Life - Great Potential, But Feel Wrong Inside

am a mid 20s, mildly attractive gay guy who has a very nice family (with their frustrations of course), an education, and a job that I don't mind going to. Something in life just does not seem right.

I understand that life goes through dry spells where there isn't much excitement or stimulating change. Whenever these moments appear for me I tend to start feeling very depressed about myself and who I am as a person. I start to feel like I don't have quality in my friendships, That I am at a dead end early in life with my career, and as if I am never going to be successful in finding that special someone with whom to share my life.

I am super sensitive about friendships. I feel like friends should have a glue tight bond and that not only should they share great experiences but also share a lot of time together too. I haven't had much success with many close friendships. Two or three people stick out that I have been very close with over the years. One of these people is someone that I just recently became close to. He has a boyfriend that I believe has some jealousy issue over me. This being the case I haven't been invited around much lately. My other very close friend just got into a serious relationship making him unavailable these days. The other person was super close to me a few years ago...we ended up dating and quickly breaking up...that relationship dissolved. Painful.

I'm a friendly person but I have lots insecurities. For some reason I tend to feel like people don't want to be around me. Realistically, I don't think that is true, But it's what my mind tells itself. I believe this stems from my high school years when people made fun of me so badly. I had very few friends and was taunted for being gay.

I like conversations and I like being with people. I am not a dramatic gay person or someone that is very over-the-top flamboyant. I am your everyday gay guy. Then comes Saturday night and I'm sitting at home alone. Why?? I suppose I could pick myself up and go out to one of the gay clubs and have a drink alone, but then you feel some upset feelings about yourself for being out in nightlife solo. Totally my emotional insecurities. I know.

Dating wise -- I've been pretty unsuccessful. I've had two boyfriends in the past six years. I really feel more complete when I'm with somebody. I am not the person that has to have someone... I would never let some one control me like that. However I feel like I am better and more emotionally grounded when that special person is in my life. For a while my "looks standards" were very high. I've become more realistic about that. I can't waver on education or good goals with the person I'm looking to date, though. I want it to be somebody I can be proud of and who can make me a better person, as well.

There aren't any gay dating groups or gay speed dating events in my city (Orlando). It seems like the only outlet for meeting guys is online dating, at a club (Being that is one of the only few things to do on the weekend), or via mutual connections... that hasn't seemed to pan out.

Work life. I went to school for my degree in communications. I started working with actors which was a passion. Basically managing them and other types of talent for work opportunities. Plain and simple, the industry here is getting worse and worse. I have the opportunity to become the director of my company in the next eight months or so. With that will apparently come more money and a lot more responsibility. For the past year I worked at my job tirelessly. Hours and hours on end at the office. But then I started asking myself "why"? There is so much against me in our market. The rates of pay that we get our actors are falling. I thought to myself for a while that it would be a great idea to take over the business and then expand it into another part of the country. But recently I've been asking myself if that is realistic, or if that is just a nice thought. Expansions cost lots of money and so many new business ventures don't pan out.

I went to New York City for about a year to work in my industry up there. Tons more opportunity!! Even with three years of experience doing what I had been doing with actors I couldn't get a job that paid hardly anything. They wanted me to backtrack and be an assistant for an indefinite period of time. The city was also very lonesome.

After New York I came back here to Orlando area. I began applying for jobs outside my industry. Nothing ever hit. I must've applied for 30 jobs. Was trying to stick inside of communications, events, human resources/staffing. Even though I have managed projects, managed people, and slaved over my work, I was not able to get any interviews or interest. I am the type of worker that is a tireless worker. I want to be doing something that is competitive where I can really show off my skill and drive. I'm a true asset. Very assured in this area. How are you supposed to career change without backtracking and starting at a low-level position?

I thought about perhaps making another move in a year or so to a city like Chicago, Atlanta, or Seattle. My mind wonders though if another move is like running away from problems and expecting something to change.

These are all things that I'm constantly facing. I am well aware that they are seemingly petty "problems" compared to many other people's. Still, they are real to me and they are making me feel pretty upset inside. The tendency for me is to think, when I become upset inside, that I am having only mild "situational" depression. These times in life come with frequency, though. I don't want to be the person that medicates for no reason, but I wonder if I am someone who might need an antidepressant. Very unsure of how to go about checking that out medically.

When I examine myself I feel like I am not the person that should be living life with so much anxiety and depressive feeling over relationships or work. I am upbeat, creative, motivated. What is going on with me?

Has any of your family members been supportive of you through all of this? Do you have any other outlet to express your frustration of living an unfulfilling life? I can relate to your story. I'm in my mid 30's still single and basically I don't have any friends since moving to a rural area. I work for my father helping him with his business. I made the sacrifice to receive low pay which could be consider in the poverty levels. In return I get free rent, food, utilities, cable, ect. After awhile it was not an issue for me. But for the last five years or so I feel it's beginning to affect the way I do my job. I don't have a social life due to not having a car (not enough money to buy one). I've been having work relation problems with my father for the past seven years due to miscommunication between him and me. When he gets upset with me he gives me the cold shoulder. Behind my back I heard him say things that really hurt my feelings. One time he told my mom the reason I'm still single is I'm gay. Which is not the case! He fired me once and said no one will hire me if I leave this place! I've never had a strong personal relationship with him because he was always working and providing for the family. He's a military guy who seems to be set in his ways. When he's calm and happy he is the most fun loving person you want to be around. If I do something wrong to upset him it's better to turn around and head for the exit! It's the reason why I'm not close to him. All of these issues have taken a toll on the way I function in life. I'm beginning to think the problem lies with me. I try improving my communication but sometimes I keep silent or don't say anything. What is wrong with me?!? Why can't I communicate better with my family? I constantly ask myself that question lingering in my mind. I've been depressed on and off for the last 20 years. I never taken antidepressants. I'm very stubborn telling myself with time it will go away. I guess I was wrong! I committed suicide one time by downing a whole bottle of pills. I wound up with poisoning instead. I contemplated many times about ending my life. I felt there was no motivation, purpose or desire to continue living. If I quit my job today then who would hire me? I don't have a college degree or possess special skills to attract a potential employer. I felt worthless and incompetent. There is so much turmoil and torture boiling inside of me I wonder why I'm still breathing. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

I'd love some other feedback on this if anyone has it to give.

Don't give up! Many people in their 20s have great potential, and are having a difficult time finding a job or purpose as well, and having a difficult time finding the right person, regardless of sexual orientation. I moved around a lot, and I've been living in florida for 4 years now and am finally starting to feel comfortable here. How long have you been in orlando for? It takes a long time to settle in to a place, and find your spot. Keep going, don't give up yet. You have a lot going for you.

And on the topic of depression medicine, I only started taking medicine about a week ago, and have been dealing with depression for years. If you can, go to a dr and share with them exactly what you said here, that you feel you have situational depression and that you do not want to medicate for no reason. Let them know you are not there just for a prescription, but share your concerns with them. They may be able to help you find the best solution, whether it be medication or an alternative.