Long time no post

Mental Health Loneliness
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I have kept myself really busy these last few months and I apologize for not being around as much as I used to be, and for not being as responsive as I usually am. I know that people come and go on this site pretty frequently, but I still feel a little bad when I can’t be part of this community as consistently as I would like. I have met such great people on this site.

I finally just got help at work so not every day is a 12-hour day for me anymore. Its hard to find it in you to write anything (at least anything coherent) when your job ties you to a computer for entire days at a time and your only free moments fall between the hours of 9 PM and 9 AM. Its been since May that I have been working that schedule, and its nice to have help again. The person they hired is young, perky, and excited–something that I used to be.

Free time actually feels weird now. I am so programmed to be attached to the system they use at work all day every day that I have had to stop myself from logging in and looking at it out of sheer force of habit. When did I become so indoctrinated into the mindlessness of this job?

Still, I am feeling “okay” lately. I can’t really say that I am happy or anything like that, but I don’t feel any other emotions either–so I will take that as a win. Maybe I have just numbed myself out though…

I do know that I am changing. Things and people that used to matter to me no longer do, my job used to be my biggest motivator because I wanted to exceed and to be really good at it (because its all I had to claim as an accomplishment), but I have come to realize that even that no longer serves me.

I guess you could say that I am in a little bit of a rut. I am going to be 40-years old in April, and I still don’t know what I am supposed to be doing in this life any more than I did when I was 18-years old. I am not sad that I am single, or that I have chosen the path that I chose…

…I just wonder if maybe I missed something along the way and was meant for more.

I have spent years being hopelessly in love with this one guy who is a friend of mine. Hoping that one day he would just “see” me, but he never has. He never will. Even the joy I used to find in our friendship has faded down for me lately, because its finally set in that I am never going to be enough for him no matter how great I am. Now that I think about it that makes me a little sad, but that seems to be the underlying theme of my entire love life thus so far. If I even am an option its never the first one.

Maybe I did something in my last life to warrant that? I have always thought the worst punishment a person could receive cosmically is to know what love is, to feel it and be in it, but yet to never have it reciprocated. It would be a life of constant heartbreak and disappointment. I guess that’s why love is so valuable though, because not everyone finds it.

This is in no way meant to be a “poor me” post by the way, this is just me releasing some of the things my mind has been harboring these past few months. I know that I have all the answers somewhere inside me, but I am always happy to get feedback from the people on this site-- even if its just that I am not alone.

Anyways, I should start getting ready for bed soon. Just wanted to check in. Hope you all are well.

4 Hearts
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Interesting to read this immediately after a post I just wrote about loving someone.
I was just feeling the same way about being punished in this life because I must have been an awful person in my relationships during a previous life.
Thank you for your post. It really hit home

1 Heart
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I’m not trying to make light of your situation, but just as another point of view…

I think some people fall in love with something that isn’t reality. They are attracted to someone, and they fill in the blanks from there. And those blanks are filled in with whatever they desire. Since what you know about people without a more in depth relationship is limited, they never find out anything they don’t like.

In short, it’s living a fantasy of what you think that person could be. What if the reality is that they would be non attentive, abusive, controlling, emotionally detached, needy… the list goes on and on.

Wanting is one thing, but wanting isn’t always the reality. Maybe whatever karma or whatever else you want to call it is guiding you away from a potential train wreck.

1 Heart
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Hugs :heart: im glad you can write your feelings here. Understanding on your work schedule. Hope you find a person that loves you.

1 Heart
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Glad to know you are coming back. Thanks for sharing. I’m turning 38 and I still do not know exactly what I want or what I’m great at.

It helps to focus on things you enjoy and that you have a knack for.

1 Heart
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Thank you, that is very sweet of you to say.

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You make a valid point and in my case you might be right. My friend is really kind of a pain in the @$$.

He really is a kind person, don’t get me wrong, but he is also a pretty selfish person. He doesn’t like complication and he doesn’t like having to spend his time doing anything other than the few things he does likes doing. He feels like if he dates someone he would have to compromise that and he’s just no willing to.

I like to think that I understand him well enough to work around that and to be able to find happiness with him, but maybe I would be miserable because at the end of the day I’d probably be like 10th down on his priority list and I know that’s never going to leave me feeling good.

I really did feel a connection with him though. I think I just misinterpreted it.

8

I hope you figure it out to. Statistically one of us has to, right?

1 Heart
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Both of us should. What changes is when do we find out. Some people are very lucky and know from a very young age what they’ll love doing for the rest of their lives. Others, the majority, spends their life looking for that. Even when you find the things you like you feel doubts every once in a while.

What matters here is to enjoy what you have and do now. To enjoy it as much as you can. It doesn’t matter what we do there is something about it that can help you feel fulfilled.

I know it is cheesy, but there is always something you can find. :heart:

Enjoy now, and the rest will come!