I don't know how or where to start, so here it goes.
March 17th I had my first ever seizure. I was hospitalized for 4 days, While in the hospital they discovered I had a mass on my left frontal lobe. Since then, I am suffering daily seizures I lost consciousness not to mention 30-40 petit mal seizures. They feel in the last week a lot of the petit mal seizures are anxiety related which is to be expected.
Well, I was just hospitalized again last weekend for 4 days again and they found additional masses. The neurologists have 3 different ideas but no for sure idea what it is. They've tried to get a neurosurgeon to see me but because of some insurance issues, I was denied. I finally got one to agree to see me but have to wait until two weeks. In the mean time, I suffer daily from my seizures, the side effects such a memory loss, cognitive skills, etc. etc..
I've found out who my true friends were, and I have lost so many people too just in one month. Obviously those people weren't my friends but it doesn't mean it hurts any less and I don't take it personal.
My mother is taking care of me in more ways than anyone can imagine. I mean she is basically my care giver now because I don't have strength or energy to do so many things we take for granted. I drove today against everyone's opinion and of course it drained me and I won't be doing that again for a long time.
I am 29 years old, I am use to being constantly on the go but not the "party" type. I was always the person you could rely on. I work for a major league baseball organization on games days and look so forward during the off season for March to come because one of the few things that truly brings me happiness in life. Well, because of this, I have missed all spring training, homestands, and it looks like I won't be able to return to work. I've even had to resign from my daily job as well due to these medical conditions. I can't even afford the cheapest ticket to go to a game right now because I have money wrapped up in medical bills & medication, and just daily expenses. I'm trying so hard to keep my mind occupied buy starting to do mosaic, ceramic, & tile art again along with painting but it only fills a temporary void so much.
I don't know what more I can do to help me get through these next few weeks, months, whatever it is going to take. I mean, they don't even know at this point yet & I'm already ready to throw in the towel. I am not suicidal by any means, but I just don't know what to do to keep me from falling farther and father into this black hole.
I should mention that I have been cursed with health problems all my life and this was just the biggest icing on the cake so it's not like these are just 3 weeks of emotions. They feel a lot of the years of problems may have been misdiagnoses due to this brain mass(es) going undetected. I'm so afraid at the age of 29 being in the shape I'm in now, will I even be able to function 20 years from now.
I know nothing anyone could say really could make me feel better,, but I just needed to vent I guess. My mom tries so hard to understand but with this being a brain issue along with a brain trauma that added to it 2 years ago it just is hard for something who hasn't dealt it this to understand how hard it can be to control your emotions.
If you took the time to read this, thank you so much,