Marriage Sexual problems

My marriage is in serious trouble because my husband does not want to have sex anymore. We had been married about two years when I noticed that we had not made love in a few weeks. As the months stretched by, I tried talking about it, wearing sexy lingere, morning sex, initiating sex, reading him Bible verses about sex being a good thing between husband and wife, and asking him to seek medical help.

The doctor(s) told him he has ED from the high blood pressure pills he was taking. My husband refused all of the standard ED meds, citing the possible side effects. His answer was to lose weight and get off the high blood pressure meds. He and I have only had sex six or so times in the past three years. I admit, I have nagged him and gotten angry at him about his weight, the sex issue, and his refusal to take any ED medications.

I try not to be angry with him a lot, because I know it must be embarassing to have ED. I do sympathize with him, because this is his third marriage. His first wife cheated on him, and a teenager tried to force him to perform oral sex on him when he was young. I have suggested therapy to deal with his issues in the past, but he refuses.

If I get angry at him for a couple of days, he will grudgingly do a few sexual things I ask him. But it is so humiliating to have to practically force him to touch me. I nearly always feel worse afterwards.

The horrible thing is that when I let it go and start being kind and generally loving to him again, he responds in kind. I start feeling emotionally close to him, then sexually attracted to him, then the merry-go-round starts all over again.

I think about divorce or an affair almost every week. I don't want to do either. I still love him, but this is making us miserable.

Welcome to SupportGroups & thank you for sharing with us. I have to say it IS wonderful when a couple still love eachother & are willing to guide/support/lead or NAG their way to get to a better resolution for the situation, I admire you for that & I truly understand the temptation portion & had to realize too that it would only make things more complicated for all & wouldnt be fair to someone else if they wanted more from us, AND they usually DO. The frustration though makes one start to CRAVE. We're all in this together so keep talking/venting with us.

Take care of you.

April

Thank you so much for your support, I feel better jest talking about the problem with someone who understands. You are right. I do feel cravings, and it’s puting me in a bad mood. I am doing well so far at avoiding temptation, my church members are very friendly and supportive.

The bad thing about it is that he does not seem to be bothered. I’m so mad at him for his blissful oblivion. He actually just asked me what is wrong. I’m so tired of explaining that although he does not apparently feel sexual desire or a need for physical intimacy, I do.

I try to stave it off for as long as I can, but it flares up again when I attempt to talk to him or get physical.
Maybe it would be for the best if I did have an affair and just leave him alone.

I think that men feel an awful lot of pressure to perform. It is tied to their ego and masculinity. It must be very difficult for him.
You seem to be so caring, that I know you will try to do everything you can to help him. However, sometimes being direct is not always helpful. When you lay things out on the table, I believe that people generally tend to feel confronted.
Perhaps using an indirect approach by not asking for what you want and continuing to love and support him will go a long way. After all, women are the same, in that regard. They open up sexually when men do things for them that are not sexual: For instance, by buying them flowers, planning a romantic evening, showing them how much they love them with an act of loyalty or consideration...
And it's great that you are aligned with God on the importance of a well-rounded relationship.
I pray that your temptation will pass and that you will forgo medicating your need for physical contact by fleeing into the arms of a stranger.

Thank you for the wise advice. I have great respect for your comments. You are right that God has helped me thus far. I want things to work out between me and my husband, I just don’t know how.

What should I do when I feel that need for physical contact? Reaching out to my husband doesn’t work.

Mdsingleton, I am really very sorry for what you are going through. I think that you are an amazing woman for standing by your husband through thick and thin and haven't succumb to any temptations.

This may be very simple advice, but have you thought of maybe starting an exercise program together. You can even use yourself as an excuse and let him know that you'd like to get in better shape, and ask him to help motivate you by working out together. It can be as simple as talking walks together. Also, maybe working to change your diet together so that he doesn't feel like it's all about the ED. If you put the focus on both of your health, that can help get him through the weight loss.

Thank you very much for your suggestions, and for your caring. I really appreciate your thinking about me.

Asking him to exercise with me is a good idea. I’ve asked before, but never made it about me before. That might work if it’s very light and easy exercise, like a short walk. Now that you mention it, I could use some exercise. Maybe it would burn the stress of this situation off.

He has started to read a Bible devotional to me in the mornings. The first couple of times he did it, I just stared at him like I couldn’t stand him. But now I listen to what he is reading. He is devoted to making this work. Although he only wants to do it his way, I think he is trying a little.

I can’t do this alone. Thanks to friends like you online, I don’t have to.

Instead of trying to use affection or other means of physical contact to get to your husband, it would be best to try and find what it is that he desires most from you. Is it your admiration and esteem? Listening to him in earnest when he is talking about something that he finds interesting? Doing something that he enjoys that you normally would not pursue…?
I believe that Puppydoglvr had it right when she said that you should try to find common ground in shared activities. This is something that most people do in the courtship stage: Gather information about the other person and engage them as a friend, with genuine interest.
Basically, you guys must reignite your relationship by going back to square one and getting reacquainted again. This is not a bad idea for people who have been together for a long time. No one should ever be taken for granted.
I hope this helps you…and please have patience because that is what love is and does.
Otherwise, if it is too much for you, you have other options. People do leave, but I get the impression that this is not what you want to do.

Hi MDSingleton
I have similar issues in that I have been married 7 years and been together with my husband for 10 years. My husband initally suffered from ED, general anxiety and sexual performance anxiety. During our 10 years together, we have had sex once a month or less. And when we have it has generally been riddled with anxiety which creates and enormous amount of distance and hard feelings on both sides.

I have never cheated bc of my value system. I am not religious and dont have a religious community or God to fall back on. I dont know what to do anymore but my resolve to not cheat is withering away.

Whats ironic is that we are we are making progress on communicating better through the work of a marriage counselor.

When we married my husband told me that this issue was temporary and due to job anxiety that he was suffering. It took several years for him to concede that this issue has been with him all his life (he is 45). For the 10 years we have been together, he has made little to no effort. I once forced him to see a specialist but he stopped going after a few times. I am full of rage (which i feel bad about putting in writing) and like I am dying and that my life has been stolen.

We have talked about divorce a lot over the years. I just dont know what to do and feel trapped and isolated. I did not know that others suffer in similar ways and that makes me feel less isolated but I really dont know what to do.
Help.

Nina, Welcome to SupportGroups.com Your feelings are very justified especially when someone puts little to NO effort into whats really at the bottom of the issues that creates a whole other problem of resentment. This IS about him & not any other outside problem/factor & is something he will have to be willing to want to learn about & try different alternatives for a better relationship together regardless of sex or the lack there of. Does he treat you special sometimes & uplift your spirits w/kind, compassionate words of encouragement? Would be wise to keep speaking w/him unless he is totally shut down now then keep talking w/us here, we're listening.

Take care of you.

April

Thank you for your thoughtful words. it really helps.

hi April,
I can so relate. My husband hasn’t even touched me at…not a hug or anything, for the past four years (well, maybe once, early on in that time frame…but not at all for the past several years.) this is so hard to endure…as you know. I am lonely, physically starved for touch…and sexually frustrated. We’ve been married for 21 years and sex has ALWAYS been sporadic.

He has many sexual hangups, and insecurities…(He has severe OCD and this is a large part of the problem.) Also his medications for various problems have rendered him unable to achieve or maintain an erection…
Not to mention the fact that, although we are friends, I feel that he no longer loves me - and I don’t think this is only a sexual thing - I struggled with serious illness over the past few years and once he told me that he had to "divorce " himself from me emotionally because he knows he will lose me and therefore he can’t allow himself to care.

I finally realized that if I didn’t find some sort of release, I would be tempted to cheat on him…and I don’t want to do that. So I purchased a means of pleasuring myself. I’m not sure how I feel about this…I don’t know if it’s right to do this…but I felt I had no other choice. what are your thoughts on this?

I’d approached my husband a few times and tried to initiate a sexual encounter…and was rebuffed. This was completely humiliating and I will not put myself into that position again.

What do you do about the loneliness? Is your husband intimate with you emotionally?

thanks for your time.

Canada Guy - I just lost my husband due to his emotional unavailability which lead to an affair with another woman. His past issues with sexual abuse that were never addressed (he never told anyone) impacted the relationship we have had for over 30 years and now after the affair he found he loves another woman. It also impacted every other relationship he has had in the past, including those with family and friends.

If you love your wife you must address the past and take her on a new journey with you before someone else does. Sometimes it's the small things that a woman needs most. I found myself desperately needing some level of intimacy whenever I could get it and I wasn't always looking for sex. She needs to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. Once you can open yourself up for things like this the sex will follow. Thank her for the things she does often or do something for her that you know she needs without her having to ask for it. That alone is HOT!