Last couple days on my apartment lease...feeling empty like the apartment. I left my husband in September because I'm not in love with him anymore...don't love him...often don't even like him. I was only "free" for 2-1/2 months. I felt great, but felt so much guilt for splitting my family apart and "taking" my kids from their dad. My husband asked my son who he would rather live with and my son chose him. Nothing legal was done, no documents, no courts; I let my son make that choice because I felt like he had gone through it enough having his dad put him in that position...making a decision that should have been made between he and I and not a 12-year-old boy. Our son was struggling with the separation, which compounded my guilt and feelings of sadness. All it took was my husband texting me that our son "will never forgive you" and he was afraid "he's going to do something stupid if you don't come home soon." I did. I left my apartment early the next morning. Packed up our 4-year-old and most of our clothing and went back to the house. Here I am, now 3-1/2 months after making that choice, depressed and feeling like I made the worst move of my life most of the time. My husband "changed." He isn't controlling like he was, he is supportive of my relationship with my friends and my sister (my best friend of all), and he encourages me to visit with them...even supported my driving to the other side of the state to visit my sister. This is all pretty normal for most, but that has never been the case in our marriage. Now he's changed?? I'm not buying it, but I can't stand to hurt my son...or this man I married nearly 15 years ago if I'm being honest. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I'm hurting myself by allowing my guilt and this need to please others or to make sure they are happy above me. I feel so much resentment and anger that he bullied me the way he did. He is a bigtime emotional blackmailer and I fell for it -- hook, line and sinker! We kept up payments on the apartment lease so we wouldn't end up in collections and losing the deposit, and the end is here...Monday is the last day the apartment is "mine." I am so sad to say goodbye. It was my peaceful place, my place. Mine. I was free there. I had visitors, whenever I wanted, whomever I wanted. Now, though he's still putting on a nice face most of the time, I'm back where I was. He's already shown his true colors a few times, and he's somewhat worse now than he was before. I don't want to have sex with him, but I do occasionally because I don't want to hurt his feelings by letting him know I'm not attracted to him, nor interested in him sexually ... or in any way for that matter. I need to grow up...grow a pair. I need to do what makes ME happy, but I can't...not without hurting my son. :( I'm not looking for answers, just venting...trying not to cry. Thank you to anyone who reads this and has any kind words of encouragement...thanks for reading even if you don't.
I am so r elating to everything you have posted, although in my situation i am NOT leaving because it was my house before we got married, the relationship is similar. My kids are older than yours, but I still feel the guilt of taking the father figure they've had in their lives since they were toddlers away. I try to tell myself that they are old enough to continue a relationship on their own, but I still feel it. He is also very good at laying on the emotional blackmail. He tells me that I am taking everything away from him that he loves. Not true of course, if he chooses to leave the area thats a choice he's made, not me. I still find myself considering letting him stay in the house after the divorce because he says he cannot afford to stay in the state if I make him leave, ergo he'll lose everything. And, like you, I hate hurting others in a way that feels deliberate. We have not had a sexual relationship in over 5 years, and truthfully I am not interested in one. I feel as though life is too short to go through it being miserable. I also believe that staying together for the sake of the kids is misguided too. They are more aware of what's happening than you think, and the constant fighting and tension in the house is no better for them that parents being apart. Stay strong. If possible, find someone to talk to than can help you work through things with. I wish you luck.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement, frustratedmom. My husband argued that I should not leave and that we shouldn't get a divorce when I left him back in September because we don't fight. The truth is, I gave up. We used to argue a lot, and in front of the kids, but I was always wrong -- even when I wasn't. There was just no "winning," and who wants to fight and fight just to "win" an argument? Not me. Now that I'm back in the house, I'm not bending over backward as much to keep him happy. I do bite my tongue, A LOT, though, to avoid saying the hurtful things that I feel bubbling up and just itching to come out. Sigh. After I left him, he told me several times that I am cold hearted or that I have a black heart; I'm selfish; I'm hateful; I don't know how to love or appreciate his love ... I don't want all of that to be true. I asked HIM to marry ME and now I just want to throw it all away...but I'm not happy. Anyway...thank you again for the kind words. It's nice to know I'm not alone...