Hi
I've never been in any type of support group, let alone like talking to many people about my personal life. I mean, I talk to few friends about some things, but there are others I never tell anyone cause it's just too hard and even embarassing for others to know. I've been looking for a therapist, I've been wanting to see one for some time but I can never bring myself to do it. I've seen some as a teenager, but that was mandatory and i never paid attention to any issues I ever had. Plus, being stationed overseas with my husband makes it hard, since there are no type of therapists here, and I hate military doctors. We have the FRG, which is kinda like a support system with the army dependants, but they aren't much help.
So yes, I have some issues, some which I've never learned how to deal with; my extreme shyness, anxiety, stress, and possibly being depressed. What do I know about my anxiety? I know that there are different kinds, and which I have.
Social Anxiety is one, i hate being in big groups of people, even 3 people I don't know is too much for me. I often panic, get real nervous and blush uncontrollably for no apparent reason.....I hate it. I don't know how to change it. I'm called the quiet one, cause I never like talking, perhaps I'm too afraid to. You know how people say to think before you speak? I think, and am never sure on what to say. I mean, if its one on one and they ask me questions then I'll reply and can have a normal conversation but otherwise it'd be awkward just sitting there and never saying a word. Another is speech anxiety or glossophobia, I hate public speaking, speaking in groups or crowded areas, I get nervous when I know i have to speak in the future, like a class project presentation. I could barely give my senior project presentation - all i really wanted to do was break down and run away. But it made it easier that it was only the principle, counselor and my teacher, I liked them and felt comfortable enough to do it.
I hate being stared at, I hate being the center of attention and all eyes on me, i hate always feeling nervous and anxious, but I can't always help it. Even in elementary school i was always quiet and hated talking to people, answering questions in class, my 7th grade teacher tried to convince my dad to have me see a psychiatrist. Pfft, and in 9th, during PE, my teacher always sent me to the counselors office, I never knew why, I didn't talk to her, I hated being there. Some people said I was traumatized about something, maybe. I've had a rough childhood i suppose, maybe being abused had something to do with it. But I was even quiet as a toddler, always timid. How to change that, trust me I've tried, but its like trying to ride a bike with no tires. idk
As for being depressed, I haven't figured that out yet. I have mood swings, I've been moody lately, more than usual. I'm always irritable, my husband irritates me but even while he's doing it he manages to make me laugh at the same time and I feel better for a second. I'm not always feeling down, sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm not, other time I'd just rather stare out into space. I'm currently taking college courses, my major is criminal justice, but I haven't figured out why. I mean the reading they give me often bores me, and i figure I'm only doing it so I had a goal in life to begin with. I don't want to be a cop, so why am I going to school for it?? I don't know what I want to be, what I want my life career to be, I never even knew as a kid. I like to paint and draw, I like to read, I like music, I like the internet, I like flowers and building things out of random things, I like to decorate and organize, I like to sleep and lay around in the sun, I like going to the park and on hiking trails in the nature, I love beautiful views.....but I doubt I'd make a career out of any of those. So I'm trying to figure it all out in the mean time.