Lost and confused. I had a 4yr relationship that was rocky t

Lost and confused. I had a 4yr relationship that was rocky to say the least. Things came to a head in Sept when I accidentally found HIS wedding registry with someone else. Shortly after something popped up in my Pinterest feed about Narcissism and it seemed to fit. The more i read, the more verbatim it was. I felt ashamed that I was so stupid not to see the abuse or cheating. I honestly do not know when he had time. I was distraught, quit my job, just broke down overall. I sought out a therapist who supposedly had dealt with this, but insisted he wasn't a Narc &that I was using that to blame him. Recently after 5 months she told me she could not help me and gave no suggestions on where to go from there. I have been NC for 5 months, but still wish he'd come back. The wedding didnt happen originally but now seems to suddenly be back on in 60days. I just dont know what to do with myself....

I am very sorry to hear about all that you have been through. Don't feel ashamed that you didn't see it. They are good at what they do and they do a number on us. Someone who really is capable of love doesn't plan a wedding under your nose with someone else without telling the other significant other in their life about it. This therapist unfortunately did a big disservice to you. It was not your actions that caused him to lie, be sneaky, and cheat. He did that, not you! Please don't feel ashamed or beat yourself up for not seeing it. Narcs are the best actors, better than most in Hollywood. Deep down that little voice probably told you something wasn't right. Many of ours did too but we were under such a spell we couldn't allow ourselves to see it. They make it seem like you found a person who really gets you, someone who enjoys so many of the same things you do. They are just mirroring, showing us the person we want to see. The only thing real about them is their physical being, the rest is make believe. The only power we have is to go No contact and if that is not possible to be indifferent. They need emotion from you, good or bad as they are empty inside. Please know that you are not alone, we are here, and we are listening. Take each day as they come. What did you enjoy doing before you met your Narc? Do something that makes you happy. Go for a walk, go to the movies, paint or draw, write in a journal, go to the salon and get a manicure and/or pedicure. Do something that you find relaxing and something for you. For too long we put the Narcs needs and wants before our own. It is time to fight for someone who is very important..you! Stay strong!

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@EyesWideOpenNow Thank you! And very well written. It’s hard, I go back and forth with the… is he really a Narc? How could that be real? I’ll read articles with even exact phrases he’d use that match, but then I find something that doesn’t fit which gives me doubt. People say they always come back to hoover, but he never has. I dont want to believe he is truly evil. It sure seems like he’s been a great changed guy to his fiance. I want to find or remember things that make me happy, but they dont seem to have the same effect anymore. I almost feel drained of any emotion but sad. You sound like a strong person, inspirational!

As long as that wedding is not to you.

@freeofcrazypants unfortunately I wish more than anything that it was.

It's unfortunate that the therapist you went to wasn't able to assist you better. Not all therapist have experience or the knowledge of how to deal with narcissism. Seek out another therapist that does have experience with it if you feel that therapy will help you to heal. One thing to remember about narcs is that there is a spectrum. Some are more extreme than others. So not everything that you read or learn about them may apply to yours. Everyone's experience is a little different. If what you are reading sounds like him, then he most likely is somewhere on the spectrum of narcissism. And if he is on the spectrum, he won't change. So whatever happened with you, will happen with anyone else that he is with. It is just a matter of time for his mask to slip and the new person will experience a lot of the same things you did.
Do not be ashamed for not seeing his true colors or staying with someone who treated you the way they did. They are experts at manipulating, lying, and acting. Before I met my ex, I considered myself a smart woman with my head on my shoulders. I didn't understand how women would stay with men who lied and cheated on them. After my relationship with him, I have a different perspective. I can see now how they twist things to benefit themselves. They are well versed in what to say and do to get what they want. I used to long for the hoover to happen with my ex until it happened a few times and each time I went back he treated me worse. The important thing to remember about hoovering is that they do it to suck you back in and control you. It is not because they love you or miss you. You ex may not have hoovered you because he is occupied with his new girlfriend. Once he gets bored he may try to hoover you. My friend has been apart from her ex narc for 9 years and he occasionally messages her just to check in on her from time to time. He did this just a month ago. So a hoover can happen at any time. But for you, it is important to focus on you and healing from the relationship. Do the things to help yourself move past him and live a happy life for yourself.

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@happlecrisp the worst part is, the therapist claimed she was versed in this disorder! Its left me feeling hopeless and unfixable because its a professional telling me I can’t be helped. Yes I did read about the spectrum, he seems to fit the covert narc type pretty closely, which is so sneaky. Really? I felt the exact same way, I considered myself smart and had good self esteem and boundaries. I was at the highest point of my life when I met my ex. I too didnt understand how people couldnt see abuse or stayed. Its so hard for me to fathom this kind of evil exists, outside of murderers and such. Its hard to focus on me, since I lost me! I honestly hate myself and have trouble even going to the grocery store because my replacement looks like a supermodel. Everyone I see at my age is married and happy and having kids. Hes like an addiction. I truly understand how drug addicts must feel. Thank you for your kind words and inspiration, you truly do sound smart and to be a strong woman!

That is awful, I am so sorry you are going through this. I've read that therapists who don't understand narcissistic abuse can be damaging in a victims recovery by invalidating their story. I would suggest going to the Psychology Today website and searching for a therapist in your area, on that site they list each doctor's area of expertise.

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