Lengthy post-- being raped and issues with trust

When I was 24 (4 years ago) I went out with an acquaintance-- we went to Chuck E. Cheese and played all the games like we were kids. He gave me his tickets so I had enough to get my Disney Princess Sticker Set. Then we went for frozen yogurt, and afterward he took me up to a neighboring town to show me where his favorite hangout spot was. It was a lot of fun, and I was genuinely having a good time. He asked me if I wanted to go out dancing later that night. I said yes. While out, we both got pretty drunk and made our way back to his house. I felt safe walking with him. I remember thinking he was such a gentleman.

When we arrived at his house we went into his room and put on a movie so we could watch something “while we sober up” he had said. I don’t remember any of the movie; instead, I remember his hands touching my body, my clothes coming off, and the feeling of him on top of me. I remember the color of his skin in the television lit room as he reached past me, the sound the creaky desk drawer made, and I remember the panic that set in when I felt pressure on my chest-- his hand was holding me down. He didn't shove me, he didn’t hit me, he just held me down firmly. It’s possible he may have covered my mouth or held me down by putting his hand around my throat-- I don’t know for sure, but I have this feeling that it happened... I can’t remember anything else about the night. I woke up when the sky was first getting light and took off.

I immediately struggled with my perception of “the incident.” Initially, I thought I was raped, but then I started to second-guess myself. He didn’t attack me, he didn’t physically abuse me, he didn’t drug me, he didn’t leave me stranded somewhere, he didn’t do any of those things you read about in the paper. I told two people. The first told me it wasn’t rape and I needed to be more careful how much I drink. The second sympathized but said, “You are hot and you were drunk, what else did you think was going to happen?” This same person also asked me, “Well, did you tell him no?” This question really bothered me.

I honestly don’t remember saying the word “no." Because I can’t remember that small detail I have taken the blame for the whole thing, pointed out all the places I was at fault, and I have subconsciously tried to convince myself it wasn't rape, that instead it was just me being drunk and stupid, or me being just some slut. I have told myself so many times, “If you said NO, he would have stopped, right?” But that’s just it… I don’t know if he would have stopped. Part of me wonders if he had the whole thing figured out ahead of time-- I wonder if he gained my trust with a “daytime date,” took me dancing, was a gentleman, and then raped me so non-violently when I was so drunk that it couldn’t be considered anything more than a guy and a girl hooking up after a night out. This, too, really disturbed me.

A counselor told me what he did, regardless of his agenda or what was going on in his mind, was considered rape-- he took advantage of the fact that I was drunk, and he held me down. She told me I didn't have to say no for that to be wrong. And since I have come to terms with the fact that it was rape, I have struggled with feeling unsafe around men, feeling unsafe in locations like bars, and feeling like I cannot trust guys. It's starting to become unbearable and it's affecting my everyday life. I don't look at men in the eyes or smile at them when they walk by and say hi. Even at work it’s hard for me to give a friendly smile or say more than the “Hi, how’s it going?” When men approach me and ask a question my immediate response is panic. When my male coworkers ask me if I want to join them out on a Saturday night I’m always wondering what they really want. It’s terrible, and I feel embarrassed for thinking those things especially because there are a lot of good people in this world. I guess what it boils down to is that I’m afraid another guy, someone who gains my trust or already has my trust, will do whatever he wants regardless of what I say--- I’m even afraid of consenting to sex with someone and then being physically forced to do a position or an act I don’t want to do. From here, the fears just continue to play out in every situation imaginable. Needless to say my social and romantic lives are a fragment of what they used to be and I'm miserable.

There is so much more, but I think this is a good place to start. Thank you for reading this.

sorry hun, i only got so far into your story. i feel for you. been there. different situation, of course. all i can say is it super sounds like rape. drunk or not. being forced to do something like that sure gives someone a skewed version of something that's supposed to be pleasure-able. i wish you the best, hopefully some sweet guy can break down your trust barrier. thats a wall that needs to be busted through if you want to feel normal again. the longer you take the thicker it could get. best of luck to you

atomic honkey

keep sharing if its helping you in your journey. i wish you the best. 8)

Thanks MissHeather, alot can be learned from your experience & I have faith that most of us can wise-up & be more aware in situation that we place ourselves in directly or indirectly. Take care of you & goodness how did you ever recover from this not that one ever forgets but learns how to live with, cause my 62yr.old sister never did even w/therapy off & on the past 25yrs.?

April

hon

yes i would say it was rape, i think u have done all the right steps. u have worked thru the pain and are fine with the past, good for u.

have u thought about taking a self defence class so u can empower u in any situation u feel uncomfortable with, it might take away the fear and irrational thoughts u have about things cos as u say there are a lot of good people in the world.

as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes

Thanks for your comments

Atomic, you are right, my barrier definitely needs to come down. I'm slowly working on it, mostly by keeping myself aware of my feelings in various situations. Awareness is huge for me, and once I realize how or why I react the way I do, I can hopefully begin to change.

April, I have not recovered from this event. I have only been able to accept it happened and only recently been able to talk about it and think about it with a clear head. I'm sorry to hear of your sister's experience. Each person is different and each scenario is different, and so I would just encourage you to keep asking what you can do to support her and ask her to be frank about what she needs. Maybe a new therapist, maybe a support group, etc. If one thing doesn't work, try another. But also remember that she may never be able to be "normal" again, and that needs to be OK too.

Domestic, I have not thought about a self defense class, although I have heard that it has been helpful in this situation. Good suggestion. And thanks for the positive vibes my way.

Yes I've learned we never forget but learn to live w/it so I let my sister keep talking about it, only when she feel like it & I'll always be there if & when she wants to talk more. All 3 of us (my sisters) we're molested so I understand.

Domestic, I took a self defense class in the late 70's & it does help to know certain areas of volunerability & is empowering =D

I'm very sorry, the truth is its a very violent world and only in the west we try to pretend its not. There are nice men out there, that really want companionship. However the world is savage and allot of men use women to different degrees, and porn is not helping anything. Trust takes time, time is the only test of a persons energy, or you can get very good at reading energy. Safe paths and keep positive. There are allot of good people, try Gigong and yoga and men that like being in nature. Thats my advice. Much love

i'm so sorry. i know personally how stupid it feels when people tell you they're sorry, but i am. and i want to thank you for sharing your story. i was raped three years ago, when i was seventeen, in a non-violent manner, and that always bothered me. i know that i said "no" repeatedly, but i was very drunk, and have always wondered if maybe my protests didn't sound serious enough. i was drunk, and with friends, and i remember laughing. i didn't think that he was serious at first, so i wasn't terribly forceful. maybe it didn't sound serious, and i know that i stopped trying at a certain point. i've always wondered if i let it happen. if it was my fault. if i was really raped, or if i had just been drunk and stupid. no matter what we can think, though, we know how we feel. we know that it wasn't right, and that we still don't feel right. what happened to you was wrong. i am deeply sorry for it. as far as feeling unsafe or panicked around men, i've learned to live with it, which sounds awful. i have a handful of male friends, whom i've known for years, and i trust them. other than that, horrible as it feels, maybe it's better that we have a certain level of awareness around men. i know that if i had been less comfortable around them before, i wouldn't be writing this long, rambling reply to your post. last year, i started dating a guy i had known since high school. i knew his history, and that he didn't have an unkind bone in his body. we have been together for ten months, and he treats me like a queen, and always respects that some things make me uncomfortable. he is very understanding when i say, "i don't want to do that," or, "i'm sorry baby, but not tonight." there are men who will do everything they can to keep you happy and comfortable. the only hard part is opening yourself up enough to find them, and that happens whenever you are ready.

Bloodredshoes, I am so happy to hear that you have found your way into a kind, respectful relationship. Thank you for sharing your story-- it sounds similar to mine in some respects, and it feels good to know that there are other people out there who have been in similar situations and are working through it, learning how to trust again, and learning how to have relationships. I'm so happy for you, and I'm glad to know recovery from this is possible.

If there are other people out there who have stories to tell, please create a new post and share. I'd love to hear what you have to say.

recovery is very possible. just remember that. when things are really hard (and i mean anything in life), never forget that you may not feel okay now, but you WILL.

I'm a guy. I have never been raped physically. But, I was deceived by a satanic cult leader(I did not know at the time). That was 8yrs. ago. Ever since then the shame, fear, depression, ocd, paranoia, anxiety that I experience is constant. I have intrusive thoughts that are horrific at times and are always different than what I want to think.

I read all of your post. I would say that it was rape as well. I have to ask myself these questions about what happened to me. Did you consent to talk with this man? Yes. Did you consent to spend time over the phone and internet? Yes. Did you listen and converse openly? Yes.

I now know that predators are crafty when using their tools to deceive and pray on unsuspecting victims. Satanic cults use mind control, hypnosis, and many other evil devices to gain control of others. Yes, I consented to talk, but I did not consent to spiritual rape.

I think that part of the deception of rape is that we blame ourselves and we want to believe the best of people and feel guilty for actually coming out and saying yes, that ******* raped me. It was not my fault, it was calculated and thought out and was done many times before I came on the scene thus giving this person the intelligence he needs to deceive and manipulate.

This is not your fault. Any man that prays on a women that has put her trust in him to the point of drinking with him because she knows he would not do that is a horrible guy. A gentleman would not have you in his bed in the first place. He should have put you to bed and slept on the couch. There would be no problem with you even thinking about rape if he was true gentleman.

Thank you for your male insight. I appreciate you sharing some of your story and relating it to mine.

akita

your comments are spot on :D

as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes

Yes, very well said Akita, I'm sure others will read this...... Take care

April

I am a rape survivor. 30 years ago when I was 19 I was waiting for a bus at 600 am when this guy came out of nowhere, pulled me into the bushes and raped me. Also a former boyfriend sodomized me as well. Since this happened I went through a brief period of promiscuity and spent most of my life in isolation from others. I fully believe that this incident contributed to my inability to form friendships and other emotional problems that I have had.I have survived 5 suicide attempts. Since that awful time I have since married a wonderful man and I am considering going back to therapy to address everything in my life that has happened. I know it is very tough, but eventually you will heal. Prayers to you.

Dianne, thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you for what you have experienced. I agree that these violations of safety and trust definitely contribute to the inability to form friendships and also romantic relationships. It’s a long process to get through the feelings and issues, and I support you going back to therapy. I hope you will continue to take advantage of these support forums.