Marriage vs relationship

i am in a relationship with my ex husband while we were married i was hurt and he left me 3 times so i and many other family members decided it was time for me to get a divorce. i went thru with it and the day before the actual divorce was final i realized that i had made a huge mistake so we didnt talk to each other for months to come to my surprise he was in a relationship with an older woman we both just turned 23 and we were together 3 years engaged for 6 months and married for 1 year and 9 months. i was really hurt when i found out that he was with another woman and she was 31. my family doesnt really care for our relationship so i had to choose between them and him and it was the same with our marriage and we would argue about that. yesterday i found myself talking to an old flame about how i feel and how i have just been sooo down in the dumps, i just wanted someone to tell me that they loved me and to hear how they felt about me. when we got back together he would always say how much he missed me and loved me and how he cant be without me but now its like yea ok whatever and it hurts becuz i finally confirmed that he doesnt love me the way that i love him and he feels as if i am going to hurt him in which indeed he cheated on me while we were married and left me by myself 3 times in another state and all i did was divorced him and it crushed his world. i dont understand how it is ok for me to take a chance at love with the only person i want to be with and he doesnt feel the same about me. i asked him yesterday in his heart what is it that i do for him or how do i make him feel and he replied he doesnt know, then i asked does he see himself being with me for the rest of his life and he replied he doesnt know then i asked does he ever see us having a child together and he replied he doesnt want any more kids right now, i dont have any but he has one and i love her to death but she is not mine and i want to feel what is like to have a lil person of my own, i am very hurt and heart broken right now and in my mind im realizing what is going on and i kept telling myself that u cant be with someone who doesnt love u the same way that u love them but i cant just leave becuz i love him sooooo much and i just feel so stupid right now, am i wrong for trying to work on this for the second go round or should i just left it alone and never talked to him again. in the back of my mind i knew that i could never be happy with someone else becuz my love for him was too strong and i dont want to be with anyone else but him and i tell him that each and every day.......

msjodie:
welcome to supportgroups.com. First off, what's this 'second go round' business? this sounds more like 20th go round.

let's look at some things you wrote:

"i finally confirmed that he doesnt love me the way that i love him"

"he cheated on me while we were married"

"[he] left me by myself 3 times in another state"

"[you asked] how do i make him feel and he replied he doesnt know"

"[you asked] does he see himself being with me for the rest of his life and he replied he doesnt know"

How much more evidence do you need that another go-round is just going to end in heartache for you again?

I know you "dont want to be with anyone else but him" and that you "tell him that each and every day" but you're in love with something that's not there anymore. You're both very young; at that age, at many ages, guys are very reluctant to commit to the idea of seeing themselves with one woman for the rest of their lives. That's the kind of comment or question that scares men silly. so the fact that he couldn't answer that one, I understand.

But when he can't tell you how you make him feel because he doesn't know, it really means that he isn't all that interested to know. You sound like a warm, passionate and wonderful young woman with so much love and fun and goodness to offer on top of that killer smile in your pic. Don't blow it all-- along with the brilliance of your youth-- on this guy.

Ross

Wow Ross I wish I had a friend like you around when I was married wasting my time. LOL.. Well Msjodie ROSS is right. Your treating this man as if he is GOD..You should not give him that much power over you. You gotta remember who you are. Your losing you. the things he's doing to you is just going to keep eating at your self esteem, self confidence and making you feel eventually worthless which is going to affect every area in your life You should never love a man more than you love yourself or GOD for that matter. The worst emotional pain you could ever subject yourself to when it comes to relationships is loving somebody who doesn't love you. If you continue this you will wake up one day and be 35 and realize you've wasted your youth on this man that doesn't even appreciate you. Don't let life pass you by crying over him and i know what you thinking don't purposely try to get pregnant in hopes that it will being him closer to you. You'll never be able to get him to change (thats between him and GOD) and as far as he can probably see it why should he he knows that he can just walk all over you and came and go as he pleases. I'm not trying to be mean. I just don't want you waste your time like i did when I was going through a very similar situation but I also know that its your life your decision, your the one that has to get up every morning and look in the mirror and you will break free and take control in your own time..

I'm going to be honest with you. You keep going back because you don't want be alone. I know how it feels to be lonely. I'm divorced and going to bed night after night by myself is the most hurtful thing. There are times I just cry myself to sleep asking how did I get here. I was married to the same man for 20 years. I went from my parents' house to a marriage, to being ALONE; and I'm still adjusting. BUT I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO MY EX. He was a substance abuser and he abused me and no amount of loneliness is worth revisiting what I went through and stayed in so long. My ex wants me back, he wants to contol me, but that's not happening. I am still dealing with the aftershocks of the abuse, that's why I chose to join this support group. Because on some deep emotional level the scars are still there. I am always afraid, I cry at the drop of hat, my feelings are easily hurt, and I am afraid of confrontation. Don't do what I did, I stayed in it too long and now I'm paying the price. If you have the strength to break away do it. Believe me, you don't want to be like me, always fearful, always untrusting,

You definitely need to move on. You need to figure out why you think you need him when he obviously does not love you. I know you are afraid of being alone, but being alone isn't that bad. You definitely do not want to have a child with someone who doesn't love you. Please don't bring a child into a situation that would only be unhealthy for them. You need to put you first and forget about him. You will find love again... there are plenty of fish in the sea. Don't let your life revolve around someone else.
Be strong,
Rachel

I am going through my share of pain as well, but I have learned one thing: Alone time is an opportunity to grow stronger and better. We usually do not like it during the process but it makes things better in the long run.

I am so, so sorry that you have had to go through this yet again. It is a shame because people will use us for what we give and not make any steps for giving us what we want, need and deserve. Be not deceived, you deserve the very best.

Instead of "seeking" him, maybe you should just back off and allow him to pursue you. That way it will be clear what he wants and the direction of the relationship/marriage.

Deep down we often know that some marriages and or relationships are not healthy but we stay. I believe we stay or at least in my case with my wife, and soon to be Ex is because we are creatures of habit. We often do not like change when we know the present is not good.

We go to sleep with the person wake up to the person, spend time, talk to and suddenly you now have to change routine which is not easy.

Its like high school graduation where many of the people you went to school with since elementary school in some cases and then when graduation comes you often do not see many of those people ever again. You have to now change your routine.

Find hobbies, keep yourself busy and be strong because it seems as if you have a good heart.

youknow11, I agree with you, we want so bad for them to work out we accept whatever happens. for me I stayed because he was all I knew. I wanted to be loved so bad I was willing to take whatever he did to me. My family has been tell me for a very long time my husbans has been cheating but I didnt want that to be. He promised after all I have been throught he would hurt me, but he did.

Monica