I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate who I have become. I hate what I do. I hate. How do I have room for any other emotion/action but to hate everything I am.
I am nothing. I cant equal up to them. None of them. I am dirt. I am nothing. I cant get that perfect grade. I cant get the teachers approval. I can't be good at English. I cant be good at taking the blood pressure. I can't be good at everything. I cant be as smart as them. I cant ever be as pretty as them. I can't have the pretty blue eyes. I can't be tall enough. I cant ever be THIN enough.
I can't run fast enough. Run away from my loving family/ my amazing boyfriend/ less than perfect grades/ less than perfect body/ expectations/ failures/ me. I can't run as fast as the girl on the treadmill next to me. I can't burn enough calories. I can't eat enough calories- I cant starve myself enough. I cant be THIN enough.
I hate the way I look. I hate the way I dress. I hate how no matter how many clothes I put on it makes me look fat. I hate how much I weigh. I hate how my pants are too tight. I hate my curves. I hate all the fat I see. I hate me. I am not THIN enough.
I keep telling myself if I could just loose the weight I would be happy. If I could just starve I would be happy. If I could have no fat on my body I would be happy- beautiful. If I could just get sick enough they would notice the pain I feel inside- they never did before.
I just want to disappear. I want to cry until there are no more tears. I want to cry until I look beautiful. I want to sleep so I don't have to feel sad anymore. I want to never have to say goodbye to him. I want to eat everything yet eat nothing at all.
I am sorry for ranting. I just have nowhere to put this. I am sorry for downing anyones mood/day. Just having a really bad day.
Oh, my dear, dear, dear, dear Allee. I'm so sorry you're feeling this low! I love ya, darling, and I hope things get better soon. You're a wonderful, wise, intelligent, beautiful woman--and I'm not just saying that! Every day you inspire me on this site! I hope you can believe in yourself the way that all the rest of us believe in you. You're in my heart and in my prayers, and you're more than welcome to message me any time. I wish you all the best, and I hope that this terrible slump is over soon. You're wonderful just the way you are--no need to lose weight, no need to try to change yourself to conform to those around you. Everyone has a different bundle of gifts and talents in a perfectly unique balance, and you contribute something very special to this world. I have every confidence that you can succeed--in life, in school, in fighting this disorder... That you can achieve all of the wonderful dreams you shared in another post. Remember, your awesome boyfriend sees a lot in you, and such a wonderful guy can't be so terribly wrong, no? Hang in there--you're WORTH it!
wow allee --allee what happened? did soemthing happen to make you feel like this--you were happy before--did something cause this or is ED just really overpowering you???? oh alle im sorry i actually have the exact same feelings. i say refer to the ED lies list you did... and repeat your positives. go ahead. im waiting, ha. you have to come up with a ' battle plan' to conquer these negative thoughts. something like a sword to fight ED.
have you thought of getting an ED therapist--one who specializes in ED? or a support group in your area?
it was hard for me to read this--you know why?
number one--i have the EXACT same feelings.
number two--you are so wonderful and lovely and pretty and you dont deserve this hell, no one does. you have so much going for you. and i guess i need to repeat that to myself when i am down on myself also. you are the opposite of what you wrote.
i know how you feel though---i really do. it is hell. we are tormenting our own minds/ lives. low self esteem is the worst. i would say--please please talk to someone about this! you need to tell some one about this cause it is too powerful to deal on your own.
You poor thing, I am so sorry you are feeling all of that right now. I have felt that way before, it is so hard. If there is any way you can do this, take a deep breath and walk around for a minute or two, preferably someplace peaceful. Try to remember that even though it is really hard to do right now, you can make the choice to not let your ED win. It is winning right now! It is taking over every part of your being. But, you have come farther than that, I have read some of your posts and know you have beaten it at moments. So as you take your deep breaths, choose to recognize that your ED is talking. Now, choose to think something positive about yourself. One thing I can tell about you, just from your posts, is that you are exceptionally driven and ambitious. Instead of hating yourself, think about that quality in you. Appreciate how good it is and just push your ED out of your psyche. It does not have to win, you can beat it.
I guess ED just has a tight grip on me today. And there is just a lot of stress-ors in my life right now and I am having trouble dealing with them. Ultimately allowing ED to overpower me.
I read your post from the other day when you were really down-I hope that soon you can break the cycle of the negative thoughts, with some help, and realize what a lovely and wonderful person you are… Surely you know that being thin does not bring happiness. you are too wise for that! I am thin but have a few crazy addictions of my own that I am just now taking a stab at beating forever!!! PS if you look anything like your picture, you are very very beautiful on the outside as well as on the inside!!!
What I REALLY want to say here I can't so i will say this. My heart feels your pain and my heart understands how you feel. I have been where you are with these feelings.
I love christas idea of battleing those thoughts and writing them out but in a more positive way if you can. All these thoughts at once are overwhelming and as you know can really bring you down.But just so you know sadly we all can relate to most if not all of these thoughts you shared.
this brought tears to my eyes. I know how you feel and i'm sorry. You are worth all good things allee. You are beautiful and you are going to succeed. No matter what the ED tells you. That is not you. You are not those lies. i just want to give you a hug right now. I hope your days get better. I'll be thinking of you.
I can completely relate to your feelings right now. I was doing great yesterday and even earlier today and then as I was getting dressed to go out with some friends I had this complete and utter panic attack/meltdown in my closet because I can't believe I let myself get so big. I am easily the skinniest out of all my friends, but thanks to having to gain weight lately I am just hating the way I look in my skin. I feel like I have gotten huge and I am just so angry with myself right now. Whats even worse is trying to stick to a meal plan when every day I feel as though I am getting bigger and just want to sit in the corner and cry and go back to my skinny weight and ignore meal plans and meetings and life in general.
I like you. I like the person you are. You have become stronger every day and that is nothing to be ashamed about. You love what you do, for I know you dream of becoming a nurse. You are having a bad day and there is PLENTY of room to love everything you are.
You are everything. You are equal to those around you. All of them. You are a beautiful flower. You are growing. You do your best in school. Your teachers are hard to please (like many people in the world, and you don’t have to prove anything to those kind of people). You try your best at English. You are LEARNING how to take blood pressure, and will get better with time. You do your best at everything you do, you can’t ask for more. You are a genius in aspects of life not many are. You are beautiful and shine just as bright as them (if not brighter). You’re eyes are perfect the colour they are. You can’t force your bones to grow (and besides, the taller you are…the more you feel the wind :P ). You are always BEAUTIFUL and SLIM. NEVER EVER EVER FAT!
You run as fast as your body has the energy for. You can’t run away from your loving family/amazing boyfriend/ wonderful grades/ gorgeous body / heartfelt attempts / successes because they are always running just as fast as you so you’re never alone. Everybody’s body is different; you run as fast as you are able to. Your body knows what it needs. You’re struggling with your ED and one day you will find balance – starving yourself means less energy + agitation + lack of concentration + hunger = can’t do your best while exercising because your body is holding in the nutrients it NEEDS, unhappiness, harder school work, harder to study. You are always BEAUTIFUL and SLIM. NEVER EVER EVER FAT!
I love the way you look; especially your beautiful hair and smile. You dress the way you want. Your mind is deceiving your perception of your image. You will NEVER be fat. You weigh a healthy weight. Your pants aren’t too tight, they fit you properly. Curves are beautiful. The “fat” you see is over exaggerated by ED’s deceiving perception. We all love you. You are perfect and beautiful just the way you are; You are always BEAUTIFUL and SLIM. NEVER EVER EVER FAT!
Stay strong hun, we're all here for you
Paige xoxo
Oh my goodness you are the sweetest person in the whole world! You made me cry! I am honestly going to print what you wrote to me out because that is honestly the kindest thing anyone ever has said to me. You are such a wonderful person! I cannot thank you enough for those kind words you just wrote- I know I have trouble seeing the truth in those words but I have never been told all these things.
So many days I come on here and see your posts, your answers, your optimism! It always makes me so happy :) You bring so much happiness to everyone here! Thank you for brightening so many of my days. I hope that I can only do someday what you have done for me so many days.
I’m always glad to help my dear and I’m even more happy that it could make you feel better <3
I absolutely know one day you will be strong and confident, and see the beauty that radiates from your being; and you’ll be able to share even more positivity than you already share
Again, I’m so happy to have helped and I hope tomorrow your day is brighter
this all looks so similar. i have written this all down in journals upon journals. i no exactly how you feel. its all sumthing i dont have the answers to. yet. i know ill find them and be happy, i just need to do what makes me happy. so i suggest you do the same. ill help you! this way we can help each other. and then we can both be happy =)
Ok wow! I found this site a couple of days ago am the selfless and peaceful encouragment we all give each other is just priceless. I agree, if only the world were as positive and encouraging as everyone here, we probably would never have developed ED in the first place. Life is plenty stressful but all of you have given me a peace of mind I have never had. I am not alone in my struggles. There are women out there with the same challenges as me and it feels so good to just talk openly and honestly about my issues and be positively supported. I have never had this before so, it's pretty amazing
It's so true! I am glad you find this site helpful :) and no, you are not alone! Not only has this site allowed me to express feelings I couldn't get out to those people around me, but it has given me the support and allowed me to make friends from all over with similar issues. :) and we end up all helping each other.
I hope this site becomes as beneficial to you as it has for so many people already
allee
I think we all can relate to hating ourselves and wishing to be in another brain but ours. There is not any where to go with all that negativity. Life is hard! I am learning to not take life so seriously and to laugh and joke a lot. I too have a ED and that could have been me writing all the hate stuff. I am learning to push ahead, no matter how scared or terrified I am. To really live for today and let tomorrow be. To live in the moment where ever I am. It is interesting how our addictions have twists and changes as we go through life.
SUCCESS.......negotiating and navigating negative circumstances
If men could only KNOW each other they would neither idolize nor hate
If we knew each other`s secrets what comfort we would find
In order to learn the important lessons of life one must each day surmount their fears
Be kinder then necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle
"If I could just get sick enough they would notice the pain I feel inside- they never did before." after three times in treatment and billions of dollars later.... i understood that this was the root of my ed. It's hard to see how my ed has morphed into crazy aspects over the past 10 years... but I can relate to this so much sweet Allie.
I hope you can find the strength to see the beauty you do hold and who you are outside of your ED.
and I’m even more happy that it could make you feel better <3