Well if you've read any of my posts, you know that I am having a hard time letting go when it comes to my adult children. The younger one (age 20) in particular causes anxiety and panic in part due to a bad situation he got in a couple of years ago. It hit me hard and wham, panic and anxiety like I had never experienced.
Well there is a situation that he is ignoring right now, that he really should deal with as a responsible adult. I can either A - ignore the whole thing and let him experience the result of not dealing or B) prod him along until he deals or C) do it for him. I tend to go with B.
Problem is it drives me crazy in the meantime. This morning before I left the house, I gave him another reminder, then said 'don't come running to us when ____ happens'.
Therapist says I need to back off advice giving, my sis tends to encourage me to do what I think is right as I am still guiding/parenting. I don't know. I told someone today that giving that last minute reminder gave me some relief for the day. I wonder if that is what a cutter feels when they actually draw blood??? temporary relief until the issue of trigger returns.???
Well I'm feeling better today and for a longer period than usual. Wishing I knew why this kid triggers me more than the others, is it because he is my youngest and the whole letting go thing? Thanks for reading and listening!!!
I'm going w/A since I've dealt w/B for as long as I can recall & it never worked & as you mentioned wore me out more. I hear you as my youngest is 18 soon to be 19 & I really had to BACK OFF, which was a learning curve for me but too he is being held responsible for his decisions good, bad or indifferent.
Its hard to know where we fit in w/our older kids but I'm doing my best to let them figure it out UNLESS they ask for my opinion, otherwise I'd be doing them a dis-service.
All my strengths honey.
April (mom of 2 boys 18 & 26)
For this issue anyway, I am really trying to move on to A - ignoring it from here on in. Please keep sending me positive vibes to not give in. I will be ticking down to April 1st when he will put himself in another precarious situation if he doesn't resolve this first one.
So I'm starting to feel anxious again. Wanting to say to him, 'did you take care of yet?' But I'm not, I'm trying so hard to ignore it. It's his problem. But why does his lack of action to problem solve, eat ME alive? I start to think of all the repercussions and how they will affect ME. I'm hanging on, but it's hard. I find that the way to deal is to stay away, so I work late, do Church activities at night, and try to find things to get me out of the house on the weekends - I don't even enjoy being in my own home anymore. I used to love my house because I've spent a lot of years renovating and decorating - now I run away from it.
Am hopeful since your post you held yourself to a higher power & stood by & let it pass while you "White Knuckled" the urges & again, in time, it will teach him to be more independent & rely on himself & pay the price of NOT taking care of business. Do your best to notice the positive things he does instead of the lacking that our kids will do as that will help them to be proud of themselves eventually one day that they accomplished SOMETHING correctly for themselves & that builds character.
I get where your coming from & theres more days when I didnt want to be around any of them & thats normal, I can only think of when my grandson (now 1) gets older that my oldest son will reflect/recall & guide him to the best of his abilities instead of...............
My hats off to you, your doing a good job, hang in honey & we can run away together :)
I’ve tried so hard this past weekend. My husband is trying to help my son with something he needs to resolve. This morning when I left the house, I left a note for my husband with ‘just a suggestion’ because I saw a ‘hole’ in how it was going. Now I’m beating myself up that I should have stayed out of it. Of course I’m hopeful my suggestion will help, but now I’m thinking of all the ways that I made things worse.
Why do I let this get to me so much? I want to scream. I want to just fix everything. I remember a period in my life when I was single and very lonely. Now I find myself longing for those days because I only had myself to worry about.
Thanks for your words, April. I talked more with my therapist today. Trying to figure out why he causes the trigger of anxiety the way he does, what could be the worst that could happen if he doesn't 'take care of business' and if that worst does happen, how will I deal with it? We had an incident with him a couple of years ago when this all began with me. So in some ways, it's like a PTSD reaction now that things are moving forward. I have more work to do to figure that all out.
Thanks for reminding me to look at the good things, he does have some. He always says 'I love you', even in public!!!
Take care, Thea.
I'd love to hear of other success stories of letting go, of clingy kids who, like it or not, had to become adults...
April first will be a signifcant day for my latest trigger to anxiety. Something (to be responsible) that my son MUST do. I am counting down to April 1st, but so far, my anxiety is not rising. I DO NEED to keep posting/venting here because it makes me feel like I can do it. What I need to do, is STAY OUT OF IT, because it is not my issue. I also pray alot. 'Lord, it is SO hard to let go, I turn this issue over to you. Whatever happens to my son, I turn that over to you as well. Please give me the strengh to know that I am STILL a good mom, and even a BETTER mom, if I stay out of it' Amen
HI. I'M NEW TO THE GROUP BUT CERTAINLY UNERSTAND ALL OF YOUR ANXIETY. MY SON IS 21 ALMOST 22 AND I STILL CANT SLEEP AT NIGHT WHEN HE'S NOT HOME DUE TO THE POOR CHOICES HE'S MADE IN THE PAST AND HIS FUTURE NOT SEEMING TO MATTER TO MUCH TO HIM. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A NAG AND ALL WE DO IS FIGHT ANYTIME I SAY ANYTHING. SOMETIMES I WONDER IF IT WOULD BE EASIER TO MAKE HIM MOVE OUT SO I DON'T HAVE TO WATCH OVER HIM SO MUCH AND BEING CONSTANTLY ALWAYSWORRYING!
KJ - I know about watching someone you love make poor choices. It isn’t easy. In the instance of being out late, etc., I find that the worrying is less each time he walks back home. It’s like ‘OK i now know that he can go out and come home unharmed’. Its the day to day decisions, or lack there of that get me hung up. Let’s support each other, OK?
hello everyone, i am new to the group and i am experiencing some anxiety as i begin the descent of my vacation and face returning home after 10 days. i have two mentally ill sons, that require alot of support. i have tried the mental health group but it is not active and there are not very many parents.i am not a well woman and need to be sure that in between caring for my sons and my head injured hubby, i care enough for me so that i am not getting ill from caring for them. also i realized that talking to my mom about their shenanaghans makes her stressed out too she is 83 years old.the best thing i can come up with is to make sure i take my walk once or twice a day, except i hear it's really rainy back home right now and that's not condusive to walking.anyone got help for me? and thanks for reading my post.
Hi, I think that the National Alliace for the Mentally Ill or NAMI has suppport groups for family members. Can you google them or maybe someone here knows how to contact them. YOu have a lot on you plate, so yes please keep taking time out for yourself. It’s so important.
I've tried so hard this past weekend. My husband is trying to help my son with something he needs to resolve. This morning when I left the house, I left a note for my husband with 'just a suggestion' because I saw a 'hole' in how it was going. Now I'm beating myself up that I should have stayed out of it. Of course I'm hopeful my suggestion will help, but now I'm thinking of all the ways that I made things worse.
Why do I let this get to me so much? I want to scream. I want to just fix everything. I remember a period in my life when I was single and very lonely. Now I find myself longing for those days because I only had myself to worry about.
BOY, OH BOY.....I hear you loud & clear on that thought. I notice somedays as I do MY best to "stay out it" I get a little lonely now w/no one to talk to, but again their getting older & thats what life is about huh.
It is hard to stop "fixing" everything so I had to start w/small things then over a 2yr. period build up to bigger issues & it got easier & easier as I stayed consistent w/myself & for him to grow up & learn, of course I just this minute had to go into the kitchen cause he was going to burn it down making PANCAKES UGH!!!!!! They were pretty good too :/
It's true about starting with small things. It's not like I'm trying do or fix everything. I know I have to back out and let him learn. That's why I'm tired of beating myself up for when I do get involved. I just feel so torn at times because sometimes my son wants me to do more, my husband thinks I should do less and I try to find some middle ground of what i feel 'right' about doing or not doing. Therein lies the anxiety. Didn't have this turmoil with my older son. Funny how they can be so different.
I'm new to this forum. My children are older, 44, 41 and 39. If you don't get control of the situation now, while they are still young, you will be dealing with it when you are my age, 67. Having grandchildren involved makes it a lot harder. If I don't take care of things my grandchildren will suffer. It would be a lot easier for me to let go of my children and let them suffer the consequences if there were not little children involved, although the grands are getting older now so it is a little easier. But I didn't do them any favors by taking such "good care" of them. It has made them unable to be the adults they could be. All of you are brave for facing your problems now!
Interesting perspective Junebug. I'm 51 and I DO NOT want to be dealing in my 60's or when they have kids of their own (other than to babysit on occasion). So this was almost like a 'scared straight' type of awareness for me. I feel like I know what things I should stay on top of with them in order for them to grow into responsible adults, and what things to stay out of. There can be such a fine line, or gray area between the two, however. Thanks for this response and good luck with getting on with your life. Thea
I should add that I think as we are living our lives day to day we don't recognize the severety of what's going on. Plus we always think it is temporary. I was good at imitating Scarlett O'Hara -- I'll think about that tomorrow. Bad thing is that eventually there aren't many more tomorrows. I'd like to leave my family better than it has been in the past when I'm gone. I am reading "Codependent No More" and it is beginning to sink in.
Hi Junebug, sounds like an interesting book. I'm sure that there are many things that make your family better as a result of you having been in their lives!!! One thing I am working hard is to stop beating myself up over what I did too much of or should have done less of. We can't change the past, but we can learn from it and move forward. We will still make mistakes as we move forward, but we are human. The fact of the matter is, there IS a larger influnece on all of our lives and there IS a plan for all of our lives. If only we could give it all over to HIM, perhaps we can let go of trying to fix ourselves. Wow, if only I could internalize all of this.....
How true about internalizing it. Its so easy to read words but having them sink into our intelligence in the right way sometimes takes time and re-enforcement. I appreciate your input!