I’m in love again.
I’m probably a little older than most on here and this is the third time I’ve ever felt this way towards someone. I mean, I’ve been attracted to plenty of other women in my life but only three times have I been head over heels.
I should explain that I feel like it may be love but I’m actually not sure.
Why?
It’s because I’ve never been in love with someone that was in love with me and it’s absolutely soul crushing. It’s difficult to write because I’m feeling extremely anxious and worthless. Three times I’ve felt so deeply for someone and three times I get rejected. I feel like I’m a good person, I try to always do the right thing but I guess I just don’t understand how to win over the ones I love. I just become a total idiot when I’m with her.
I’m 53, never married, no kids and an empty soul. It’s devastating
My heart hurts… again
I know exactly how you feel. It is crushing to fall for someone, and to feel all these nerve-racking, heart fluttering, sometimes just plain biologically weird things for them–only for them to say they just see you as a “friend.”
“Its not you, You are great and I really care for you. I just don’t see you like that. I don’t feel its the right time for me to be in a relationship. I wouldn’t want to ruin the special relationship we already have…ect…” We’ve all heard these things, and when you have heard them your whole life pretty much you can’t not hear the real truth behind them which is… “I’m just not that interested in you.”
As hurtful as it would be, it might just be easier if they said that. At least then you would know that there is no hope there.
My friend is very hot and cold, and mixed signals seem to be his favorite form of torture for me. Just when I think I am moving on and have hit acceptance he does something that brings me right back to him, and I get confused on how he feels about me even when I shouldn’t. Because even though my actions are often quite dumb, and pathetically placating, I am not stupid. Somewhere in my brain I know the truth. I know that he will never really want me. He’s had pretty much every opportunity to like me, and he’s never made a move. He won’t even ask me to hang out outside of work with him. (…and yes I know that I sound pathetic right now)
Which means I just have to let go of whatever I feel for him.
All of it makes me crazy, I sometimes wonder if I imagined the connection completely because I have hit the deepest levels of loneliness and desperation, or if the connection existed but I just misinterpreted it. Either way, its probably my fault for getting close enough to someone to feel something.
Tell me about this person you like?.
Thank you for your reply. Although I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a similar situation it is comforting to know that others can relate.
I really would not like to describe what she’s like. It would be frustrating. But she’s just one of those people that enters your life that has the special aura about them.
You know?
I do know what you mean.
I get frustrated just thinking about my friend. I think its because I know nothing will ever become of it, at least the logical part of me knows that… yet the hope always seems to stay alive no matter how hard I try to reason it out of myself. Logically, I know that if they don’t see you like that from the beginning they probably aren’t going to just wake up one day and realize that you are the person for them. That kind of stuff only happens in books.
Attraction and connection are everything, you either have it with someone or you don’t. I’m not ugly or anything (I live in the realm of average), but I know that I’m not everyone’s type. Lately it feels a lot like I am really no ones type which is my own battle I am fighting.
I could be the kindest, sweetest person on the planet but if he isn’t attracted to me it won’t matter. It kind of just sucks when you know you won’t ever be enough for that person and yet your heart continues to feel things. Its a little like self torture actually. He never means to hurt my feelings, he’s just setting boundaries, but the reality is that sometimes it does hurt me.
I have been trying to keep my distance and just be his friend, but every time he gets sick even if its just a cold I worry and am hopelessly sucked back in. I was with him when he was diagnosed with cancer 5-years ago, and so I am just bonded with him from that. Seeing someone’s whole world change like that changes you.
I liked him long before that though. In fact, I was trying to detach from him when he got sick and then my conscience decided it had other plans. He has lots of friends, but for some reason I was the only one who volunteered to take him to the doctor when he couldn’t do it himself. Which I don’t regret, but my good deed seems to have trapped me in an emotional cycle I can’t seem to break.
I know he loves me as a friend and in this life that may just have to be enough. I will pray your story ends better than mine.
Apologies for the slow response. Support Groups was really great for me some years back when I started getting terrible anxiety and panic attacks. I have since gotten it under control and stopped using this site. I’m still trying to consistently log on.
I appreciate your insight on what looks to be a very relatable experience we are both currently experiencing. I agree with you about just trying to keep it friendly. It’s what I’m trying to do. Keep it simple and avoid expectations. It’s what I need to do because I know it’s not going to happen despite how badly I wish it would. I become my own worst enemy and it’s really just me facing reality and accepting it so I can move on.
I sincerely hope things are good for you and that you’re doing well. 