Licence

Ok I know it's sad but I don't have drivers license. Didn't bother me so bad till one of the rangers I used to teach was called into drive some of us to camp. He is 18. So he is on his p plates my lil brother also 18 says his comments wernt a crack at me for not having it yet just more that didn't understand why. I turn 27 this year n I'm still on learners but you know when most Ppl itch to get license at 16/17 yrs I didn't know if I was going to be alive the next week. Plus the panic attacks I started having but didn't understand Wat was made it hard to even think about a license. I mean if I'm dead next week why bother with license. Then the years to follow panic attacks that left me shattered paralysed n disconneceted from my surroundings how could I even think of it. Plus preferred to walk n catch public transport. Even now it's a secondary thought. I'm closer now but the pain and panic or anxiety I feel it's hard to relax enough to get too many lessons. I mean I get home from **** day at work then bad night at rangers including the young man making comments n one strong drink n a numb face later many tears n trying go pull it together later. I'm barely in one piece. it's nearly midnight I got home at 10 from the volunteer job do Tuesday nights. The only thing that made me feel giving something to world. It's like scouts but it's called police rangers n we teach navigation first aid drill radio communication camping etc to high school students on e week. We have camp next week. That's where one of my previous rangers has to drive me (someone supposed to be together enough to have license)to a camp I'm supposed to be leading with my dad. We run it together. My bf told me it's not such big deal n I felt bad for telling him dispite that it was really hard to keep in with tears coming out cause as he said he is a year older n doesn't have license. Two of his friends don't either. But their reason arnt being screwed up. Not having a license is by choice not getting around to it. Me it a reminder of how screwed up am cause of trauma as kid before even fully raped twice as adult. The nightmares grew up with. Also dad brought stuff had in car sold to lil sister. She can't drive but she'll get l soon n want her to have car to practice in plus my cAr at pArents place n I don't live with them anymore . Couldn't use it but still paying rego n insurance. But couldnt drive it. Dad finally got my last few things out of back.in it was snowy my fab stuffed friend a snow dog. I'd put at my head at night as kid to keep nightmares away. I told bf at night n he said we'll keep in our room. He knows started having nightmares everynight again. It's nice to have childhood friends esp when things been so hard. Even if they are stuffed dog n rabbit. I don't care they were there when I needed them when even my friends abandoned or abused me or used me.

all that matters is what you want i have a friend who is 25 and she just got her license. dont worry bout other people worry only bout you k.