Lost don’t know what to do. Husband has been an on and off

Lost don’t know what to do. Husband has been an on and off addict for as long as I can remember. Also has many pycological problems. I’ve left him many times and each time he self destructs worse and worse. Last time he attempted suicide 4 different times at once. He won’t stop or get help, I can’t talk to anyone about it bc ever time I do things just get worse and if I leave him he will definitely kill himself and we have a 15 year old daughter who is pretty much in the dark. He blames me and says I mentally abuse him whenever I bring up the drug use or he brings up fake affairs to try and put me on the defense. I’m at the end of my rope and am seriously considering ending my own life bc it is the only way I see to get out. He’s not abusive or anything I just can’t keep going and holding everything together without any hope for the future.

1 Heart

i'm so sorry to hear that. it must be really hard. if you feel like harming yourself please call 911 now or even the 800 number on this website. it sounds like his problems and addiction has taken over him and that his actions are his own choices. it seems you just want him to be well but we are powerless over their addiction just like they are powerless to theirs. but everyone makes their own choices. sadly my husband also struggled with alcohol and drugs and for years have harmed himself accidentally including overdose. last november, after a year of doing so well with sobriety and managing his treatment, his body just gave up and died while we slept. those with addiction, from what i learned, will use anything and everything to attack us, blame us, or use it as an excuse or a reason to justify their use. we can only encourage and support they get care. we cannot fix them however. that's the toughest thing to accept. we cannot save them or fix them. they have to want it and take action with our help if they can't on their own. we can't do it for them.

So we just live in the hell they create for us or with the guilt of not being there to prevent further harm? I can’t even find a support group near me and with my work schedule wouldn’t have time for it anyways. I’m sorry for your loss and you must be a very kind person to of been able to stick by his side until the end. I don’t know that I have that kind of strength. I already have no patience for his addiction and say the most awful things to him. Also half the time I don’t want to be near him but don’t dare go out for fear of having him start with new accusations. I just feel trapped and for a women like myself who can usually find a way to solve any problem it’s taking everything in me to go on each day.

1 Heart

@Lostwife11years we’re supposed to take care of ourselves, that’s important. we’re not supposed to be doormats and just bend to them and their addictions. and like you, i left him a couple of times even for just a day or a night because i was clear with him i will not tolerate his behavior. i wasn’t afraid to leave him and his threats of divorce, i even said one time i’ll start the paperwork and he’ll just have to sign it. everytime he made a threat to hurt himself or to leave me, he ended up taking it all back everytime. BUT he’s also had a lot of help with therapy, rehab, treatment for half his life so he knew his addiction was what’s causing problems to himself and to us. he knew he had pain inside that i can’t do anything about. what’s important for me was to draw my boundaries, stick to it, and be there to support him to get well. my fear was financial as he was head of household. we don’t have a child. so i can only speak from my experience. as for support, i read a lot online about living with an alcoholic, about alcoholic loved ones, etc. also the al-anon website has a lot of online resources.

Thank you so much! Talking does make me feel better and to someone who understands and doesn’t just tell me how stupid I am for staying with him or caring. Thank you again!

1 Heart

@Lostwife11years welcome! and i don’t think it’s stupid of us to stay or to care. we have compassion for others so it’s human to care, to help, to try to save. be kind to yourself and think through what is best for you and your daughter. make a choice. take action. stick with it. we’ll all hope he finds it in himself to get well.