Living or dying

i have not been feeling

my body goes crazy

head aches, too many thoughts
fingers numb, not feeling
vision estranged, not seeing
my pulse is shallow, cause my heart is dying
hardly breathing, the last breath is close

weak, exhausted, hopeless

now my body is talking

still the battle
staying awake or sleeping
living or dying

will i learn?
will i listen?
to whom?

living or dying

Maedi, this is a poignant piece. I'm glad you posted something...I'm worried about you...when do you go to treatment?

Maedi I'm concerned also, hows the quest for treatment going? Any progress?

maedi --although i love this piece, im worried for YOU.

can you show this to a professional????

you need to talk to someone on how you feel

love
maureen

thanks ladies.
this was the first time ever wrote anything like this. and the first time i felt this way. it wasn't just a normal panic attack, but my body was behaving so oddly. was really scary.

i had a psychological assessment today as evidence for my insurance that i do need IP. i was then as well diagnosed with borderline. great. and i think i came out of it feeling totally overwhelmed. tearing it all open and then not patching it up but going home bleeding on your own really.
and it all bubbled over then, even physically. the worst is, whereas this was really scary, i still tend towards the just sleeping forever.

maedi :(

Maedi, I'm so sorry for what you're going through...
You can message me anytime you know

thank you chelsea. i really appreciate it. so much for you being selfish, hmmm!?
why is it so hard to simply appreciate life? why do we need to accept ourselves in order to enjoy whats out there? it's all so frustrating.

Firstly, I am so proud of you for posting...

Secondly...in response to your final questions...will I learn? Will I listen? YES...TO YOURSELF...search deep within...find MAEDI! And as soon as you've found her...don't let her go - a beautiful new beginning where you can open your eyes and say: I'm so proud of myself - I'm so proud that I got through the struggle to reach my new start...my new life. I believe in you with all my heart Maedi.

Call me anytime.

xx

thanks honey! thanks so much for believing.

i think im very scared of what i might find within me, that i might hate it as much as the outside or that it would all be too much to bear. i don't even understand why everything seems so painful and overwhelming.
the unknown is definitely scary...

I am also scared of what I might find within me...in fact, I was thinking of this earlier today. I started to feel a little bad inside because I suddenly realised that for most of my life, I've done almost anything in my power to NOT look within me and learn about who I am. Then, I realised something - the way we think of ourselves is changeable...it's not who we are but HOW WE THINK of who we are which makes us who we are (seems like a bit of a riddle but if you think about it, it can only be true). If we can find the ability to see ourselves with the right glasses on, we can be who and how we would like to be....we do not need to be managed by our emotions but to manage our emotions - to know that nothing is 'fixed' - how I used to think of myself by no means needs to be how I think of myself today.

must go back to work now. Have a lovely day. Sending you LOTS of positive energy and strength - I know you can do this and trust me...it feels A LOT better than in that bulimic prison we've spoken about!...I can now clearly see that it's a 'false' comfort zone...the real comfort is so much nicer :)

XX

that made me smile :-)
im so glad you found that real comfort. so hold on to it tightly!!
you are completely right that it's all about how we think of ourselves. so we really gotta learn how to change those thoughts. even while writing this i feel the reluctance to commit to it. but it's necessary, i know.

thanks all of you!
love and hugs

thinking of you Maedi!

Maedi love this is worrying to all of us. You've given amazing support and have personally helped all of us. I know it's hard to but help yourself!! It's hard to see you like this I really want you to do well in recovery. Lets do this together and be there for each other every step of the way. We can do this, don't think things have turned for the worst. If your body is behaving in extreme measures, call your doctor...or someone who knows about your ED to get medical advice. I would die inside even more than I am dead now if anything happened to you...or anyone here. You all mean so much to me. BE WELL. <333

sonrisas and lost, thank you so much for caring!!

ive spoken to my best friend about that night and generally my anxiety. she is a psychiatrist and both her and my mom (nurse) recommended Tavor, and instant release anxiety pill which can help you get out of the worse panic attacks. so my mom keeps them for me and if i feel like this again i can try taking one.

otherwise, i know i'm getting weaker cause i have been losing a bit of weight. nothing drastic but i guess enough to feed ED to keep moving down that path.

i hate ED, i hate having these arguments between the devil and angel on ma shoulders. isnt it exhausting to constantly battle?

how do you lovelies keep your strength and motivation everyday??

i really dont know what id do without y'all!

thanks ever so much!