When I was eight years old I lost my Father, yes this was ten years ago and I feel as if I should be over it by now. But frequently I find it affecting my life in a different way. I was clinically depressed until I was a senior in high school. Yes a lot of people describe them as depressed but I was not sleeping for years of my life, failed elementary school (if that is possible), saw a counselor, and didn't want to live for several years.
As you can see by my writing my outlook on life has gotten better. But at times I still really struggle. Mostly out of jealousy... I want male influence in my life. I have never had a 'serious" boyfriend and by that i mean nobody worth discussing or anyone who made a difference. But the loss of my dad I feel has made my self-esteem worsen. I feel as if I am not good enough and do not deserve to have a guy in my life, let alone a guy notice me. My thoughts are "you shouldn't even be feeling this way for someone"..... This is different for me. As a twenty year old woman I have been very patient. I have been content with being single.
Now as i see all my close friends having male influence from their fathers and significant others I am Jealous. I miss my dad more and more. Life isn't the same without him and why do i deserve to be here. Yes this is a very large jump but that is how i feel sometimes. I just want it all to make sense, and i wish to have someone who cares about me that much. It isn't the same love coming from a girl friend.
Any comments would be appreciated. I feel like this is a petty post but I don't know who else to talk to.