to stop this before I come home. Am I crazy for thinking that we can work this out? Anyone have any experience with this before? I am open to all the advice I can get. Thanks for listening..

fresh start for YOU and your children! I would put all your energy into yourself & children and embrace your life!! as for the internet chatting relationship I wouldn't put much worries into that as they are harmless.of course if turns into a "real" relationship and they meet etc... then yes, he needs to move on with his life and new fling... meanwhile be careful not to be pulled into his "down in the dumps!" you are back on-top of your game, stay on it!!!! good for you

Thank you, just keep us in your prayers.

LSUGIRL

HI, I had this problem with the hubby like 2 months ago. You might not agree with me but with the experience I had with my hubby there was more to chatting I was lucky to back track his myspace and seen all his email's they ranged from asking a girl out for dinner, asking them to meet and exchange numbers. I found everything before he had the chance to cheat but it still made him look like a cheater.

What I did is really get to the bottom of it and find his true fillings is not worth fighthing for someone that is not willing to be there for you 100%. Plus let me tell you from my point of view yes they might be just talking right now but what is going to happend when they decide to meet up? Like my hubby was doing in myspace think about it! I been there you need to talk to him about it and if you don't like it then its better if he stops because he would not like it if you were doing that talking to someone in a chat room.

I believe in my heart someone will change if they are willing to change and yes you both can make the relationship work there is no perfect relationship we all have the good and the bad our ups and downs.

But I do believe that you should have him stop and talk to him and let him know how that makes you feel.

XOXO

ANA

Ana thanks…I have talked to him about stopping and he says that he is going to stop before I come home. She is in Russia and that there is no way that they will meet. That’s what he says…and I want to believe that. I asked him if she knew when I was coming home and he said yes…and that she knows that we are going to try and work things out.
I am not home so I can’t make him stop…his mom tells me that nothing will come from it…but I don’t exactly how much she knows…but I made sure she knows that to me it’s cheating and I know it’s not a physical relationship but it’s still an emotional connection and that scares the crap out of me. We do love each other, but we are just not in love…because of the time that we have been apart. Yesterday…he made a comment that he was just ready for me to be home…He is tired of the pressure of having to figure out what to cook, what to buy etc…but you know I had to do all of this for 18 years …because he didn’t really help me alot before I came to jail. He realized that when I came to jail and apologized for that and promised that it would be different when I come home.
I know I am rambling…but it’s good to have someone give me advice that has no connection.

Honestly, it is probably just his desperate loneliness since you've been gone. We come to rely on our spouses a lot, sometimes too much, and loosing them, even for a little, can make you feel helpless. This was probably the easiest, and in his mind safest, way for him to get what he'd been missing from you. Is it fair? No. Should he have? No. But it is something that can be worked through. But you need to convince him to stop NOW before it does go too far, and before he becomes dependent on the emotional satisfaction that such relationships bring. You're quicker, wittier, and much more attractive when online. You can think before you speak, you can paint a better picture of yourself. And people will always tell you how wonderful you are. It's a fantasy, that truth will never really live up to. And it's addictive. He needs to realize that the REAL relationship with you is not only more valuable, but it's better, because it's honest. It's just that it will be harder than when you're chatting on the net.

I don't feel that anything done over the Internet is cheating. To me, it's practically in the same category as porn. Someone is posting or typing something to fulfill a secret fantasy. And because of our penchant to lie, to boost your ego, you're not usually sharing more of yourself than you would in a physical relationship. I know a lot of people don't agree with me, but in my mind, online is still fantasy.

Hope that helps.

Cheating IS cheating even if its emotional cheating for it takes away from all surrounding it, instead of them spending time w/one another or the kids.

Your husband misses you and is trying to meet a need. I don't care if they have phone sex every night. She does not replace you. You wronged him as well by being away from him.

The reality is we ALL make mistakes. But, to him, you are special. Otherwise you'd know nothing of his interaction with this woman.

Marriage should not be a leash. It should be LOVE that dictates the restraints. Be kind and gentle, both to yourself and hubby. He misses you.

Thank you for your advice. I know that this has been a very hard time for ALL of us…and that the next few weeks the waiting is the hardest …but I will be home soon. I really didn’t know about this “girl” until I found an email that he had sent to her…and we have had alot of major discussions about this. This “girl” has feelings for him and has told me. Even though she is half a way around the world, it still scares me…because they have an emotional relationship…and I worry …about if he can just stop talking to her and wanting to talk to her when I come home. I have to trust…but I have found a few emails…that show me that he does care for this person. My fear is that when I come home, that I won’t be enough …and he will still have the desire to talk to her. Crazy! Then again I think that I will be home and we will be together and maybe he won’t have the desire to talk to her. But he also wants us to move to another state, so he is planning to leave a couple of weeks after I come home and he start looking for a job in the other state. I am worried that even though I will be home, we will be apart…we will still see each other on the weekends. But I am just worried and it’s driving me crazy with all the thoughts that go through my head. I have told him that basically for the next 3-4 weeks…I don’t give a damm what he does…as far as the computer thing, because I know that he is not going to stop right now even though I have asked him to. He has told me that he is going to stop before I come home. So I have to trust this…but I know that he is “addicted” to this. Like I said I am just worried and ready to be home with my family and start over.

At least you can see the RED FLAGS posted all along the way for future reference of patterns of behavior.....

Beauty of hind sight.....

I hope you reconsider this situation for the betterment of your health & well being & sake of your family, its a high price for all down the road.....

Take care of you

April

So you think that I should move on without him? Explain what you said a little more to me ok? A high price?? not worth it you think?

LSUGirl- I like you. Not sure what you did to get in the predicament you're in, but it wouldn't matter.

Hope you are ok waiting ........... Not much else you can do.

I will share something deeply personal. Being in love with someone else is much different than just cheating on your spouse.

I know from personal experience. My hubby lied to me to get me to marry him and, although we've been married 12 yrs, I just found out. After seeing a therapist, I realized he is a compulsive liar and has some SERIOUS issues.

But my behavior has not helped. After sleeping around with a handful of guys i was too drunk too remember, I met a guy at a sports event. After a month of that we met. I've been having an affair for almost a year with a him, a married man. I fell in love, deeply in love, for the first time in my life. He also fell deeply in love with me. But he has kids he loves and I respect and love him more than myself. Therefore I find myself in limbo. But, I'm going to end my marriage. I want more.

So, my point is you may be talking to a 39 yr old woman who for the first time in her life belives she can have love and passion. But, that anything your hubby has done is not "necessarily" about you.

My question, not knowing your situation, yet very curious, wants to know what the heck YOU WANT. Once you know what YOU WANT, decisions will be easier.

With love.
-ST

I WANT it to work out between us…and I know that right now…we are just on “hold” until I get home. But I do love my husband and I can forgive him for turning to this internet crap…because he has forgiven me for my mistake by being in the detention center. But I do know that we have alot of work ahead of us. I just want to forget about this “girl” and that he turned to this…I don’t want to worry about him doing this again…and that is my fear. That I will wonder every time he gets on the computer “is he emailing her or chatting with her?” Even though he says he is not going to do this when I come home…I will still wonder. Guess it will just take time for that to heal. I am just ready to get home and be a mom again and a wife again. We celebrate our anniversary of 21 years the week before I go home. I just hope we can make it to 22. Thanks for listening…and as far as what put me in my situation…a bad choice …one that I know I will never make again. I don’t ever want to be away from my family again.

Again ladies, look within for the answers as to why one would surround/meet up w/certain types of people & then wonder what happened, the answer is within....

I have thought alot about this....and my husband and I have had a long talk...and I do know that he has done this to fill the void of me not being home. When I get home, we will work this out...together. We are going to be fine...it's going to be hard...but we are ready to work at this.

And that my friend IS hows its done & I hope hes on track as much as you are, good job, well done. Keep telling your story though so others can learn & be as strong in their conviction in trying to accomplish finding answers within as you are.

April

LSUGIRL

I hope everything works for you and your hubby best wishes for both of you. I hope you never have to be in a detention center ever again.

Hope everything works for you and remember always let him know your true fellings.

xoxo

ana