First of I would just like to say, I'm not even sure I have a problem. How do you even define whether something becomes and obsession or an illness. Is it the same thing?
Right now I am having the toughest time keeping myself up on my feet. A huge load of troubles have just come my way and I'm not sure as of how I supposed to react to all of this. Let me explain. My boyfriend of a year and a half and I are having some major sex issues. Apparantly, I have been pressuring him into it which is a huge turn off. When I say pressure I don't mean like physical pressure. He has fabricated in his head that I constantly need it (which isn't necessarily false) and without me having to do or say anything he feels this pressure. So we stopped having sex. It comes as no surprise to me that this is a huge blow to my self esteem, how am I not supposed to take this personally? My insecurities is what set this off in the first place, so how is this not my fault? On top of that I just found out my mother has cancer. I don't have anything to say about this simply because I'm not sure how to react. Also, my boyfriend and I are moving to the other side of the country. So I couldn't help myself, something just had to make me happy. I thought maybe if I lose some weight I would feel happier and better about myself. I purged once, twice, three times but what now? I haven't lost any weight (I don't think) but I still want to, need to keep doing it. What if this is just one of my schemes to get more attention from my boyfriend? What do I do.
oh my... sexual problems in relationships are never easy to deal with. my last boyfriend, who broke me to pieces after 1.5 years, said similar things about me in my approach to try and make love. what's funny, is i had a dream about it last night... but that's not important really :)
i can remember how awful and rejected i felt, and the only thing i could think of doing, and did, was to "slim down." ... i stopped eating. but it didn't help. but that example is based on a very rotten relationship...
i now have an AMAZING boyfriend who is supportive, understanding, and really cares about me (to say the least cause i can list his superb qualities til death, but that would bore you!), i just now what a real impact he has made on me... and our sex life is so, SO great.
also, i can say without regret that my depression, anxiety, and eating disorder played a hugely negative role in that last relationship - he fed off of my insecurities, and while much of how he dealt with it was terrible, i do take that lesson with me - an ED (and all that crap that encompasses it) takes over who you really are, and who you really can be... i never understood this until i really began to heal (maybe like 6 months ago), and now i make an effort to distinguish between myself and ED. ED wants empty unsatisfying attention, a quick out, while i want a relationship between a man to be honest, forward-moving, and US to come first... not ME (or really what it was, was ED).
as for the news about your mother, i'm so sorry. but know that care is out there for her, and it isn't a "death sentence." also, it's perfectly common to have no reaction when you're in shock. let your emotions and thoughts come naturally, and it will all work out.
it may be hard right now, super super hard, but try to be an open vessel to your thoughts (not ED's), as well as the thoughts and feelings of those around you - it will be easier for you to find a solution to your problems :)
hope this helped a little, and don't hesitate to send me a message if you need any thing else!
First, I am sorry about your mother. Second, I've had and still have those sex issues. Sex for me vaildates somehow that I am desirable and wanted so I want it often. I hope your boyfriend becomes supportive and understanding in all this. I honestly cannot tell you if what you have is an illness or obsession. Even after seven years of being bulimic I still can't fully admit that I amsick. I think you should maybe see a therapist to figure this out before it progresses or if not that because that is a huge step, talk to someone in a similar situation. That way you know you aren't alone and you'll have support.