Losing the will to fight it

Hi,

Ive just joined the site and am pretty much in a state of desperation right now for a solution.

Ive gone through depression and ed's since i can remember. I almost overdosed two weeks ago and i was forced to go home. I know things need to change because i'm at my lowest weight and emotional state, but i keep fighting help. Although i want to let people in i seem to be pushing them further and further away, which i didnt think was possible. One of best friend i think is getting to the point where my unpredictable ups and downs are starting to take its toll on him. If i lose the people around me i dont know what i'll do...so why is it so hard for me to let them in just a little bit. I know im making everything harder on myself and them, but i dont know how to

Im trying, im looking up groups, but its taking its toll on me thats for sure. I dont want to sit for a family dinner and be thinking the whole way through about excuses to get out of dinners the rest of the week, or how long it will take me to work that one off, or how/where i'll purge it up later.

i dont know where to go from here... :(

x

I'm so sorry that you are suffering so much. I hope you will find success. Please keep talking. I know it is difficult to find support for an eating disorder. I have been dealing with it for many years. There is no one out there that understands. If it were drugs or alcohol or even smoking that was our problem, everyone would be jumping at the chance to give support. But eating is something everyone does, and no one understands that some people have a big problem dealing with that seemingly easy dilemma.

I am here for you, and know that I understand.

Hi,
I haven't had any eating disorders before.
But I know what it feels like physically to not eat properly or not eat at all for days / weeks and although what you're going through is much worse than what I've experienced I do know what it feels like to be desperate and lost. I just want to show my support and let you know that if you want to talk / vent then I'm all ears :)

skyler...welcome to the support site! I can relate to your feelings of hopelessness, but there is always hope! You may not always feel it. Are you seeing a professional? This is critical in order to examine what is driving the eating disorder, and to begin to develop new and healthier ways of coping with the challenges of life.
You might also try going to the Eating Disorders Anonymous site or the ANAD site to find groups in your area. Unfortunately, there are not many around.
If you live in an area where there is a treatment center for eating disorders, I recommend that you call them and ask if they offer any type of support group for the public.
Good luck, and I hope you will continue to share here!!

Jan ♥

Hello skylerberry, Welcome!
I hope you find lots of support here. Im glad you found this site, as it is definitely beneficial. Here one will get support as we go through our own journeys. Hope to see more of you in here!
...if not yet, try & get professional help as well. You have a "little" issue that you must address to.

god bless

"Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder" -Thoreau

thank you both for your kind words!

ive done a lot of just reading of other posts on here the last few hours, some people are truely amazing and have gone through so much.
I think sometimes i feel like i dont have the right to be feeling like this or doing all of this to myself...which i think is why i get angrier and more frustrated that i do and have reached this point where i now feel as though the one habits and things i felt were escapes are now in control.

i got a long message from my friend and they were basically saying they just didnt know what to do anymore, because we seem to always have the same conversations, and will talk in circles. when i tried to overdose he said it hit him that there is nothing more he can do, and loves me so much that its become so painful to watch me.

my parents keep just crying whenever they try and talk to me about things. i hate that im hurting people. i feel like admitting things though is like failure. I am a performer, so its like saying i was too weak for the profession and am not cut out for it. This is what i've lived for my whole life though...so where did it go wrong. I feel lost because ive defined myself as being a performer, and worked and lived for nothing else. so if im not strong enough for that then what now...?

thank you for even just listening, even if you dont write any reply. im in tears writing this because the last couple days have just been a heightened hell and im trying, but right now it feels like its one step forward and three back. i may not be saying all this to the people closest to me - i want to be able to, but i dont want to lose them or cause more stress and hurt them more - but regardless its nice to be able to write it down and read other peoples posts and the generous and supportive replies of people on here

* i said thank you to you both for kind words, but hadnt seen the other replies...so thank you ALL! for replies!! <3
x

Skylerberry

you have found a great site here..this path you are on does not end in in light.It gets narrower and lonely.You are in a dangerous spot and can even face death if you keep going in this direction.We never think our personal situation is really that bad.I found this site a year ago and it has helped me immensly..I still have much healing to do but I am not where I was a year ago.
I want you to FIGHT ..I want you to live your life ..FREEDOM is possible ..you have people who love you.
Eating disorders can be fatal...you are worthy of freedom and happiness..so please try to find some help.
Journaling is also a great help ..at least it is for me its something worth trying.Ihope you can use this site as a tool to help free you from your ED.
LOve

Hey Skylerberry,

Welcome to Support groups. It is strange reading your words cos that is where i am and i imagine many others out there. On the verge of losing people who matter because of something which matters too much to us at the moment - food and the eating disorder. Of course it is about much more than food but it (whatever it is) is not worth losing those we love over.

The truth is that if we are not ready to change, then no matter how much help is laid out for us, it will either make no difference or else only a temporary one. So yes, it is about your readiness and willingness to change or at least implement the things which will help you change.

That said, all is not lost, no matter where your mind is at with regards to recovery. I believe that there are small things you can do to show your appreciation to those who care about you. Sending them a gift, treating them in some way, spending some time with them in a way which does not have anything to do with the ED. You could tell them 1 thing they can do on a weekly basis, or fortnightly, or monthly to help you with regards to the ED. That is, if you want them to be involved with your recovery. They don't have to be involved, is the truth of the matter and i hope that they do not put you under any sort of pressure.

They truth is that you can let them in as much or as little as you want and of course, there are consequences but the most important thing is that you do what you need to, to take care of your mind, and your body.

Maybe write down all the things which are getting in the way of you getting better, or else write down 10 steps to you getting better. Each person's may look different.

For me, 1 of those things was not weighing myself. So far, i think i have weighted myself 3 times in a week which is a big step from daily weighing. Tackle what you can, and then move onto the next step. For some, it will be an easy process ( i wish i knew why) and for others, it will take a lot more time.

Either way, breathe. Life is not a sprint. There are no prizes for finishing quicker in life. But the reality of the ED is that the longer it dominates us, the harder it is to let go of and the more we stand to lose: ability to have kids, hold down a job etc.

I wish you the best. I am really rooting for you and hope that this week, you can find 1 thing which will really help you as you fight the ED.

Please keep writing as you wish.

Best Wishes,

Sreb

Sreb....very good insight and advice. I especially liked what you wrote about there not being any prizes for finishing quicker in life...why are so many of us always rushing things? Hmm.....
Thinking of you....Jan ♥

today ive given up and given in. my parents keep calling asking what ive eaten, my best friend has said until i try to help myself they cant help me anymore and has distanced themselves from me. he keeps saying im just manic panicking right now and the ups and downs are so disheartening to watch.

why is accepting help so hard? i want to and i know im at a very dangerous point, BUT i like the comfort and security of knowing right now. does anyone ever feel like accepting help would mean admitting defeat?

serb you truly had some very nice words and things to say, and things to think about. i think a huge part of my struggle very much is about about other people instead of myself. i know it sounds insane but im more worried about how this is hurting and paining them, but then get upset or almost angry when all they are doing is the same about me.

ive not written much so far on the site, but ive done a lot of reading other peoples posts and replies. its nice to feel like there is one place thats safe to anonymously speak truly and freely about things, and not be judged knowing others are going through or have gone through similar experiences.

so thank you <3