Looking for some help

Hi. I'm 20 years old, I live in New Jersey and I am the victim of verbal abuse from my father. I only live with my parents during the summer and when I'm off from school. For most of the year I dorm. My father is an extremely demanding and controlling individual. He harasses my mother, my brother, and my myself. He makes us feel worthless and brings upon anxiety among all of us. The only time that I feel free within my house is when he is at work. When he's home, everyone in my house is fearful of him. He wants us to respect him, but he just ignites great amounts of fear. I experience breakdowns and I starve myself because I am in such anxiety over what he does and what he says. My boyfriend is the bright spot in my life. He is extremely supportive and is willing to listen when I need someone to talk to. My mom defends my brother and I when my father begins his abuses towards us. I want her and myself to stand up for ourselves but our voices are not heard at all, which adds to my frustrations. I'm sick of being verbally abused by my father.

GOOD FOR YOU, it is sooooo refreshing to know that younger women out there in the world are finally realizing how to step-up & not take peoples abuse of any kind anylonger, dont know if you can get your mom to stand beside you tho, as older women we alot of times have low self esteem issues that take us years to get over & learn how to deal with, thank goodness your 20 you can at least get away from this type of situation, the rest of us have to start all over in life & that can be scary too so have some compassion for your mom even tho we as women should be teaching our daughters/sisters/mothers how to take better care of ourselves without relying on anyone. I often knew my sons (25 doesnt live at home & 18) will eventually one day tell this guy where to get off as I have, just hope they dont repeat what they saw & lived in that usually happens UGH.... I'll be thinking of you & I am proud of YOU.

April

Thank you. Your comment really made me happy. I had such a rough weekend and I know that the abuse isn’t going to stop, but I’m trying to make the best of it and get myself mentally ready whenever my father yells at me. My mom told me that what I need to do is prove to my dad that whatever he’s telling me is wrong and that I’m a better person than he thinks I am. It’s hard for her because she said that she’s stuck in the middle between us and as much as she would want my father and I to have a good relationship, I can’t see that happening, not now at least. I hope that I can get closer to my mom and brother through the similar hardship that we face with my father. Thank you so much again for your kind words, it means a lot to me!

I know how it feels to be verbally abused by someone close to you. I still have yet to figure out why and a way to cope with it. It seems to affect everything I do.

One day WAY down the road it could happen the way YOU describe it, maybe not the way as you put it your mom says "prove yourself to him" hummmmm you've already proven yourself so it sounds unless theres way more going on, its not mine to say, but I did at one time would tell the kids to respect there dad & learned (too far down the road in life) that he was not respecting any of us & really didnt deserve anything from us even tho he quote unquote said "I EXPECT IT" & that it was truly what was going on in HIS mind that created most of the problems & that when he came home everyone would go in their separate rooms & STAY away cause its gutwrenching stressful & not a content,peaceful place to be (your home is your sanctuary, safe place & your dad & mom should be a SAFE place to fall), then I'd do my best to try & group us cause I had my head up my you know what, now I dont go there anymore because its HIM that has to help himself w/his lacking in life or feelings etc of course my husband has multiple mental disorder which I found out 5yrs. ago, I'm not saying your dad has any of that but he might be feeling bad about something one never knows how stressful it is on us parents, anyway I'll be thinking of you.... & thanks for letting me vent...

April

Blueberry, you just hit home with this post. I feel like you were telling my story.

It took my mom over 25 years of marriage to realize that my father was incredibly abusive, unwilling to get help, and never going to change. Once one of my siblings and I told my father that we were no longer willing to be his daughters, that we could not live happy lives with him in the picture, my mother began to see herself as separate from my father. It has been several years since the family split, and happiness is beginning to come back into the picture.

I greatly support you in finding a counselor or therapist to talk to both individually and maybe in a group with your mother and brother. I know it sounds cheesy, but it really is important. You NEED to have a safe space to share your feelings, get all that anger out, and you need to start realizing that you are not at fault for your father's behavior. I wish that I would have gone into therapy MUCH sooner than I did... I waited until my life fell apart from guilt, pain, shame, and anorexia before I started talking, and that wasn't in my childhood, it was when I was about 25. My whole life had been spent reenacting the trauma and abuse from my father, and it is only now, through therapy, that I am beginning how to live without doing that.

Please continue to talk as much as you can. Nobody needs to go through this alone, especially when there are so many people who feel just like you do and hurt in the same ways you do.

blue berry once again sorry for my tardiness.

congratulations on standing strong in the wake of a storm.

your father sounds like he is a bully because of his own short comings.

and im not suprised that your mother is afraid she gets left with him when u are gone, generation gap rears its head again the man is the lord of the manor and u are his serfs.
please b careful if u are going head to head with him although he might not b violent he is already impacting on your lives in a negative way, and verbal abuse is just as harmful as any other type.
i would suggest u find somewhere else to stay for the holidays and make arrangements to see your mum and brother then or see if she will come with u to a freinds a relatives or a sheltered unit.

failing that seek help from the doctor or a therapist just so u can defuse how u feel and that u create a sense of this peculiar behaviour.

keep posting and chatting

loving vibes and positive thoughts

I too am having a difficult time with my father. He will help me with things but it is always on his terms. Quite often he will do things I tell him not to do and then will get mad at me when I want to do something. He is very controlling and difficult and I feel really frustrated about the situation. My mother too says that she is caught in the middle of the situation with my father and I. however, I think he is controlling of her too. My parents live close by and when I go visit my father always gets mad at me and says I'm bothering him because he is busy doing something else. Whenever, I talk to him he gets mad at me and makes me upset.

Hi there, I just wanted to say that the best thing you could have done is go away to school. Soon you will be getting a job and your own place and then it won't matter what your dad says or thinks any more because you will be able to choose when and if you see him or not. Sadly I have to say, don't think that he will change. Or that anything you do will change the way he treats you... People rarely do. Forget about him and look to the future. I've been dealing with my mother my whole life and the only time I feel good is when I'm far, far away from her. The great thing about growing up is that you realise you can choose to be around positive people who care about you. And you can avoid those who suck the life and energy out of you. Family life shouldn't be martyrdom. Parents must love their children unconditionally - sadly the reverse is not true. I ran away from home when i was 18 - I couldn't put up with drinking, the emotional and verbal abuse any longer. Now I limit the time I see her to just the bare minimum. And I'm keeping her away from my grandkids!

From Substance Abuse to Mental & Physical Abuse