greetings, my sisterhood.
many changes. many epiphanies. many goods. many bads.
i'd like to begin, however, by addressing the post that questioned whether or not she belonged on this site due to feeling less-than-moving-toward-recovery. sweetheart, we all belong here. when numbers are not a part of the equation, everything said is appropriate and supported. regardless of anyone's place in *recovery*, we all have felt each other's pains and struggles at one time or another. this is the place to vent, to ask questions, to *dump*, to receive true empathy and support.
i have moved. i'm living in a maze of boxes and odds and ends. i got the kids' room set up. they are excited and feeling at home already. i have an endless list of projects and am please to have *things to do* that have a bit of meaning and purpose. everyone is handling the transition with grace and excitement. i knew everyone would be able to handle it... except for maybe- me... i AM doing quite well under these circumstances. i simply miss seeing my children as often as i used to. joint custody is a relief...AND an adjustment. i trust their daddy now. i KNOW they are being cared for when they are with him. letting go a little in order to find out who i am outside of being their *mom* is a good thing... just a difficult adjustment for me.
on to specifics: the things that probably seem so damned obvious to others continue to sneak up on me in an epiphany. my erratic eating is soooo erratic! i don't know that i would have been able to really seeeeee it if i hadn't committed to trying a mp. i also NEVER imagined the difficulty i am having trying to actually ADHERE to the mp. i have been in such denial.
plus? i'm feeling *strange* [for lack of a better word]... and have felt the need to hold back that truth. it is difficult and humiliating for me to admit that i feel pretty good... and that somehow it just doesn't feel right. it is actually so NOT right that it can sometimes feel pretty BAD. i have read posts that discussed when feeling good felt bad.... and i thought i understood what was being discussed. i had no idea really... until now. very confusing. very dissappointing. such a struggle.
i also am having little *flashbacks*... seeing my life from such a different perspective... seeing my life from some strange outside-myself-view... and seeing how truly text-book my life has been in terms of an eating disorder.... and how it continues to be so damned text-book. the incessence of this eating disorder throughout my life has been masked, lied about, twisted and turned into *being* other things, and has nonetheless been a very large and sad part of my life. it is so interwoven into how i have moved through life that i am ashamed to say that i am struggling so terribly trying to feel *okay* without using food- or lack of food. sigh.
thank you for remaining to be my wailing wall of sisterhood and for reading my updates. i am grateful for this site and for those participating on it.
namaste, my sisters...
xo