Just sick of being... me

Mental Health Self-Harm & Suicidal Thoughts
1

My life has been going downhill since 6 years ago, i found out the reason my gf at the time kept pushing me away when ever i tried to get close to her is because she was cheating with a guy at her job, the whole time she was getting mad blaming me for everything even the little things i though i had done something wrong i spent 2 months feeling like that in tell i found out.

Then at the same time i was going through medical issues i had severe pain in my legs off and on for almost 4 months some times to the point i couldn't even get out of bed it was so bad felt like i was run over. I was in and out of the doters office running test after test i felt like a pin cushion, i got results of my tests the day before i found out she was cheating a co-worker of hers told me as i was waiting to pick her up she just walked up and said "hey, your gf is cheating on you, thought ya wanted to know" and walked off.

I was in shock thinking no she wouldn't do that and started to feel disappointed at the situation after confronting her she told me she was so confused i was always sick and he was willing to listen to her. I didn't say anything to her about what i found out i just drove her home and left.

I just sat in bed each morning thinking what the **** did i do wrong? i was always there for her threw all the bullshit and drama, i even paid her bills i didn't care if i had money as long and she was happy. i kept thinking it was my fault...

Then my friend kept coming over to annoy me, she talked me into joining this dating site i wont say which one she kept insisting on it, i finally gave in just to make her happy and i had girls respond but only one insulted me. I still don't know why but she mailed me asked to chat, said i seem really nice and she wanted to get to know me and a photo so i responded to her.

Well... the next morning i got this email from her again and she insulted me in a really bad way, i don't want to type it out here but i cannot forget what she said to me and i think of it even to this day, i don't talk about it even to my closest friends she has her own problems but i keep wondering if she was right?

Here lately i am thinking about it and i am just tired of being me, i should be married and have kids a home with something to look forward to i think i deserve it i know i am not handsome or rich but i am a good person ant i? idk anymore...
My friend wants me to get out and date she seems to think i am a sweet guy if i can let a girl in she should see all my good quality's but i am not sure anymore i know there is no cure for my cell disorder it will happen again in the future and last for god knows how long last week it hit me again for 2 days she had to come over to check on me because she texted me and i couldn't reply my phone was down stairs.

So she got mad i didn't eat anything the whole time i didn't want to bother her i feel like a burden on my friends i know its not an every day thing but i am just so tired of all the bullshit all i ever wanted was to be normal and maybe a little happy...

Last few days she has been coming over more and hanging out last nigth she was cuddling with me watching netflix, she told me if she didn't have a bf she would snatch me up! idk if she is doing it to make me feel better or.

Well i better stop posting she is here now so thanks if you actually read it all hope it made some sense i might be back later to finish this post.

2

You should feel very fortunate that you found out about your girlfriend, and you are free to be with a good and compassionate person, with time you will find out. Please, do not worry about your health, it takes time to heal, have faith. Try to have positive thoughts and say to yourself that you will be healthy and happy. Wishing you all the best. God bless you.

3

suggestion, b4 jumping into another relationship to get happy you may want to work on yourself for a bit. going from one relationship to the other can create some issues if your not fit...body, mind, spirit....what about your health hun? has this been work out? we look for other significant others to make us whole/happy but our personal issues over shadow them until we are weller.....just my experience passed on...hope all work out well hun

4

You know i am a person who is always trying to look on the bright side of thing or make my friends laugh, and keeping a positive attitude was never an issue but i am running out of stuff to be positive/thankful for. I am a smart person i have been through a lot i did not lose my cool i can be very patient but i am tired of waiting for my turn to be happy.

But i have decided to wait in tell september on my birthday, if nothing changes if no developments, i thought maybe fate will lend a hand but if not i will take action.

To "marcie"
I am annoyed with her i spent all that time and effort in our relation ship to be thrown aside just for some **** with a nice butt/body he dumped her the next day after she slept with him lmao hes a loser nice choice and called me crying about it. Yes i am happy i know why she was treating/acting like that.

To "wiffyatthehub"
-(some issues if your not fit...body, mind, spirit)-
What? So you saying have to be thin and a perfect life to meet a new girl?
I used to think she would see me for who i really am, a kind/loving dedicated person but i can only change my self so much before i am not me anymore...

Maybe what i need is a little support, from a woman a shoulder to lean on and talk things over with i am tired of facing everything alone, i feel like i have so much love to give but i am just stuck waiting for something, i don't know what you think of me i am not an angry emo dramatizing to everyone i meet in fact i am very friendly person i will go out of my way to help someone i don't take old relationship issues with me into a new relationship what s done is done. I strongly believe that starting fresh is the best choice.

* But i have to get going, thanks for the reply's i hope you all have a great day.

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no no hun, has nothing to due with being "thin",,,meaning healthy, no health issues hun. good to hear you don't take issues from one relationship to the other i always did. thats why i expressed that it was my experience hun, no insult intended and i do apolozige if i offended you in anyway. i don't always communicate things well.

i'm all for fresh starts to fyigeek.....i really love your auto reply ...where ever you go there you are....hehe.....that one was passed to me years ago in aa when i finally "GOT IT"

thanks hun and you have a blessed easter sunday

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Oh no wiffy, lol wiffy im not offended, i was just a little mad that day the bone specialist wont do any surgery on me he says he wont do any surgery in tell i lose 200 punds, at first i did not know if he was joking or what i told him i have been fighting with my weight every day, i do eat healthy but its not working fast enough
he strongly believes my weight is the main cause of my bad knee even knowing i fell 4 years prior and it broke and was down hill from there but just said "Lose Weight" or "Liposuction" pick one and come see me when your ready kind of pissed me off.

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yup woulda upset me to. we got something like that in regards to my illness but it was you just have to live with it.....thought my husband was gonna choke the doc...mind over matter....ya right? there are many things in life that that may work on you and i got real pain man, like are you kidding me. so do you at least have some meds to help pain? so hun are you looking for knee replacement or what exactly? so lets do a trade, i was hospitalized for to little weight, your doc says you need to loose some....give it here hun i'll take it. sure would like help, hate to see anyone in pain.

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Yeah on top of that i have the **** cell disorder which cause my leg to swell and burn like hell, so like i said keeping a positive outlook is a battle lol, my knee did break originally but i did not have insurance a t the time so i went for almost 2 months with no treatment for it then when i did not much was really done about it, even knowing my right leg is almost 2'inches shorter now than me left leg.

They took all the x-rays and he said i had no choice but to get it replaced but then again he wont freaking do it!!! I am not that fat he makes me feel like i am shriek or something. I have been trying to lose weight till i cant even move from the pain but its so limited even my trainer said there is no way i can do half of it...

My doctor gave me 90(count) 500mg vicodin each month but i hate taking them i don't feel like my self i just want to feel normal again and with everything else going on i just want to give up i am so tired. i take 2 of them in the morning just to mask the pain and put on a happy face and go out but my legs since they been swelling my skin has turned red from my knees down and its like i have a bad skin rash i have to keep my pants on when my friend comes over don't want to gross her out haha although i should she does it to me..

Sorry it took so long to reply i went to this church today for easter i get really disappointed in my self seeing all the women married with kids thinking that should be me, and i have been having nightmares the last 4 days.
But i did find a Self-Liposuction kit i am really considering trying it, as my need outweighs the risks, but i better go i am going to stay up all night and play Harvest Moon again my wife on there is pregnant i hope its a girl lol. .

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oh hun, i have nerve damage and dear god the pain and burning is like hell on earth. heck hun i'm on oxycodone, piroxicam, fentynl and temazapam for the pain and even that does'nt help sometimes. i'm packed in ice and i to have purplle/yellow with my legs and the singly business. i to hate the pain meds for how they make you feel, i to want to be me again, whoever that is now after so long with this illness.

church ah always a good thing. god hun. without him there is no point to anything. whats with the nightmares? do you also have trouble sleeping in general. i have for many years. oh hun self lipusuction does'nt sound like a wise thing to do. please do more research before you attempt something like that. you have a good one hun. chat with you soon

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Yeah i know that feeling, on select days like i said before when it feels like i was run over i cannot even walk i have to take 3 of them but it still hurts some my doter thinks surgery is a step in the right direction i seen him this morning he thinks because of my knee being so bad it wont let it get the water back out and that leads to new issues like the swelling/rash i am going to to take drastic steps starting today.

I cant use ice it makes it a lot worse i tried, also the pain pills are not the only thing i am on, i also have to take a water pill Furosemide x1 (sucks makes me pee 20 times a day) and Prednisone x2, i am getting sick of it they should treat the main cause not keep covering it up it over and over.

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does'nt prednisone put weight on the body? i know there are lots of meds that do.

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Yeah he told me it might but i have been monitoring it closely and still eating 4 small meals a day and no bad food, been drinking tea lately.

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My friend,

You sound like a fighter to me, I want to suggest that you never give up, Doesn't matter what girlfriends do, or whatever, The ultimate person you should consider thinking about is "Yourself. Take time to Make life right with yourself, Look for my Discussion about ignoring negative and unfruitful people and Turn yourself into an eagle.

once you become an eagle, you can freely be of service to others and not feel down on yourself....

I would also Suggest you Put your trust in Jesus.... Believe, and you will be fine.

14

"You sound like a fighter to me" But what am i fighting for? i keep wondering no reason to keep fighting if in the end i am still alone and empty inside. No matter what i do at the end of the day noting ever changes, "consider thinking about is Yourself" i am thinking of me for once that's why i have reached a decision, thanks for all the help people i wish you all luck sincerely.