I am lost. ED found it's grip and I can't make him let go.
For the past week I haven't eaten. Yesterday my boyfriend came down and we went to our schools football game. I couldn't even stand. I got dizzy, naseated, cramps. I had to keep sitting. Mike made me get a soft pretzel and I just made myself eat most of it and told myself it was fuel so I could stand up without pain. I couldn't even cheer on my team with out getting tired. Mike made me try chocolate he made at home and I was mortified. Scared of it. I started counting again, all those calories. I was disgusted. So yesterday i ate for the first time since everythig was ruined and i was fat. I went to dinner and hours after i eas hungry and kept going to someqhere tot get food and turing around. There was like a gravitational pull takjng me away from the food.when I got back to mydorm I ate a cupcake! A cupcake. I am so upset with myself. I was upset and crying because of the whole day and just ate the cupcake to eat my feelings. I hate myself. I'm disgusting.
I have been having pains in my torso- not hunger, those mean nothing to me now, but pains from starving my body. Sadly I'm proud now when I get them. My friends read te sadness on my face now. They know. They are figuring it out. I won't admit it.
I am not in control anymore. ED is. And I'm allowing it to be. Why? I dont know...
you are caught in a dangerous cycle and you will end up in the hospital if you continue this way. You are the only one that can take that control back by getting help. I know that you are seeing a nutritionist/nurse but unless your totally honest with her you will not get the help you deserve. It took me along time to realise this myself.
If you can't follow a MP and believe me I do know how hard that is then you NEED to be in a program.
I know that sounds scarey to you but I think deep down you know thats what you need.
I know how hard it is to accept that and until you start takeing charge you will continue being stuck in this cycle.
Try and take care of yourself and challenge those ED voices YOU CAN do it.
Please just try..I know once you start getting help that the Ed seems to be more challenging you really need to get more intensive help.
Allee I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. What else is going on in your life? How are your classes going? How are things with your roomate and the girls on your floor?
Isn't it crazy to have these feelings even after you have done this before? ED is so powerful and if you aren't ready to make decisions for yourself he is so quick to jump in and do it for you. Except ED turns everything into food instead of dealing with any actual issues you are facing.
The only way you can see clearly right now is if you are eating regularly. Your body and brain need the fuel. Don't give in to this slow suicide.
I can't make you ready for recovery again, you have to do that for youself.
I know you are a strong person and you can fight this. Sometimes when we know a journey to recovery takes 1,000 steps, the hardest one to take is the first one, but you've already done that by reaching out and seeing a nutritionist. Just try to keep taking those baby steps towards your recovery, and it's ok if you take a few steps backwards, because those steps are not permanent, and you can always turn it around and get back on track.
I've taken atleast 100 steps backwards this summer and 100 this week alone.
I can't do a program. I just can't. I don't even want to be in the minimal treatment now. It's too much. I dont care anymore.
My roommate is fine. Took her to the hospital again For the same concussion. She makes me eat when I don't want to. Makes me want to die. Mike is good. I feel so alone when he isn't around which is 75 percent of the time and when he is here all the emotions hit me an I cry. As a person he stands as recovery so emotions hit me. So I'm basically always miserable. Classes are stressful and I have exams again. I'm freaking out.
Maybe I just can't recover. Maybe it's not for me. Maybe I am not strong enough. Maybe I don't deserve it.
If recovery isn't for you then where does that leave you?..without a future? Sorry to be blunt but the reality is if you continue to keep spiraling down you won't have a choice but end up in the hospital and be put into treatment of some kind.
Or it could end in death because im sure your well aware that Eds can be fatal!
And YOU DO DESERVE IT ..You deserve to be FREE of it. If you want it you will fight for it.
Please take care of yourself♥
you sound very alone in this and I hope that you can be open with your nutritionist and let her now how things have spiraled down.
Allee it sounds to me like you really need to make some time for yourself. The stressors of life can be so overwhelming and its almost impossible not to turn to food (or lack of it) when that is the only coping mechanism that we know. How do you think ED got back in this time? Was there a decision you weren't ready to make that you let him make for you? Thats what usually happens for me. I really hope you can jump back into recovery. I agree that you need to talk to your nutritionist about your restriction. Food is not the problem or the answer, life is!
Everything that is too much for me. I just want to cover my ears and hide. The nurse twoish weeks ago said I had gained. Then I ate and ate and ate at my boyfriends. And I said this has to stop. So when I left Mikes, I stopped. No more eating. No more indulging. Need to gain control. And it went on from there.
The thing is, if I am going to be honest with all of you, I cant even Think about recovery. I am not there at all. I have lost it. I have lost all my motivation. It sucks. And I don't know where to cry or to yell! I don't know where I can vent... Mike was here with a friend. I couldn't cry, and I couldn't tell him why. I just shut up my emotions and was blank. I can say I was only happy maybe for a total of 3 hours the whole weekend and other than that I was blank or on the verge of tears.
I want life, but I don't know how I am supposed to live it. ED was a way of life for so long.
oh allee grace is right--EDs are FATAL. i am crippled now from ED. imagine allee--would you like it if you couldnt have much use of your arms/legs anymore? think about that allee--no more playing sports or doing things you like without pain...could youlive with that allee? is being thin--allee realy worth--being crippled? or dead????
Im beginning to see that ED is a daily struggle with some of us having a really good day then a really bad day the next. Or vice versa. It's hard, but the best thing we can do is understand eachother and know that we are not in this alone, you are not alone in your struggles allee...we are here for you!
One thing I don't like about this site is that it doesnt tell you the date you wrote your journal or discussion. I actually wrote this last week. I am doing okay today. Feeling better than last week.
Thank you for the support though. Its nice to know I am not alone in the daily struggle of ED.