I feel like I am lost....like I am trapped. These all consuming thoughts of food and calories are too much to bear sometimes. I feel as though I can't think of anything else. I realized today that one of my passions and talents, cooking, is probably just due to ed....I love cooking because I know EXACTLY what is in it. Would I have this passion and talent if it wasn't for ed.

I realized....I don't know anything I am good at. I dont have a talent that defines me. I don't do anything particularly well that someone would say "yep, Kaitlin is awesome at this." I feel saddened by this because where is my purpose in life? Do I have one?

I know how you feel. At times all I can think about is food and calories. I have jsut started dealing with ED and it is a struggle. I know things will get better but all i seem to think is that i hope i don't gain. I know i shouldn't think that way because i need to gain but i don't want too. Hang in there you are not alone.

We actually discuSsed this in my group therapy last week; our homework was to think of something new wed like to try that isn't related to ED. I've actually chosen cooking; I don't cook, I'm that afraid of food. I buy those veggies in a bag u pop into the micro and steam-so I thought cooking might help me get over my fear of food.

I feel the exact same way you do, hun. And you know what? I find that I myself enjoy cooking and baking. Even though I will not let myself have that cookie that, I myself made, I liked baking it. Cooking relaxes me. Sure it might be ED toying with me, teasing me. But I try not to care. I like cooking and I will do it whether or not ED approves! Remember, you are not alone in how you feel. We are here to help support you. :)

Many people with eating disorders take on an increased interest in food, cooking, etc. It's because of the starvation affects on a person's brain. Of course you are going to focus more on food!
There is nothing wrong with enjoying this as a hobby, but are you also eating the food that you cook? Are you enjoying it in a social sense with your family/friends? If not, this may indicate a distortion, and a problem in terms of wanting to see other people eat, but not allowing yourself the food. I did it for years. It's not a healthy approach. Maybe a good challenge would be that if you cook something, you are also going to eat the food with someone you care about? Take care...Jan ♥