Life is crap. I feel mutinous. I have done well in the past

Life is crap. I feel mutinous. I have done well in the past two weeks getting off of porn and indulging in sexual thoughts, but this weekend was a sh*t show. I spent time with my extended family; I have severe problems with incestual thoughts. My therapist said I should avoid physical contact with my family for now, but I didn't think I could avoid it. I eventually hugged several people and kissed one just because it seemed like that was what was expected. Some relatives were elderly. That night, after I cooled down, after I thought I cleared my head and distracted myself from the events.
Then I had a wet dream and all was lost. The significance is I thought my feelings about my family contributed to it; the dream itself involved an unrelated woman, however. I lost a lot of sleep that night and remain very cranky to this moment. Do intentions matter anymore? Am I doomed to this lifestyle for no other reason that the universe sucks and nobody could responsibly watch over me when I found porn at 12?

Try to reframe, I wasn't cared for as I should have been as a child, but as an adult I am caring for myself. I didn't have therapy as a child, but I am making that a priority as an adult. Life isn't always fair or good, but we have the tools and a lot more control as an adult to heal the pain of whatever our childhood threw our way.

2 Hearts

Is faith something you are open to? Getting God's help? I am not assuming anything, I am asking. But the universe can't explain anything nor solve anything, and it will be helpful to not look to assign blame. Looking ahead, there is a light that you can follow if you are willing.

1 Heart

@YesToTheTruth Thank you for responding. I am not open to faith, but I would like to stop thinking about blame and the universe being out to get me.