I used to be so frustrated in my classes at the gym when the instructor constantly told us to "listen to our bodies"... Like I had ANY clue HOW to do that! I was starving myself, and desperately trying to work off any errant calorie I had consumed. My life was consumed by trying to BLOCK OUT whatever my body had to say!
Today things are different... I went to Step class this morning, and I listened... I am terribly frustrated by feeling like my post-surgery post-recovery time-off progress is soooo slooooow... I feel like I should be BACK by now!! And while I know the steps, my body can't keep up with the pace. And that FRUSTRATES me!!!! I'm LISTENING!! I took walking breaks! I took easier options! I even quit early!!! But AAAAARRRRRGGGGG I HATE doing that!!! :(
I'm doing it... I'm really DOING what I need to do... I'm doing only what my body is ready for. I'm listening to my hunger and satiety cues with greater confidence. I'm taking on new challenges... This week? I have agreed with my nutritionist's suggestion to actually COOK a MEAL! LOL! Ack! The anxiety!!! :P I just... I wish that learning to listen was the hard part... But it's not... Although that was extremely difficult to learn to do, the hard part, I'm finding, is being OKAY with listening to my body... There is so much in me that wants to CONTROL everything... And it feels very uncomfortable to push control AWAY...
jen do you know i try to listen to my body and i still get freakin confused? yesterday for example, i was like--am i hungry or not, hungryor not, awwwwwww.
you know i was trying soooooooooo hard to listen to my body and i was soooo sad i couldnt figure it out!!!!
i feel kinda bad for that like how come i still dont know how to listen to what my body has to tell me? i love that i value what my body wants now( as i never did with anorexia) but now i cant figure out what it wants when i ask my body what it wants...
i guess it takes time.. to listen to your body's cues and know them....
im glad you are doing well with yours, and no, you cannot push your self too hard jen....
i was sooo sick 2 months ago and i still am feeling the affect of that in my work outs... we have to take it s-l-o-w-l-y.
your doing great and congrats on the cooking!!
love ya girl!!!!
Hey, a suggestion my nutritionist made helps me quite often... She said if I'm ever confused by whether I'm feeling actual hunger or emotional hunger, to ask myself if an apple sounds good. She said if your body is actually hungry, you'll want the apple. If you're just feeling emotional, you'll probably be craving something else. Simplistic, eh?? But it WORKS! LOL! :) Last night? I felt the same... Decided I must actually be hungry, so I ate a protein bar... Physically I felt sooo much better! Learning to listen IS hard! But man, it's the emotional stuff that is so much harder for me... Like being okay with the protein bar... I have absolutely NO idea of my calorie totals for yesterday, so I can't look back and say I had too much... I KNOW I gave my body just what it needed. Sigh... It's more difficult than it "should" be, huh?? :P
ugh yesterday i sooo did not know what my caloric total was…at all. and i felt like i was ok—but then at the end of the night was hungry --and that was 11:00 PM! i was like arghhhhhh! i thought i was ok with what i ate and then i realized i was not ok! arghhhh! this is sooo confusing and then there are the foods that dont have calorie numbers! what do i do with them? and how do i know i am getting in what i need? ughhh… i thought i had listened to my body but instead i actually needed more than i had thought.
this is hard…
i guess this all takes time as it is a journey to figure out our bodies!!!
Jen, it is quite frustrating...I am at the point like you described in your first post where I dont listen to my body during work outs/when hungry, i still mainly listen to ED. While the thought of trusting my own hunger cues and when my body needs a rest scares the crap outta me, I know it needs to be done and I need too/will get there eventually <3
Jen you are doing n awesome job! Keep up the good work. It is so frustrating, I totally understand. I am at the point where I work out and then feel myself getting obcessed again and planning every workout for the next 10 years! lol Its so crazy how our eds can take over our whole beings. Listening to your body will get easier and you are working so hard and are doing a great job! way to go Jen! Nicole
sky-writer, jen....
your post is anything but a rant. :) insightful, personal, and darling :)
i love when you share. you have learned so much and you share so poetically with us.
i would love to write more, but i am super sleepy- busy day today. more later, honey!
namaste
xoxo
Yes, you WILL get there, too. :) Hang in!! Ups and downs are part of the experience... :P
Nicole,
Thank you! :) Yes, I'm sure listening to one's body is something like muscle memory... It takes time to learn to do it, time to learn to ACCEPT it, and then with practice and patience it becomes easier... At least... That's my HOPE! ♥
Amy,
Thank you for always seeing the poetic and useful in my rantings. ;0) Haven't shared in a while... Have felt like writing, but I couldn't really wrap my brain around a particular topic, you know? Swirling masses of busyness can be very distracting. ;0)
You post exactly my thoughts this past week and its been a frustrating one.... So when i read your post this morning i felt relieved (please dont take that wrong, i am in no way happy you are feeling this way, it just made me realise that it is ok)
I too am learning to listen to my body and i too am finding it frustrating as the hard part as you say is not so much the listening to it but the being OKAY with it. The urges to just take control over things and make them move my way can drive me nuts at times and the frustration has been boiling inside me this week to the point where i was reduced to tears on Thursday unsure as to what i actually want from myself. I mean i am recovered so whats my problem????
I guess thats the new struggle that comes with recovery...Learning to listen and to be ok with the fact that your bodys need may not always be what you expect them to be...
It's true... There is comfort to be found in shared feelings and experiences. ♥ No offense taken, I assure you. I'm glad you were able to connect at a time when you so needed to do so. Recovery isn't linear, nor is it clear and/or easy to see... It jumps all over the place, and sometimes seems unrecognizable.
I'm sad this morning... I don't KNOW why... Just SAD... I feel like crying. But I can't point at the cause. I feel overwhelmed with expectations on me, and this pressing feeling that I am doomed to FAIL at life... I thought things were supposed to get BETTER in recovery... And they HAVE, REALLY... I guess... I just want to STOP feeling BAD... And that is an unrealistic expectation. :P
I want to stop feeling BAD too!!!! I find the past little while I have been feeling really bad. Don't know why???? And then I feel worse because I don't know why or how to get out of the funk.
I sooooo badly want to go run and not stop for a very long time yet I can't do that right now because of my car accident. Then I want to not eat at all but also cannot do that because I have a husband who won't let me even more, I have 3 children that need me to be there for them. AAAAHHHH!!!!!!! I don't know what to do.
I am sooo happy that you are able to listen to your body. I think I do but like Maureen pointed out I don't know if I feed it exactly what it needs.
You know I don't know exactly how my ED all started I was so chaotic in my eating since I was 8-10 years old. I do know that it was while in university that I became truely anorexic and then bulemic. It seemed to take over my life rather easily, unfortunately it is not as easy to say good bye to it. I am tired of it yet can't seem to rid myself of it for good. Is that a sign of weakness, or lack of willpower??????
Jen,
Just getting caught up with this....as always, I love reading your posts!
I like the idea that your nutritionist shared about the apple.
It does take time to 'hear' what our bodies are telling us, and then there is the issue of accepting what it tells us and acting on it. You are moving forward dear.....consistently.
I am sorry you are feeling sadness. The fact that you feel it is good, even if it doesn't feel good. You know?
If you need to cry, please allow yourself to..even if you can't identify what the tears are about. Holding them in will serve no good purpose!
Love to you friend...HUGS...Jan ♥
I can totally understand what you mean when you say you are feeling sad. I get it, i do, hence my tearful breakdown this weak. Im still not a hundred percent but im feeling better. It does get better i really does. Recovery, as life does, comes with its ups and its downs but as long as we keep at it we will be fine.....And like Jan says, that fact thagt you feel (good or bad) is good. Its all part of life. And as i am learning nobody goes through life without their own struggles. I do believe we will be fine in the end though :)
For so many of us with eating disorders, we began with disordered eating in our backgrounds... It's hard to identify when we learned to turn our eating habits into coping strategies... Being tired of the pain is a GOOD sign, and NOT a sign of weakness. And there is NOTHING about recovery that has to do with will power. ♥ For me, I had to continually hit points of desperation when living with my ED was so incredibly painful that I was willing to TRY to live without it... :0/ No... It's NOT easy... But it IS worth the battle. ♥
Jan,
Thank you, as always, my friend. :) I hope you had a great time last night. :) I did not cry... As I was typing those words, a couple of coworkers came in with a project for me to help with. And then I spent the afternoon and evening with my parents. The distraction has felt good... ♥ I have been saving up my "extra hour" for a little extra SLEEP tonight. LOL! Hopefully that will help. :)
Andrea,
I know you're right... Everything comes with its ups and downs, including recovery... Just in a bit of a low mood, I suppose... Yes, we will ALL be okay in the end. ♥
Jen,
I hope you were able to capture that hour and benefit from the extra rest ♥
Yes, life is full of ups and downs, and it's not easy when you begin to feel the emotions again. But it's better in the long run, and the intensity will decrease over time.
I hope your week begins on a great note!! HUGS...Jan ♥
Got that extra hour! And another! OOPS!!! My alarm failed to go off this morning... Wonder if I hit the volume somehow when I was changing the time last night?? :P Anyway, I always give myself plenty of time in the morning, so I'm fine... It's just eating into my site-time this morning. :0/ Still, I'm well rested! ♥
Have a great Monday, friend! :) Enjoy your group!! :)