I have only been married since this feb. My husband is talking about leaving me because he can not deal with my hoarding. He had been understanding in the past but is no longer willing to accept that I need help. My children are turning into me and I blame myself. For the longest time he argued with me that it was not my fault. Now he says that its ALL my fault and he cannot tolerate it any longer.. He is going to leave if I cannot make changes.. I know I need to but i have horrible anxiety attacks and completely panic at the thought of throwing things away! HELP me please I love my husband dearly and I do not want to lose him over this.. I just dont know how to overcome the distress it causes me to even attempt to discard the things I cannot let go of. He has lots all patience with me and now is also refusing to lift a finger to help me clean our house and expects me to deal with it alone.. i dont know where to start!
Please find a way to get help, hoarding is very maddening for the person who has to live with it. I understand that it is a problem and you are unlikely to conquer it on your own, some professional help will be needed more than likely.
I live with a hoarder and it has driven me to the brink of insanity already. I have already broken a toe due to having so much junk on the floor and it causes me such shame that I do not allow anyone to come here, I do not want to bear the blame for a mess I have no part in making.
I do not wish to appear unsympathetic to your plight, but having both parents with it, and never having lived in a decent, clean and tidy home ( and I am now 50 ), I can relate to the other side of the coin.
Please seek help, do not chose your stuff over your husband ( unless of course the marriage is failing for other reasons, but based on what I read, it sounds like you want to save your marriage ).
best wishes to you.
Thank you for your helpful words. I know I need help on a professional level. I'm trying to find a Dr that is willing to treat me for the OCD. I've been to 2 and they say that I have Bipolar disorder and that it needs treated as the priority. But I have read a medical study that states that the OCD should come first.
I am desperate to save my marriage but its not looking like I can. The hoarding issue is not so horrible that you cannot walk through the house but is bad none the less. I am humiliated by it. Its just so hard for me to do alone that when I try to take care of the problem I get easily overwhelmed. I have begged and pleaded for help from my family and no one will help.
I feel for you as I know what it is like to want to change something so badly but can not do it, as I suffer from an ED and wrestle daily.
I was worried that I might have offended or hurt you as I do not share your problem, but rather am on the receiving end of it like your husband and it makes me incredibly angry and upset. 50 is a long time to wait to live in a clean, tidy and organized home, and I never had the means to move out and live on my own, and both my parents despite never living together share the same problem. I was a child who grew up with very little furniture and boxes all over the house filled with her junk ( rubber bands, empty coffee cans...).
My father is not much better and as a result I do not let people come here, as I love a clean and organized home with everything color coordinated, lovely curtains and bedding, paintings, figurines....and to many hoarders at least my parents, those things do not matter.
The only break I get is when I go to England, as I set up my boyfriend's new home there and it is my respite away from the chaos here.
I know this is about you and not me, but thought if you could hear the words of a person not involved who has to live like this by force, it might give you some pause for thought.
I am surprized however that nobody wants to help you clear out and clean up, it is normally the dream of the person who is forced to live that way to get in there and start thowing out like mad. I fantasize it daily myself.
If I can help you in anyway, please stay in touch.
I am sorry for your situation, I wish your husband would stick around and help get things right rather than bailing so soon.
Thank you..Its nice to feel that I have someone to talk to about this that understands. I'm quite proud of myself today because I cleaned all day and actually managed to do it alone and even threw out several bags of stuff. It was hard but I am determined to make things better.
I feel for you as well I know that lining with a hoarder is a nightmare.. I feel guilt and shame for forcing my family to live this way. Its just so difficult to make the transition alone.. After all I did today it went un notice and seems that it didn't make a difference to any of them. It does to me though and I guess that is what matters the most.
I will stay intouch.. Your words have been of a great help to me!
Thank you again =)
Hi I have read the latest comments and I feel your pain.I myself am a hoarder. My house is very nice and clean but very FULL. There is ample moving room. But all my furniture such as an end table are very full of knick knacks and other valued items such as new nail polish,craft items,and the list goes on. My hoarding webs entangled with a shopping addiction and some cleanliness obsessions which is motivated by the fear of losing control.this part of it is a life saver because it has taught me that everything has a place and every place has it's thing. I am good NOW about throwing or giving things away but I seem not to be able to stop the collecting as I shop. At one time I was not good at this and had over 300 pairs of sleep ware .now I have minimized it to about 40 pairs.however my new obsession now
however is giant coloring books stickers and nail polish. As I said I get rid of one and another one pops up. I also have severe anxiety which makes it worse. I have learned that I gain a sense of security in my belongings. However I am now foccussing on building comfort in my relationship with my higher power. This has REALLY helped.I highly suggest becoming spiritually fit.this lessens my anxiety when I work on giving away. I understand how it interferes with relationships. I lost a very dear friend because my problem hit to close to her home and I was not as healthy as her.
Anyways I hope my story has been of some help to you. Feel free to write and or ask questions. I do believe that we must hold fast .HELP! HOPE! AND HEALING IS ON THE WAY! I AM SURE OF IT!!!
Thank you so much for posting Princessjazzy. Its good to hear that someone else understands how I feel. I have been working slowly on disposing of the items I feel I can let go of and I have made great strides in doing so. My husband sees that I am trying and things are slowly getting better but Im not sure how long that will last.. probably as long as I continue to make progress.
I want so badly to not have an excessive amount of things that I dont need or use but at the same time I feel the more I have the better. I feel a sense of security knowing that I have certain things because I always know that if I need it it will be there.
One of my major problems is that there are not enough places to store what I have and things are horribly cluttered. But, and this will sound silly, even though there is so much clutter that can be seen I obessively organize the things that cannot be seen, such as grocery items and things kept in cabinets. Even in all the mess I know where everything is and if anything has been moved.. I do obsess over keeping my living room clean so that if anyone comes to the door it looks as though everything is neat and tidy when in all reality I would just die if they could see the rest of my cluttered house. Its maddening and I dont want to live like this anymore.. I want a home that I can be proud of from front to back and I want my family to feel comfortable in their own home.
But when it comes down to it making the decision to throw it away it more often than not it goes into a "give it away" pile and nothing is accomplished. I have major anxiety attacks trying to deal with cleaning things up and I shut down and then feel miserable about it. We live week by week barely scraping by financialy so I cannot afford to spend money like I once was able to. But that does not stop me from aquiring more and more things I dont need. I will admit that tons of the stuff I have is stuff someone else didnt want and gave to me because they know I will take it. Its sad because they all know I have a problem and tell me that I need to fix it yet they enable me.
I agree I need to work on my spirituality. I didnt realize it until I read your post but I have let my disorder affect my life in so many more ways than I was aware of.. I was a spiritual person but I have allowed this problem to consume me. Me, my beliefs and my personal relationships..
*SIGH* You have opened my eyes and helped GREATLY!!! I have a lot of thinking to do now.. Thank you again for your help!
You are very welcome.please keep in touch and let me know how things are going.I feel a certain bond with you . It is silly because I have never met you,but we have a common problem so keep in touch....
Well thank you very much! I know the feeling… It does seem kind of silly but hey, friends are made from strangers everyday on other sites so why not here… =-)
i know what you mean . i have been married a year now and my place is full of stuff things that are not being used that could be given away but everything on mine has a meaning to it . I do get panic and anxiety attacks i do really need to get a grip and get help with letting go of stuff that can get use by others .
Angelbaby, I thought I would offer you some advice on how I have managed to start getting stuff cleared out. I have had to do it on my “good” days… days when I wake up feeling well rested and ready to take on the world. I start small so I do not get overwhelmed…
Somtimes I work in two seperate areas at once. That way if one spot gets frustrating I can move to the other until I am ready to go back to the first. It sounds silly but it keeps me going so I dont give up and it seems that I have accomplished more at the end of the day and that is a great feeling!
Having someone there for me helps too (but doesnt happen enough) for encouragement or for a second opinion as what to do with something… It is also helpful to have them there to talk you through the rough times when you just cant let go and you know you should.
I also find that if I take a stack of boxes or storage totes or whatever the stuff is in and go through them setting aside the items that I “must” keep then I can work through it a little at a time without the panic attacks or anxiety. I then take the keep pile and put it into an empty container and dispose of the rest. The next time I work on it that container is added to the stack and is gone through again… It takes time but is fairly easy to cope with it.
I’ve tried to let others do it for me but the anxiety/panic attacks were too much for me and my help… The attack was so bad that I had to go outside for air because I felt that I could not breathe, I cried uncontrollably and was shaking horribly. It upset them to see me that way so they quit and now refuse to help me again. So if you are going to have anyone help you they have to be willing to “push” to keep the process going.
Hope you can find something useful in what I’ve said. Good luck
New person here! Various hoarding issues in my life. Married to a serious hoarder which has all but destroyed the marriage. He's almost sixty and won't throw away socks he wore in high school. -- Dealing with my own tendency to have more than I need, even if it's clean and organized. I'm not emotionally attached to my "stuff". I give most of it away to anyone who expresses an interest in it. However, watching Hoarders on TV scares and motivates me to downsize while I'm still healthy enough to do so. -- I also have a friend who is a possession and animal hoarder. Her home and lifestyle is very unhealthy and unsafe.--- I can have plenty of sympathy and understanding for the hoaders who touch my life, but it boils down to self preservation. I simply can't LIVE with them or allow myself a close attachment. Still married to my husband, still care about him. Don't live with him. CAN'T live with him. --- Want help cleaning? Forget about going slowly. Quick is more painless. Start moving junk out to the front porch then list it in the free area of Craigslist. It will quickly be GONE. -- Stressful, of course. Just like we all feel speaking in front of an audience, driving on a busy freeway the first time, jumping off that high diving board. Just DO it and feel the stress, cry about it awhile, then get back to it. Again and again. Take anti-anxiety meds if you must. Have a mean relative standing nearby with an unflattering photo of you in a bathing suit she will post on Facebook if you try to whimp out. After the hoard is gone, THEN go to psychiatrists/organizers/ self help groups to keep from doing the same thing again. Don't let your family suffer through a lengthy recovery process BEFORE the hoard is cleaned up. --- My stuff/animal hoarding friend tells me every time I see her, "I'm so PROUD of myself today. I took five bags to Goodwill." She doesn't mention that she BOUGHT more at Goodwill than she left there. Set higher standards! Permanently relocate to someone else's house, without soon replacing with an equivalent amount of new items, an entire ROOM of stuff. If a housemate doesn't say, "WOW! I'm so proud of you!," then you can't be proud either. You can be more determined to do the right thing versus allowing feelings to control you. --- If a "thing" has meaning to you, take a picture of it and post it on a site like Photobucket with a narrative of why it's meaningful. It's the MEMORY the item generates, not the THING that's important, right? Then, honor the person who you associate with the item by giving it to a needy person who has a use for it (via a "free" posting on Craigslist). -- Okay, I'll shut up about now. I'm thinking it might help me to monitor my "accumulating" propensity if I could be held accountable by others striving to simplify and downsize, sorta like recording/reporting your daily food intake. Only we'll report each day: what I brought in and what I sent out.
lylal, Thanks for the input and great advice. Watching Hoarders is a real eye opener! I’ve watched it crying many times because I can relate to the people on the show. It also gives me courage to tackle my mess because mine is not as huge as most of theirs… Its the whole “if they can do it I can do it” theory
Its a great help to have a family member that is “mean” helping you. But often hard to find one willing.
I really like the idea of taking a photo of the meaningful items… Its a great way to preserve a memory and reduce clutter.
I've been wondering how Hoarders feel about the tv show. My friend the stuff/animal hoader refuses to watch it. I think she's avoiding the pain she knows it would cause her, seeing herself in that light. She has been meeting with a therapist for years but he has no idea of the extent of her hoarding problem -- she won't tell him. Her goal with the therapist is not to be cured, but to be soothed. He tells her to take baby steps and "feel the pride". So, she ditches a few bags of clothes that don't fit, tells him about it to get an enthusiastic "Atta girl!" so she can feel a little better about the situation for a short time. --- Now my husband, the junk hoarder, LIKES to watch the show. He points out how much worse those people are than he is (only because I'm always exhauting myself trying to get rid of stuff that he drags in). He says when he watches the trucks load up the person's hoard he wants to be there to stop the truck and take all that stuff for himself. He relates positively to the hoarders on the program, most of them who don't have to put up with annoying nags like me who try to thwart his pursuit of happiness because I'm selfish and want a "fancy" house so I can show off. Yes, he says that. Basically, the show validates his opinion that his is just one of many accetpable alternative lifestyle choices.
I have watched the show and its very difficult for me to do so. I cry watching it because I can relate to them and their reasoning as well as their fears and pain… It’s a wake up call and I realize that though my problem is severe it is not as horrible as those on the show. It also scares me because I know that if I do not get control of it my home will eventually look the same… I feel for your friend, she really needs to let her therapist know how bad it is… It took me years to finally admit I had a problem… I’m getting better slowly, without therapy tho
Yes, it takes guts to be "mean" and stand up to an addict. And it can be dangerous! One woman on the tv show had her own mother arrested for cleaning her house. Once my hoarding friend thought I might have been the one who turned her backyard into the city housing inspector and she ready to do battle. My own husband thought I'd turned him in once. He frequently gets cited by the housing inspectors for piles of junk in the yard (too heavy for me to get rid of). When he gets a cleanup notice his tactic is to move the pile elsewhere in the yard, compress it as tight as possible, then tie an ugly blue tarp around it. For some reason that satisfies the inspector for awhile. Eventually that pile will also get cited and he'll get a few months to clean it up and the process is repeated.
Try cleaning one room at a time. What would happen if you just did it? How long would it take before you got over being upset about it?
It must be very difficult for you, but you have to make this sacrifice for your family.
The most difficult part is that I am expected to do ALL of the housework on top of trying to clean up my hoarding issues… Its impossible for one “normal” person to function properly under that amount of strain let alone a hoarder… Its overwhelming knowing that I am working so hard to clean one area while the husband and children are not caring for the area they are occupying at the time. Then while cleaning I have to stop and change a diaper or stop to make a meal or stop to break up the 8 & 9 year old from fighting… I never get help and when I do I appreciate it so much but it doesn’t last
I am brand new on this site, and I was so touched to read your post. I, too have only been married since February, but I have been cleaning for months more than that. I moved to be with my husband who lived for a long time with a hoarder. When I came into his life, he was overwhelmed with what was here.
I'm sure you know what is coming next...
It was ok for me to clean her things...but not his.
It was a home with two hoarders.
No one understands better than me how you want a good marriage and how negatively hoarding can impact your relationship.
As for cleaning, I am not a hoarder in any sense, but I have a great deal of understanding for people who are. My advice is to keep taking it one little chunk at a time. Every big problem is usually too big to try to fix in whole all at once. Step by step, you will get it done.
As for the marriage, from the perspective of a person on the other side, please make him understand how important he is. I cry just about every day that there are mementos from past relationships, notes and cards, etc., that can hurt a new love. It's hard to understand why, if I am more important than those things, he can't throw them away.
And if this is my home, why can't it be the way I need it to be to live in it without being afraid and uncomfortable? The panic you feel at the thought of throwing things away is like the panic I am developing at the thought that this is the rest of my life. I feel like I don't belong here.
When I first met him, and shortly afterward came into the house, I told him I loved him and it was just stuff. I was so wrong.
If he can't throw things away, why is it so easy to be losing me, piece by piece?
God bless you as you move forward. It sounds like you are on a good path.
Thank you for posting… I hope that somehow you are able to find a way to get your husband to let go of the things that cause you pain. I know how difficult it is to let go but with the right motivation it is possible… I’ve tried so very hard to hold my marriage together over this. I continue to make progress slowly but it seems that my efforts were not enough. My husband left me today. I’m sorry if my reply is not of any help I’m not in the best frame of mind to give advice.
I bent over backwards to make him happy… I struggled and fought with my problem all alone because he refused to help me or show me any support. I was blindsided by his leaving today because yesterday life was “perfect”. I was not able to see that there was more to it than just the hoarding. So now I am sitting here all alone feeling lost and like a failure because I could not do enough to save my marriage.