Lost someone important to me

Addiction & Recovery Substance Abuse
1

Just need to let some emotions out so here we go...

I lost someone who means more to me than I think she even realizes. Unfortunately, it started off rocky and never really stabled itself out. We're both dealing with our own addictions so I guess you could say those two don't mix well. We both made mistakes and hurt each other in different ways but I know she's a wonderful woman and I miss her dearly. I truly believe we had something different. Without knowing each other all that well you'd be surprised how much we think alike. Our first visit I saw her and pulled out a pack of gum I just bought. She pulled out her gum, exact same! We've done that 2 or 3 times now. Another visit I broke out my toothpaste and **** it she didn't pull out the exact kind and size! We have the same pandora bracelet. Both our families are filled with alcoholics. The other day I asked her the most random question about egg donation and she told me about a dream she had the night before about her donating one and got upset later in life wanting to know where her baby was. I realize these are small things but after all that is what really counts right? It's just so weird how much we're in each others head. She's VERY special and I'm struggling to have her no longer in my life. I wish we were both in healthier states of mind so we could move forward together in a positive setting but for now it's simply not the case.

If it's meant to be it'll work itself out. At least that's what I have to believe.

2

Hi Dlphs99, I can understand how you are feeling, as I've gone through this before. I truly believe that if someone is meant to be in my life, then they will be again, but if they're not then there's a very good reason why they've been yanked out of my life. What really helps me through these moments is this poem, as it really gives me a sense of peace;

"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."

Source: http://www.yuni.com/library/docs/631.html

3

puppy tough going (emotionally) past 12 hrs thanks for this, as always your wonderful!

4

wow! Sounds like your soulmate. Is there anyway for you guys to rectify the situation? Good luck!

5

D.... GF.....i'm sorry hun.....oh matters of the heart! you are right if its meant to be it will (long story) me and mr together 20yrs now so it can be.

6

This might actually be theraputic for me writing out my thoughts.

Soulmate? I can't say all that. I've only known her since January so it's far too early to give it that title. I suppose it's important to point out we were never exclusive before getting into how our situation played out. Thinking back now I realize it's just been a mess of a situation from day one.

I met her on a gay dating site. She reached out to me first. We started talking. I was under the impression she's gay b/c after all that is what she told me. She was married to a man but got divorced b/c she realized she was gay. So of course I had no reason to think otherwise. Well, after spending a really nice evening with her (floating on cloud 9) I left for Orlando and again thought everything was just honky dory until literally out of the blue I get a text from her phone asking who I was and that he was her boyfriend. You can imagine my shock. IF a situation like that were to happen I thought it would have been another woman but no it was a man. Her and I have butted heads over this topic so many times b/c you can't call yourself gay if you're dating/sleeping with the opposite sex. She'd get so mad when I'd bring it up. It wasn't me bringing up b/c I wanted to be a pain in the ***. I brought it up b/c it was a genuine concern of mine. After that she swore she didn't love him and he's just a "filler" and she was basically waiting for him to self implode and go away on his own. Like I said we were not exclusive so it's ok that she was dating someone else BUT we did have that discussion and she told me there was no one else. I had really started to feel for her so when this all went down it really did crush me. A day or 2 later I had a "binge" drinking episode and just ripped into her saying terrible things. We didn't speak for a week or so but eventually worked past it. We started talking again and yet again I got another call from this douche bag. When we did talk again I didn't ask about him but I ***umed he probably was still around and he sure was. He finally self imploded that evening enough for her to walk away. The thing is about this girl she's been struggling with an eating disorder for 30 years and when I met her it was the worst it's ever been. Right now she is finally working very hard getting real professional help and I am so incredibly proud of her for doing that. We've had discussions and she recognizes that her self destruction was also allowing toxic people into her life who treated her badly. This guy she was dating was around before I was so really the ONLY right I had to be mad about was her not telling me the truth and me finding out the way I did.

Well after all this happened I became incredibly insecure. She runs her own singles club where she match makes so she knows a lot of people and has to "play the game" as she says. She is very smart, successful, charming, beautiful woman and as I like to say she has "quite the fan club". I'd see things written on her facebook that would upset me. It wasn't ever anything terrible but given how all of a sudden I had to worry about man grabbing her attention it was hard on me. I don't think she ever nor does she to this day grasp just how much it hurt me when everything happened with this guy. I fell for her. I really did and I tell her all the time but I don't think she trusts that either. She has said many times "I don't even love myself so how can anyone else love me?" I've done EVERYTHING I could think of to show her my feelings are real. When it came to her disease I did so much to try to help. I did research, I made phone calls when she was so depressed she couldn't get out of bed, I called her insurance company to find out what they do/don't cover, I live in MD and she's in NJ I offered to drive up there for the sole purpose to take her to meetings/support groups, I offered to help pay for treatment b/c her insurance covers nothing, I bought books that I've read so I could understand her disease better and get a better understanding how to help her. We've had countless IM and text discussions when she's struggled. I've always been kind, loving, supportive and patient with her ED. But for some reason I guess it wasn't enough.

She is so angry with me now and although I can understand being questioned is annoying I don't know that it's bad enough for her extreme reactions. She's always told me she's an extremist and I'm certainly witnessing that now. I did question her but I honestly don't think it's quite as bad and she feels it is. When we spent time together I never once asked her who she was talking to her phone. Never asked what she was looking up on her computer. To me someone who constantly says "who are you talking to, why are you always on your phone" that's pretty bad. My questioning was more about my concerns that she says she's gay yet obviously she isn't and yes if I did something on her facebook or something I'd ask about it. I'm not belittling my behavior by any means but I don't know it just doesn't seem to be worth her cutting me off completely the way she has. I mean she has totally cut me out. I'll admit I did put pressure on her after that ordeal with that guy I wanted her to commit to me but she's not at a place in her life to do so and I wasn't exactly accepting that answer. She's finally getting real help for her ED so I do realize me pushing her in that way was wrong. It's just frustrating b/c I feel like I've done far more good in this situation than bad but she seems to cling to the bad and say the hell with me.

She's use to people wanting her b/c she's a pretty face and them not genuinely caring for her but I accept her just the way she is. I love her just the way she is. I've seen her at her worst, I haven't yet seen her at her best BUT there were many glimpes of her heart I did see and that woman is remarkable and full of so much potential. She started her own successful company when she wasn't at her best. I hope no one reads this and thinks anything bad of her. She's got a good heart. I just don't know if her being so extreme is something that will eventually tamper off as she recovers or if this is just the way she is. She got so mad a couple weeks ago and swore me off but she came around and were at least talking on IM. We had one discussion and she spelled everything out for me and exactly where we stood and I accepted that but later that night she got so pissed over nothing and cut me off again. She has said to me "you're lucky I'm even talking to you again" and that's hurtful b/c like I said she killed my heart with that guy, both times, and I really do believe in my heart I've shown her how genuine and caring I am so when she says that to me I'm kinda sitting here like "well ok, I know I've made mistakes but does it really deserve such harsh treatment?" We def seem to not agree on this topic. The thing about me is if I mess up I'll be the first to admit it, apologize, and learn moving forward. I also don't think she believes my feelings for her. I think she thinks I'm just another yahoo swinging into her life for my own self satisfaction but that's so not the case. I think I've done enough to prove I'm for real. I don't know. I'm leaning towards chalking all of this up to terrible timing. She's got her disease to battle and I've got mine. Maybe it's our unhealthy mind sets that are causing such strife between us. It's just hard b/c I have done all I could to prove my love for her. I stood by her even after she was dishonest with me. I've sent her gifts to know I was thinking of her. Her birthday rolled around and I made a gift that was very personal and full of meaning. I didn't just want to give her any present so I poured my soul into making this. I also donated $100 in her honor to the National Eating Disorder Association. What more could I possibly do to prove myself?

Her frustration for me right now is so bad and to a point I understand b/c she's dealing with major issues she has to get thru but still I'm having a hard time accepting how extreme she takes things. In reality we've both made mistakes but I seem to be the only one willing to forgive and try to work thru. Sometimes I don't think she realizes why I'm hurt and why I get insecure. I don't think she believes I love her so when I do show concern I think to her it's just annoying.

Anyway, thanks to whoever makes it all the way thru reading this long *** post.

7

Oh and I do have to be fair and say after she got really upset with me Saturday night I acted like a total asshole b/c I was drinking. I felt very strongly that she over reacted at that time and didn't feel I deserved the harsh reaction I was receiving. After that happened I continued to drink heavily and I over stepped my boundaries with her and that I totally can understand her being livid about. However, I do wish she'd recognize that she got mad and starting swearing me off again over nothing. She said her tolerance for me is a low and I've been there before where if that person says hi to me and I think I heard any tone in their voice I'd flip out on them. It's probably best we don't speak for the time being given the circumstances. It still hurts though b/c I miss her.

8

i'm sorry yur hurt hun, but i must say i think your wise to step back work on your recovery and not hers. i hope this situation works out for you the way you'd like. i'm gay, i'm not, i am, then a fella in there, lying about the guy, gay, not gay thing for me would be a red flag. her getting well with her illness does'nt hinge on what ya do or don't although it can be used as an excusee, vice versa for you hun, our recovery is just that, ours. sure, hurts, assholism etc must be dealt with but they are ours to deal with and make right. just my opinion hun but you fell hard and quick (was always my mo) and got hurt real bad lots. easy does it hun, you can't force things to be. can't make her see how you feel. i feel for ya hun. i've been at both ends back in the day.....your recovery should be your main focus (yeah i no somebody tell the heart ug!).

9

Well she's never said "I'm not gay". When it's brought up she'll get pissed and say "fine I'm not gay, whatever, I'm me". But I think in her mind she believes she's gay. I honestly don't know. If she's not she's not, fine. But hell just say it. I guess it's hard for me b/c we'll talk at times and she'll mention how she's gay and I sit there thinking "but you're not". I don't even care one way or the other. I really don't. I think the reason I obsess about it is b/c of what happened with that guy. I mean I had NO clue he was around. When I got his text messages along with a photo of them two together my heart sank. Things seemed to be going so well when I met her and she did tell me there was no one else so when all of this came out I was genuinely stunned. Would it have hurt if it was another woman this happened with? Of course! But it would have made more sense given what she's told me. I don't think she's understanding how much that one incident affected me. I can't speak for her but I think she see's it like "I'm dating around and I have ever right to do so." And yea that is true but again she said there was no one and when I did find out the truth it wasn't even from her. It was from him.

The whole thing is just a mess and I hate it. I could careless if she's gay or bi. It was just incredibly hurtful to think she's this one person only to find out otherwise. I've asked if maybe she's confused but whenever I bring the topic up she gets angry and defensive. The other side to this that I don't think she gets is that she did lie to me and that is a huge no no in my book. Once I found out "men" are obviously an option for her everything got so hard for me. She runs this business, she plays the "flirting" game and she is a very charming and beautiful woman so she has NO problems getting attention. If she ran this company and she truly was gay meaning NO men in anyway, shape or form other than a friend it wouldnt' bother me. But having that incident happen only made me more insecure and questioning in my mind if she's being honest with me or not. I don't think that's unreasonable. If I see a dude say something to her I'd automatically get upset b/c I really had no way of knowing if she felt the same or not. I guess all I really want is for her to understand my thoughts/feelings and why I feel this way. I've tried talking to her but I guess that's the "questioning" she hates that I do.

I also think I hold a little bit of resentment inside myself and I hope this makes sense when I say it. The guy she was seeing who contacted me was a total asshole douche bag. He didn't treat her well. He went thru her phone, contacted me more than once, he beat her, sexually assaulted her, thru her disease in her face but swore he loved her. She said to me once how she saw his jealousy and possessiveness as a sign of love and that's why she stayed (well after he abused her she finally left for good but they fought a lot and he wasn't a good man). I hear about that and it angers me that she was with him and actually convinced herself he did love her just b/c he showed he was jealous? I'm not perfect and I make mistakes just like every other human being but man it's a world of difference between me and this guy yet I don't think she believes I love her. Of course so much of this has to do with her self esteem and her disease so I try to keep that in mind but it's hard. My biggest mistakes in this has been if I binge drink sure I've said ****** things but we seemed to work past that. What she's so angry about now is my insecurities and if I do ask questions. Honestly, am I such a terrible person for having these insecurities and expressing them? I never raised a hand to her, never hit her, never thru her disease in her face. I've loved and supported her thru out ALL of this. If the worst thing I've done is discuss my insecurities too much I don't know that I can agree that it's the worst thing a person can do. Again, not belittling her feelings on the subject but I guess I just don't understand the extremes she takes it. She took that douche bag back time after time and he's done FAR worse than anything I've ever done so I guess in a way at the end of the day when I think about those things I don't feel very cared about. That's all I've ever tried to convey to her but she isn't very open at the moment to hearing it.

10

i so get where your coming from! may i ask are you also attending aa meetings?

11

I was but honestly wasn't getting anything outt of it so I went yesterday to get evaulated at a more intensive outpatient program. I was accepted so i'll be starting that next week.

12

And yes you're right I do need to focus on my own recovery. I wrote her a letter the other day and in it I said "I've realized I've put ALL my energy and focus on her recovery and neglected my own." But like you said...someone please tell my heart this is for the best!! Although she's totally cut me out again and I don't know that she'll ever speak to me again. I'm hoping once we're both healthier and healed we can talk but the extremes she takes this makes me feel like I'm this god awful person who she hates. It's tough. I have made mistakes no doubt about it. It's just hard to accept her reactions to them I guess. She's entitled to her feelings so I can't argue if that's how she really feels. I just wish she was able to look at the big picture, realize all that has transpired thru our knowing each other and try to be a bit more understanding. But again, like you said, I can't make her see or realize anything.

And btw...she really is a fantastic woman. None of this is to speak poorly of her at all. I wouldn't have fallen for her if I didn't see something really great in her. Just having discussions about life she totally blows me away. She's extremely special to me. I guess that's why I have a terrible time letting go.

13

maybe just backing off and let her contact you...some of what you've been sounds like part of her my feel smothered?

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Yea I'm sure she feels that way. I addressed that as well telling her I know I've probably smothered her unintentionally. I don't know that it will help but certainly can't hurt. Obviously I don't want anyone mad at me but if she is mad I can deal with it. It's more of how extreme she takes things that bothers me. If I screw up I'll admit it and I'll certainly do my best to learn from it but when she takes it as far as totally cutting me off it's hurtful b/c I really don't feel that my mistakes with her warrant quite that harsh of treatment. She's made it clear she can be in a relationship right now and truth be told I probably shouldn't be in one either. Saturday nights blow up just seemed totally uncalled for b/c that day we had a good talk. I told her I'd be fine and she responded with "we'll see". That night we were talking on IM and she just got so mad and cut me off again. I saved the IM chat and have read it a million times and I still don't know why she went off. I mean hours earlier I told her I get it now and I'll show you I'll be fine but she didn't give me a fair chance. The first time she read something (which I still have no idea what in that particular talk) that upset her she was gone again and gave me NO chance to defend myself or anything. I just don't understand.

15

hhhmm the old silent treatment....back in the day i used that one. i would get so angry, i see it now as my way of protecting myself because i was so hurt plus unknowingly at the time also mixed with hurting them back and control! us humans can be quite deseptive not only to others but to our selves as well. manipulative little creatures we can be.
you will never understand until you can have a "real" adult conversation without all the drama. we do what we do for a reason....example as a result of things that happen as a child i learned (unknowingly) behaviors that landed me in aa. she has "issues" manifested in her ed. is any of this helping you at all hun? don't want sound like i know it all or that i'm lecturing. you so distressed and i so feel for ya and want to help some how. all out of miracle pixie dust!

16

I don't know that it's the old silent treatment. She genuinely seems to hold some sort of hatred inside for me. At least that's the way her harshness makes me feel. I think that's the other problem I'm struggling to understand. She says she loves me but whenever something happens she has ALWAYS been so quick to say "adios" and I'm the one begging for her to come back. I fight for her b/c I do love her. If it were up to her we would have stopped talking 3 weeks into knowing each other. She doesn't make much effort even if she's the one who upset me somehow. And that's not a dig on her b/c I know she's got serious things going on in her life she needs to work out but I won't lie it does hurt my feelings b/c often times I'm left wondering if does actually care or if I'm just the next "right now" person. That's a hard thing to wonder when you know you love that person and you're questioning their true feelings. I have my own issues to work out too. I can't put everything on her b/c I have come to realize I still have a few demons to work out for myself. It just hurts b/c I miss her A LOT! If I go by our last communication I'll never hear from her again. I wish we met each other during a healthier time. At least that way we would have had a fair enough chance to see what we both really do feel instead of all this up and down and insecurities and fights and personal battles getting in the way.

I appreciate you chatting with me about this. It does help to get it all out so thank you.

17

I sent this song to her last week with her birthday present. It's a beautiful song but one that now makes me cry. Honestly, I feel silly sometimes when I discuss my feelings for her b/c I've NEVER been the type to fall in love so fast. I don't trust easily. It typically takes a while for someone to get close to my heart but **** if she didn't somehow barge her way thru. Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time letting go. For me to feel the way I has to mean something right??? Or am I just living in LaLa Land with those thoughts? I don't really know how to explain it and I suppose that's the beauty of real love anyway. It just happens and we don't need explanations. Anyway, here's the song...

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

18

oh d my dear friend, oh the heartache hun.....i'm so sorry. what a heart wrenching song for you right now. who sings this song? hope your day is going ok. whats your babys name by the way? what kind of pooch is she?

19

It is a sad song but it's one that I truly do mean for her. She's struggled enough in her life and now I just want her to find happiness. I'd be honored to be a part of that happiness but I'm not feeling very confident that will ever be a reality for me. My mistakes to her I guess is enough to not want to talk to me anymore. It hurts I can't lie. I'm just having such a terrible time understanding Saturday night and what caused her to jump off the deep end declaring she wasn't going to talk to me anymore. As I said yesterday, I kept the IM chat and I've combed thru the part she got annoyed and for the life of me I don't know what I said wrong. I really genuinely believe this just unfortunately happened b/c she is upset with me so anything I do or say is going to be wrong. What hurts I'll admit is that she gets that way and there's no stopping it. She shuts me out in a split second (something she's done quite a few times) and I'm always the one trying and trying and trying to communicate to fix the issue. Now I just don't know if this happens b/c of what she's been thru in her life or if deep down this is who she is and how she handles things. I did act like a total *** after she bailed out so abruptly again and wouldn't even give me two seconds to respond. This of course b/c I was already drunk and once that happened I just drank more and had one of those "embarr***ing I'm such an ***hole" nights. Now that I can see her being pissed over for sure but she was already swearing me off before.

Rascal Flatts sings that song and my baby girls name is Piper.

20

d hun, i so get where your coming from and empathize so much ( been there) and you keep sharing with us please. may i say that i hope you try to figure out your whys with as much passion as your trying to figure out hers. i'm so glad you found this site to help.