Lost my cookies

Last night, I really lost my cookies.. I went out to dinner with my husband at a nice restaurant. It was going fine.. Until he started talking about me not wanting to get near him. Understand that this man has hurt me so badly I had a collapsed lung. This is not the only time he has hurt me. Honestly the emotional abuse is even worse.
Well, after that he went home and he started telling me what a worthless person I am. I honestly just could not deal with it any longer. I got angry and told him to leave. He did after about an hour of almost hitting me telling me what a piece of **** I am. He did leave. I called my teenage son and asked him to come home.
He was out with friend and did come home about an hour later. This is where my behavior is not acceptable. I got mad at him . I was very rude . He wanted to leave and in turn called his father to pick him up. Which only made me more angry. I have protected my children from him all their lives. They have seen him hit me over and over again.
I was up most of the night. Really just wanted and still want to just end my life. After, 28 years of this, I just do not know what the point is in still living.

Please don't hurt yourself. I wouldn't give that **** husband of yours the satisfaction. I know it must hurt, seeing your son call someone that you have had to protect him from. Just consider your son's point ov view. He loves you both, and does not want to hear anything bad about either of you.

I can't say I have any answers, but I know they are out there. All I know is that you are a survivor to have made it this far. You also are brave to stand up to your husband, knowing what could happen afterwards.

It is incredibly hard now, when you are about to sever ties with your husband. At least that what it seems like when you say you don't want to get near him. It's the hardest when you are breaking up with a control freak like him. But when it's over, you will have better days. You will feel better when you listen to kind words from friends who care about you instead of mean crap from a **** who is trying to hurt your feelings.

Hang in there, and move away from the negativity in your life.

Lucia, at least you're aware of the endlesss circle/cycle thats been created & will be passed on to the next generation, do your best to not involve your children any further, I know this IS difficult STOP NOW, they have seen & heard enough, just like you HAVE. Years from now all of whats happened to you may happen w/them or TO THEM as children learn from what the live in & the cycle will continue, try to teach them a different way to handle the ongoing situation by STAYING as calm as you can & call police if & when the husband is abusive for there ARE consequences & have him arrested & document. Please try to talk w/us here instead of directly/indirectly teaching them that this IS the way to be treated or the way to TREAT people, this IS WHY this crap goes on for generations. Do you have anyone else close by to confide in? We got your back just talk w/us.

April

Hi, I have only told a few people. Honestly once they knew they stopped being my friend. I have been married 28 years . I have always stayed calm until the other day. I think I reached my breaking point. My son is a great kid . I told him how sorry I am for taking it out on him. It was not fair. My daughter is coming home today. She is 22 years old and also a wonderful child. I am very lucky to have them.
I hope that this cycle stops. They are both very kind and gentle. They know this is not acceptable.
As far as my husband. I have called the police on him many times. I do have it documented. I just want out. Unfortunately we are in the middle of losing our home. It is in foreclosure process. The uncertainty of my future is so stressful.
I have a R.N. degree and I know that I must keep calm. I was ashamed with my behavior. I know my actions affect and influence them.
I should have left a long time ago.
Hopefully, I am strong enough.
I appreciate your help.

I am a survivor of abuse, but stayed nowhere near as long as you have. God bless you for trying so hard, and for trying to protect your children as much as you have been able to. You really do need to live for yourself and those kids now! I do not have anything else to say, because I cannot pretend to know your feelings in this tragic situation. I will tell you that I will pray for you this evening with all my heart. I wish you a beautiful future on the horizon, and the peace of mind and heart to see it.

Lucia you'd mentioned losing the property 120 days from now on your other posts/another site. Since you have an RN degree, I'll bet you have a fighting chance to find work anywhere in other states maybe & your kids might be able to assist you finding a new place to rent due to the fact you credit rating will take a big HIT/SLAM from the foreclosure unless you dont have anything in your name then it could work in your favor sometimes. There must be more thats holding you back either emotionally/physically/work history/finances or this feeling of being STUCK. If I'm over shooting then I'm sorry.

Is your husband controlling all the finances?

April

It was good that you tried to have your son with you instead of being alone. Even though it helps to have someone physically close I have found the best way to deal with an impending blow up for me is to get on line (to sites like this) and vent. Here you are with people who will understand and not take it as an attack when you have strong emotions to let out. If that does not work talk to someone on a hotline and then when you talk to you child start out with something like "I am going to try to stay calm but if I don't please remember I am NOT mad at you" A reminder like that before trying to talk with them can help them to calm you down as you talk because you have warned them that you are not in complete control