I am not divorced but just looking for someone else who has had the same feelings and can maybe help me understand what I am going through.
Awhile ago I spent a week in Chicago. I was there with friends and then I attended a work conference. I was so happy there, even working 12 hour days.
As I was by myself, exploring Chicago, I just got hit with this sudden onslaught of pure happiness and rightness. It changed everything. I felt like I could recognize myself for the first time in years. Now I am back home with my husband and I just feel so disconnected and confused.
My marriage has been full of disappointments and huge issues that never seem to get completely resolved. But my husband and I were making strides and things were okay before I left for Chicago. He was actually acting better than he ever has before - he has grown up so much and become a better husband. I don't understand that after everything we have been through and how much he has waffled, it is now me screwing it all up.
I talked to my best friend about my experience in Chicago and he said that when I am taking care of other people (like my husband), I never seem to act like myself. For some reason, I can't seem to be me and be married. I do agree with him I feel like marriage has brought out the worst in me and I will take the blame for that. I just closed myself off once I get married b/c I think I was afraid of this happening.
Should I just ignore how I felt in Chicago and settle back into this safe life I have going on? Maybe I just had a grass is greener on the other side moment or maybe I am just having a quarter life crisis. Maybe I just need to ignore how I am feeling and just settle back down into my current life.
The fact is I have a good life. I do want my family and my house. Yet I feel like at every turn my heart and soul fight against it. That no matter how much I want it, it's just not me. What does this all mean?
I would strongly consider that you are having a grass is greener moment. If you are a mom, you probably needed the Chicago escape, and you could probably use more escapes here and there throughout your year. If you are searching for the honeymoon feeling of a new relationship, be aware that it will go away with a new man, just like it did with your husband. That is natural and normal. It takes maturity, self-control and commitment to work through the inevitable boring periods in a marriage. Trust me, divorce is no picnic, and I'd give anything to be in a position like yours where I could turn back to my husband and make it all work out.
i think divorce is a final option only type thing...its something to be considered when you have no love..no hope..and no other options...i think the freedom of having to only look after yourself while you were away gave you a feeling of reconnected with you....i agree with Soft that you might need to take more time for just you there is nothing wrong with that....i see you mentioned problems within your marrige but there are problem in evey marrige and in every relationship...are you still in love with your husband?...is your situation abusive?....do you feel that your relationship is beyond repair?....do you have any other things that might be triggering the reason your feeling the way you feel?
Thanks guys for the comments. I really appreciate your insights.
To answer some questions: I know there are problems in any relationship and we are definitely working on ours and I know progress matters. As for the problems we have had - it's mostly him throwing huge curveballs (e.g., failing school and eventually dropping out without taking to me about, lying/spending money, telling me he doesnt want to be married or isnt sure what love is). I never have any warning when this stuff happens and usually it's right when I am starting to trust him again and think everything is good. He eventually blames his anxiety and we work on it.
This has all happened within the past four years of our marriage. We tackled each issue and he has made so much progress but I guess maybe I reached my limit the last time he had an issue. Not to get into too much details but over the past few years I gained 15 lbs, still stayed a size 6 but nevertheless my body changed. He decided to withhold all sexual stuff b/c he was no longer attracted to me and let me know about it.
I lost the weight recently. Went back down to 128 and now he is all great and lovey again, but I just can't seem to care anymore. I just accepted this all though and had made the decision to see the marriage through and then Chicago happened and I guess I just want more than this.
He has made changes, I do want to emphasize that...but is there ever a time it's too little too late? Am I just beaten down by the ups and downs and that's why I am in this position now?
Well.... the weight issue and how he handled it totally changes my response. My first marriage was to a man who tortured me about my weight. He openly made fun of me, made rude and cruel comments, etc. I was tiny when I married him, but he started in right away. I put on weight with every comment he made. I knew that if I ever lost the weight and he started to be nice because of a superficial thing like weight, I would be so resentful. The thought of having sex with a man who loved to degrade me and my body left me feeling repulsed. I filed for divorce, but had already hung in there for many many years of this emotional abuse. To this day, he is superficial with other women and with our common 16 year old daughter. I have to fight his bashing of her self-esteem by saying things to overcome his critical words. I do believe that if your husband is giving you **** about 15 pounds, then you have every right to be resentful and want your freedom. I think it is fixable, but HE is the one who needs fixing. You have every right to feel beaten down.
Most women have body image problems to begin with. Any man who bashes you about your weight or withholds sex because your physical appearance is the only thing that matters to him is emotionally abusing you and should not be tolerated. I am not saying go out an get divorced ASAP but this is an issue that is entirely his problem and needs to be resolved before you can begin to make your marriage work. it might be a good idea to try to schedule more trips away by yourself so that 1) you can find who you really are and 2) decide if you will indeed be happier by yourself.
It sounds like you were really able to be free and get all the "other" stuff off your mind when you went on a trip. It sounds like you guys probably need to get some counceling, and take a break from each other. Not necessarily divorce, but a break. It sounds like you have lost YOU in your marriage which isn't a good thing. I got married young (18) and never really get to know ME as a person and since leaving my now ex, I have seen who I really am. Being with my ex did the same thing to me that it did to you. I didn't like "Me" when I was with him, just like you.
I live near Chicago and will tell you it really isn't "all that" to everyone. Wherever you are, is it very different from Chi-town? I was a suburbanite, and now live in a rural area. The busy stuff there wasn't for me, but that is where we lived and he got into trouble, so the change was good for me. Maybe you need to get away and re-evaluate the relationship.... Is it still what you want? REALLY? If so, fight for it, if not, let it go and get moving on. I waited and now wish I hadn't...